This week's Question of the Week give us an opportunity to look at something that some may call a weakness, and to identify its positive aspect. Us humans tend to give ourselves a pretty hard time, and I think we often miss the positives that may come from our characteristic traits and flaws. We are perfectly imperfect, as Louise Hay used to say! Personally speaking I also seem to enjoy giving myself a hard time about a whole host of things, and welcome this opportunity to choose one and try to re-frame it in a more positive light.
The Need For Approval, The Need To Please
I had a challenging childhood in many ways. I was born in London, UK and moved countries three times before i was 9 years old. I went to 7 different schools in total, and became quite used to huge changes in just about everything. My father passed away when i was very young, at just 5 months old. My mother remarried very quickly, to a very strict man who became my Step father for 8 painful years. We did not get on, and its fair to say that my hole in the bucket stems to a large extent to this man. He required exacting behaviour in order for me to feel safe and not be shouted at or spanked. As an empath and highly sensitive child I learned to adapt and learned how to keep everyone happy, all of the time.
There are many negative aspects of wanting to please people all of the time, not least forgetting our own needs and as a result holding a feeling of unfulfillment and resentment. MANY people took advantage of me in my life, friends and family alike. Many people think I am crazy or mad because of some of the things I have done to make others happy or pleased. I have given SO many things away in my life,and often things that I still need for myself. I do it all the time, and it has meant that there have been days when I have gone without food even as I happily give a neighbour who has just come all my provisions! Sometimes I also think i am crazy, because it seems like I do what very few other people do.. i have an almost unhealthy disregard for my own needs, safety and welfare, and will make huge sacrifices to help total strangers... and then when im done ill have this negative feeling like maybe i overdid it.. and im stupid.
SO! I would like to take this opportunity to remind myself... it's such a beautiful thing to want to make others happy.. and maybe i don’t even know or realise how many peoples lives i have touched and made that much better with my words and actions. In this world of inequality and fear it is fair to say that even if i am not perfect and don't always look after myself properly, the way i live my life and the choices I make come from my heart and ultimately help make this world a better place.
I would also like to remind myself that despite my impulsive and often crazy ways, i AM still here and have been supported and looked after whenever I have fallen into difficult times. Id like to remind myself that even if I am not perfect, even if i am crazy ... I am appreciated, even if they don’t say it, and its fair to say that being nice and helping others is really not a bad thing.
I’m lucky to have been married twice, and both times i was with a woman who was able to help me learn about things like boundaries, feelings, clean communication, and honouring our own needs. I am better at not giving things i really need away, and nowadays i am careful to set boundaries and limit myself. I think I will always carry the wounding of needing to please others to be accepted, and i want remind myself that this also comes from having a beautiful heart and not just from being damaged. It truly gives me more pleasure to feed someone who is hungry than to feed myself.. That is just my nature.
SO, i honour and welcome my hold in the bucket. Let its holes leak its beautiful abundance to those around, BUT also, let the hole Not Get Too big so that it can still always be called, a bucket!
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