Depression Is Messin'
To be able to say all the problems in the world fitting in one capsulated vessel, being the human, a host to feed off of, being me. Being you and all.
The power it holds is underestimated and unseen. Easy to be misinterpreted by the blinded eye.
All I needed to hear was 'Are you depressed?'. Then all the thoughts come soaring in my brain, rushing like a twister through my thoughts making a mess of everything. Like a nealty categorised library, shelves upon shelves in nicely tight rows, falling down like dominoes. Books scattered, torn and broken. The books are the chapters the library is my life. The librarian is my emotions. The readers borrowing the books, the spectators in the theatre. Reading, watching, are the neighbours, the friends, the family.
The power of that question is the invitation. All it needs to eerily glide in, like that soft wind through the sheer lace curtains.
At first the wind blows like a whisper with words from a hot mouth. Giving warnings and asking for help. And then blowing like shouts, fighting to be heard, screaming for special ears, the wind looking, seeking for comfort in the arms that are not really there.
Invisible it may be but strong and getting stronger as the anger sets in, hurting like cuts and scrapes inside, broken bones and yet a perfect body lies.
No longer able to see the way out, the pressure is created like 20 tons, elephants upone elephants are pressing and shoving, like quicksand under water. My mind feeling like it carries an aquarium filled with piranhas eating away at my brain and at my love for most things.
Sitting in the dark asking, am I really there? Or am I just fed up?
Or am I just fed up.....
Looking above takes the strength I do not have, can only then look below. What can I find there, I don't really want to know. For now I stand in the shadows like once before, pondering on how to end this crazy cycle.
Depression is messing once again, those words repeat inside my mind, I don't want to be but is it really?
Oh you are a trickster my old friend. Making me believe I am ok but as I turn away you make me angry but all I want is to be happy. The snap of a finger, the flash of a light, quick as lightning, you react before I can realize.
I hurt because I hurt. I cry because of what happens. No. I breathe that breath to push it away. I am ok. I will be ok.
This too shall pass. Tomorrow is another day. A day to hold my loved ones, to hold them tight and never let go. And then I am alone tonight and I think... Depression, stop loving me.
Bless you is all
I can say. I have had moments when even the simple act of moving is just overwhelming. Yeah I know force through it and do something because that will help. But if that were possible in that moment then maybe there wouldn't be a problem to start with. I don't know.
I do know that you describe those feelings in such beautiful poetic words.
Thank you my friend. We all know what we are suppose to do. To make it happen and just do it is another thing, yet it is what is best to make things right. Life wouldn't be a fight without all these obstacles and there wouldn't be a triumph at the end, right?
Yes indeed. Getting to that triumph at the end is really where it is all at. In the end I suppose everyone has their own unique challenge to overcome.
I suppose it is what one does with a situation that sets us apart.
I am in a slow phase at the moment just doing the most necessary things.
Doing what is most necessary can feel bothersome and like a chore. But keep doing it, keeps us moving and gives reason. I sometimes do less. It sucks. My ass has been flattening XD
I often wonder about depression. I DO know that no same case is like the other. My Depression was a cumulative hatred towards myself over several things I had fucked up in the past and could not change in the future.
It sucked, and now my brain is SO used to being in a depressive state that I have to take medication to counteract it.
Being a mother I often think that way about the things I screwed up every night. It's a horrible way of being.
I hear you and I see you. I think the most important thing throughout all this is knowing that we are acknowledged, even a little. <3
You’re right. Depression is a trickster and they constantly try many ways to sink their teeth into our flesh... bit by bit.
Be strong and you will find ways to counter attack Depression once again.
I think one of the reasons why I was brought down was perhaps because I was strong and maybe too strong. Now I am just tired.
But I am just letting it flow through me instead of fighting it. In a sense of letting it take its visit and passing on. Fighting it seems useless and a waste of energy. Maybe I got it all wrong too. I just hate how it keeps coming back. It's like once you have it, it opens the doors to it coming back again and again and there is a thin barrier holding it back. You can feel it lingering and sometimes you can just shake it off. Sometimes it's already there.
Thank you for reading and being there through reply. You get it. <3
That’s a really interesting comment . I love the way you describe it. I know it sounds so simple but going for a run is a great way to let any stuff like that work it’s way out of you . Your brain works itself out and the endorphins make you happy. That’s what I do anyway and it works
Yep, you are absolutely right. To get the push to do it is the hard part. And I know this is bad to say and I know some people wont understand unless they have been through it, but I sometimes find it difficult to do it because I have kids. To get them ready, the this the that's and all around... In this state of mind it is easier to give up than to do it which is not a good thing. It would be easier to just go by myself but I can't. It is getting better I think. :)
I agree with what you say about not being too strong. I hava a friend that wrote about this so beautifully I haven't forgot it. About how all these years fighting just made the depression monster bigger, and one day he simply gave up, gave in, and that's when things started to change. Acceptance, flow, cleansing! I struggle with being a mother too, it gives a lot of joy, but it is so insanely hard at moments, when you can't seem to take care of yourself while having to take care of another human too..
Sending you love and tranquility! <3
Thank you so much! You get it. You completely get it. And when people understand, that is when they start to help. Sending love and tranquility and peace etc just like you did helps. Honestly I feel it in my heart. So much gratitude for you and for your words. <3
You are right friend...
Nice article...