When Your Mind Says You're the Problem: Understanding Maladaptive Self-Schemas
You may be charming, competent, and loved, but still feel unworthy, unintelligent, or doomed to be abandoned.
Why?
Because sometimes, we don’t see ourselves clearly. We see ourselves through the lens of maladaptive schemas—deep-rooted mental frameworks we built long ago, often to survive childhood, but that now quietly sabotage our adult lives.
What Are Maladaptive Schemas?
In psychology, these are known as Early Maladaptive Schemas (EMS). They're broad, pervasive themes about the self and the world, formed in early life, and repeated throughout adulthood.
They’re not passing thoughts. They’re deep beliefs like:
“No one truly likes me.”
“I'm not capable, no matter how hard I try.”
“People I love will always leave me.”
Here are some examples:
Emotional Deprivation Schema: “My needs won’t be met. I’ll always be emotionally alone.”
Abandonment Schema: “People I depend on will eventually leave.”
Failure Schema: “I'm inherently inadequate. I’ll never succeed.”
Vulnerability to Illness Schema: “My body is fragile. I’m always on the edge of sickness.”
These schemas color how we interpret the world and ourselves.
The Self-Fulfilling Spiral
The danger lies in how these schemas sustain themselves. They become mental blueprints that shape our perception, reactions, and decisions.
Let’s take the vulnerability-to-illness schema. A person may experience a minor headache and instantly spiral: “This must be something serious.” They visit multiple doctors, refuse reassurance, avoid activity, obsess over their diet and routine.
Ironically, the effort to "protect" their health reinforces the idea that they're unwell. Every normal sensation becomes suspicious. Even if there's no illness, they live under a constant shadow of sickness.
This logic applies to any maladaptive schema:
“I believe I’m broken → I act accordingly → My life reflects that belief → See? I am broken.”
That’s not truth. That’s a loop.
Breaking the Identification
So what can we do?
The first step is disidentification—the recognition that:
“I have this schema. That doesn’t mean it is me.”
Many people confuse their schema with their identity:
“I’m just weak.”
“I attract toxic people.”
“I’ve always been a failure.”
These aren’t facts. They’re stories your mind keeps telling based on old blueprints.
Try rephrasing:
“I have a vulnerability schema that makes me feel weak.”
“I tend to act from an abandonment schema in relationships.”
“My failure schema distorts how I see my achievements.”
The subject changes—from you to a pattern of thought. That small shift is powerful.
But Isn’t That Just Wishful Thinking?
It’s not about pretending everything is fine. It’s about realizing how much of your experience is shaped by perception.
Thought experiment:
“If I believed—truly believed—that I was worthy, capable, and lovable… how would I act differently in this exact same life?”
You don’t have to change your income, your relationship, or your body. Just imagine seeing those things through a different lens.
That’s not fantasy. That’s insight.
If you can’t yet do that, even noticing “My schema is too rigid right now” is progress.
A Closing Invitation
Schemas feel permanent. But they’re not you.
You didn’t choose them, but you can learn to work with them.
And the moment you stop saying “I am this way,” and start saying “This is a pattern I’ve learned,” you begin to reclaim the possibility of change.
In the next piece, we’ll explore how to gently loosen these schemas and build new ones—not by force, but by curiosity, evidence, and self-compassion.
Until then, just hold this thought:
“What if my biggest limitations… are just old stories my mind hasn’t updated yet?”
I love that I learn something new every time I read you - always refreshing. :-D
It’s interesting how our minds play tricks on us. Fascinating, yes - but left unchecked, they can quietly sabotage our own potential.
That means so much. Thank you for reading so openly! 😊
Welcome to Dream Steem! I'm glad to read some fictional writing or poetry from your pen here ;-))
Regarding your point: of course, it is always one's own perspective that drags one into an emotional abyss. Therefore, it must be constantly questioned. It is not easy to change one's mindset so that it can prove fruitful, but it is the only way to achieve a balanced, contented life.
Thank you >w<
Beautifully said—and I completely agree.
Challenging our own perspective is one of the hardest things to do precisely because it feels so true in the moment. But as you pointed out, it’s also the only path toward a life that feels more grounded and spacious.
It’s a slow practice, but every moment of questioning, every pause before reacting, is a small reclaiming of freedom.
Thank you for putting it into words so clearly 🌿
... if someone sees themselves as exaggeratedly and extremely positive for no reason, e.g. a narcissist or histrionic person or simply a conceited monkey, is this also referred to as maladaptive self-schemas, or does this only refer to negative self-perception?
Great question. And yes, maladaptive schemas aren’t always negative in tone.
Some schemas may seem “overly positive” on the surface (like “I’m special and rules don’t apply to me”), but they still serve a defensive function, often to cover up deep-seated insecurity or unmet needs. In schema therapy, this would still be considered maladaptive—because it disconnects the person from reality, others, and their authentic emotional world.
So whether a schema leads to self-criticism or inflated self-image, the key is: does it block emotional connection, self-reflection, or healthy functioning?
And I love that you brought humor into the mix—even serious topics can handle a little monkey business. 😉