Percocet, depression and revelations - a daily slog
one of my favorite old photos. me on the subway, washington dc, contemplating a stick. meditation? wizardry?
I've decided to try slogging. I doubt this will be a daily endeavor. but maybe once a week might not be too bad.
Slogging is my version of blogging - the steemit weblog. i might have some phlogging (photos and philosophy), plogging ( interesting posts and poems that inspire me) and maybe some flogging (foooooood!!! and funnies) one day i may even get to glogging (gif creation and drinking?) and vlogging (videos) but thats a huge learning curve to conquer. here we go...
I took a percocet last night because I felt like I hadn't slept in days. anxiety insomnia emotions. when I awoke, I felt better rested and jumped onto steemit to see the latest. todays slog will be about the strange and inspiring things i followed as tangents of a post or emotion.
first I came upon diebitch's comedy post, How to help prevent climate change. My percocet induced sleep thoughts pondered the inherent dichotomies of tricyles, non movement, recycled thoughts and garbage. my comment? "conserving energy and tricycle riding are like opposing fingers opening a bottle of percocet so i can recycle my brain..."
ya, it made sense at the time. moving on.
I then revisited comments about my last post and celebrated dunstuff's success with his post about depression, Exposing my vulnerabilities. This is a topic that's coming up in a lot of posts I see; how we treat people with metal illnesses and emotional disorders.
A couple months back, my niece was suicidal because her medication and diagnosis was not monitored carefully enough. I've also lost an uncle and a good friend to suicide from depression.
My cousin died today. We weren't close, and he was sick for quite a long time - alcoholic with mental health issues. For so long he didn't have the help he needed, because he hid his drinking and mental issues, and his family lived far away.
Almost five years ago, when I first moved to CO, he fell drunk off a balcony and somehow survived. I spent a few months assessing his health after the accident. It was apparent to me that he was the victim of "friends" who stole his money and used his house as a drug den. Eventually he was removed from his home by his family, but the damage was done.
Some people can recover from emotional issues and succeed, but many others cannot. There isn't much sensitivity for anyone struggling, and misdiagnosis is a frequent issue that might take years to correct.
I am inspired by @darrenclaxton 's story, ADHD and Creativity: How Creative Gifts Can Treat ADHD. Awareness and compassion are vital to understanding the challenges people with mental illness face..
I've been hanging out in the Helpie server while I take a break/separation from PAL. The people there are mellow and sweet and a balm to my spirit. I've been listening to soundcloud to absorb the music of @paintingangels, @yidneth, @meno, @pechichemena, @darrenclaxton, @soundwavesphoton, and a few others. If anyone has not heard their work, I suggest a visit to either PAL or Helpie to discover their musical warmth. This:
Also, check out who im following on soundcloud, and what I listen to when I'm not listening to our talented Steemit musicians. tormoozik
And, I made silly names for yidneth, carrieallen, and zipporah... there's a singing bunny in this vid!
Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah, courtesy of YoutubeMy mind has been dwelling a lot on my reasons for detaching from PAL. While I won't enumerate them here, I'd like to clarify what occurred in my mind and apologize to anyone who witnessed my meltdown a few weeks ago on @aggroed 's PAL radio broadcast.
Having struggled for many weeks with my own depression and an inability to effectively communicate, I stepped down from helping the mods at PAL, after being triggered yet again. I was irrational and speaking my truth at that moment.
For the record, I do not think the PAL mods were abusive, and I would like to apologize to @juliakponsford, @crimsonclad, @discordiant and @clayboyn if my remarks led anyone to believe they were. I think they are all remarkable people. Even though I did feel abused at the time, Aggroed has pointed that abuse is too strong a word, and not really applicable as it was not their intention to hurt me. I agree. If I could revisit that night and make a redo, I would have stepped away because I was too upset and frustrated to be on radio.
At the time, I felt that there was nothing I could do to overcome the baggage and issues I created, and the only way I could resolve the situation was to self-sabotage in order to remove myself and give everyone the distance that was required. Mission accomplished - I did a bang up job.
I fully support PAL - the mission, the mods, and all the people there. I just can't be the person that they want me to be.
So yeah, that emotional journey has taken me here, where I struggle for the reason I remain at Steemit, believing in the community and purpose. Today I found so many posts that are all worth reading. Here are a few:
@carlgnash is one of the most incredible guys on Steemit. He does everything, and is also kind, sensitive, talented and creative. He is full time father, artist, musician, naturalist, photographer, an exceptional Steemit curator and a fantastic writer. Check out this incredibly detailed post about buggies!!! Invasion of the Insect Hordes
@amberyooper is a wonderful human being, who is highly under-rated. Check out the latest post about her awesome garden project in Getting the pond set up again
I hang out in da Sneks server, You Got Snekked, because @poeticsnake is awesome. Here is her latest You Got Snekked! (Curation compilation #17). Every single one of the posts included there are incredible. She and @ma1neevent have an excellent radio curation show called Ma1ne and Snekky that occurs each Wednesday afternoon on PAL's mspwaves. Check it!
I could drop names all night, but best I save some for another day. Thanks for checking out my post, and if you've gotten this far, for reading the whole thing! Before you leave a comment, check out this last bit of advice from the supreme jedi-ninja-warrior @meno. How to get Meno to write upside down.
p.s. all photos in this post are property of @torico. music videos property of their creators, posted here to recognize their incredible awesomeness!!! peace.
I'm coming back to earth after a year plus hanging/treading/floating in that lower dimension (or higher one in many ways). It seems when we are there we can sense the others like we are sort of in a space together. I had a friend I hadn't spoken to in 7 years reach out telepathically (or whatever, but I heard him and knew he was in a bad place ). I was swimming in it, very weighted myself and just made a note to catch up with him soon when I had any energy to give. Two days later I found out he died that day after he popped into my periphery. I was devastated but i honestly know I couldn't have done anything different . Not too long after I heard about another old friend who was barrelling towards a wall and I did manage to catch him. I guess I just wanted to say I see you and hear you and I exist in and out of there too. It is a space that needs more attention and less whispers <3 <3 @carlgnash helped me by getting an article I wrote (interestingly enough it was sort of on topic- it was gaslighting of genius and what insanity is made of ). Steemit has been amazing ... #freewritesaved my life and I'm thankful to @freewritehouse and all the people on here who are willing to have honest conversations and just do what humans do xo
honest conversations seem to be lacking ears that listen. ty for your kind words, i will consider them, i'm feeling like i finally just grokked the extent of words said to me two weeks ago, and my perspective has gone from stage left to anthill. hanging suspended from a thread like a puppet whose strings were severed. finally realizing that the power controlling my strings is abandoned but i have no strength on my own.
I understand the tiredness well. Just be gentle on yourself and hibernate as much as you need <3
i dont need to hibernate. i need people who understand and dont place expectations on how i should think or act or feel.
yeah true. I guess I just think of it as hibernating to sneak away from the worlds expectations - not really hibernating like actual sleeping
gives hug, then a cookie, then another hug, then another cookie, it continues like this for as long as she needs hugs and cookies!
Baby also sends hugs btw!
forever... hugs
no icecream with chocolate sprinkles? ;*
Awww thanks so much for the mention... scratches her head and wonders about the funny name for "yidneth" :). Thanks for sharing my duet with Serena. By the way I love zip a dee do da :) I know that one song I recall it from childhood.
Sorry about your cousing even if you were not close, noone should go too soon.
Also happy on the mention of Snekky, she's so good to so many, her second steemversary is next show of hers so we better all go there with treats and cookies :)
sending hugs, we don't know each other much, guess time frames or something we haven't coincided much but thanks always for the kind words.
By the way I do not know what happened but I'm really happy you feel you can move on from it.
the funny name for you is of course ratgirl or ratlady, so it's not so big a surprise and i mean no offense by it. snekky is an inspiration to all. i wish i could emulate her hope but today is not a good day. ty for the hugs even tho we dont know each other i feel i know you a bit thru your music and words. sometimes i can write my feelings out as poetry. i think if i knew how to make music the notes would fall like water off my face and i would swim in a basement of forgotten memories
Oh rat lady s a compliment for me, totally fine with it. 🐁🐁🐁 I am totally buying a tshirt that says crazy rat lady forvmy neighbourhood not having to ask lol
I think music has been healing to me, and poetry is like writing songs.
Hope you feel better soon.
As long as all of you all around , I'll stay here ;) . I can't miss on the cookies. I send you a big hug Torico , we are humans and will always have our ups and downs .. but .. we are never alone on an island . Know you always have some shoulder to lay on.. even if it is a virtual one :D. cookies
accepts all cookies and hugs and returns a hundred fold
First of all, this is a a post with a remarkable quality. It is very easy to read and it is a post where we get to know you even more.
Also, I am very sorry for all you have been through and your cousin, that is probably a very difficult moment, but very modestly I would like to send you all my sincere support. I hope that things will go very fine and that you will get better.
Again all my sincere support.
ty juv. I am sad for my cousin, but he was not a young man. More I am sad as a gesture, for the thousands of people who suffer mental illness or depression and nothing can be done for them because there isnt the time, the money or the compassion, but most of all the awareness of what mental illness looks like.
I have seen this. I have felt it on the edges, and dealt with it up close. It exists in all of us in little bits and is a form of non-caring about ourselves and each other. It is holding up an institution, a job, a hobby or a home as more important than another human being.
You are very welcome! I think that it is a very good thing that you talk about it because not everybody is aware of depression or mental illness. My wife is a social worker so I do know a little bit about it from what she tells me.
I agree with you more things need to be done about it because it seems like more and more people are getting depressed. In my modest/humble opinion I think that may be spending time with family and friends helps a little bit? But may be I am not right.
Really hope you get better!
this is another issue, and i know its said with all good intent. "hope you feel better". its a wonderful sentiment. but it's like putting a band-aid on someone whose arm is missing. i say this with no offense taken, but rather to explain.
one does not "get better" from mental illness, like its a cold. it's a constant struggle that maybe with luck years down the road, we learn to cope. that im writing this says im coping. yet I write this for everyone who cant cope.
they cant just "feel better" or "get over it". they cant just change who they are because its a pain in the ass for people to deal with them. this is a problem with social perception. depression, adhd, psychoses, they arent just skin deep, but sometimes invisible disabilities that need understanding.
Oh I really am sorry, I did not mean anything negative or inconsiderate at all. You are right it was totally ignorant for me to just say that, I should have considered the context. At least now I know and I am better educated about it. My apologies, hope I did not offend you.
no no im sorry if you felt any alarm, as i said, no offense was taken by me, so please no apologies needed :)
hope you feel better is a common platitude used when someone wishes to express sympathy for a short term illness, and you are far from the only person who has said it. we really need a different expression to acknowledge the condition and struggle for someone who struggles daily.
its a very difficult thing, to really think about the language we use and how it impacts our view of people and events. i am the worst offender myself, often using words that really don't fit the context because I feel things so strongly and become overwhelmed
I want to make sure that the language surrounding how we view this issue matches what is occurring, because this is in turn passed on to our friends and family and reinforces the ideas about the issue.
thank you for giving me the opportunity to think and talk about this and explain my ideas!!!
Oh I am very glad I did not offended you because you are a very kind person in general and you have always been very kind to me :)! yeah again thank you for letting me know that because those are things I need to be aware of when I communicate.
I see I see and I agree with you, after what you just taught me I think that we indeed need a different expression.
Oh sure I understand.
You are very welcome it is always nice talking to you ! :)
i agree, some people are not aware but some do not want to be aware. its difficult to deal with, like death, alcoholism or incest its a bit taboo. spending time with family helps, however the issue with the people who need help the most is that they don't have family, or their family is dysfunctional and likely helped to cause/exacerbate the issue to begin with.
the question is how to help the people who dont have the support they need, many tend to be either poor, uneducated, homeless, in jail, or in some way isolated from society. some dont want help and thats a tricky line to cross when they are so far gone they cannot seem to understand their own predicament.
Awesome post! Writing about inner feelings is something I have difficulty with, you write about it very well!
Thank you for the mention! Big huggs!
i write about it very well after making a huge mess of things then analyzing why for two weeks...
i only have a second but I just wanted to pop in and send LOTS OF LOVE and hugs. ♥ And cookies!! ♥♥♥ thank you so much for the sweetness.
cookies are love. hugs
Lots of love!! It’s an intense time for many and grateful for your courage to speak out! 💕💕💜💙
@torico
Nice post.
Keep steeming
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