Comedy Open Mic. Round 27: Fun Facts About Animal Mating Habits: Prostitution, Pseudo Penises, Fake Gifts, and Death Orgies
In 2005 researchers at Yale taught capuchin monkeys the concept of money by using little silver discs that the monkeys could trade for food. The males gave all their discs to the females in exchange for sex, who then spent all the discs on Cheetos until they got so fat they were unlovable.
Ok, so that concludes the romantic portion of this post.
Hyenas
One summer I worked at my friend’s dad’s auto body shop. There was a grease monkey named Jackie who loved to get real close to people and whisper, “You wanna bump dickheads?” Fourteen year old me thought it was creepy. Now I’m an adult and I know it was creepy. It turns out, his spirit animal was the hyena.
My grandmother used to always tell me to never get in a dick measuring contest with a spotted hyena. I thought it was because their jaws can crush your skull with a force of 1000 psi. It turns out she was just worried about my feelings. Coming in at 6 inches, the female hyena has a half inch advantage on the human male’s statistically average 5.5 inch dong. Actually, it is a clitoris, but Mrs. Hyena pees out of it, fucks with it, and it can get erect. Sounds like a dick to me. In order to mate, the male sticks his dick in her dick and hopes he can shoot his wad far enough up her love chute to inseminate her.
Unfortunately for hyenas, they also give birth out of their pseudo penis. You think passing a kidney stone is rough, try squeezing a two pound killing machine out of your dick hole. If you think that sounds like a bad time, you would be correct. It is not uncommon for first time mothers to die during childbirth after their dick vag rips apart and they bleed to death.
Nursery Web Spiders
If you want to fuck a nursery web spider you better have a job. She ain’t gonna spread her eight legs unless you buy her dinner first. In order to woo the female, a male nursery web spider will present her with a bug wrapped in silk because nursery web spiders are classy like that. If she accepts Romeo’s gift she’ll settle down to eat while he runs up behind her and tries to bust a nut before she finishes dinner. If the female is poor, the male might not feel like spending his whole paycheck to get in them panties. In these cases he'll wrap up a house fly he already sucked all the juices out of and hope he can plant his seed before she figures out that Gucci purse actually came from the flea market. If she’s real ugly he’ll just say, “fuck it” and wrap up a stick.
Antechinus
People use the phrase “Fuck like bunnies” when referring to people with an insatiable sexual appetite, like your mom. Oooh, burn! Bunnies copulate like madmen because that’s the only way the species can survive on account of rabbits being the most useless fucking creature on the planet. Seriously, their only job is to die. If you hate your children and want to see them cry, buy a bunny. You’ve got about a month before it dies for no reason.
Anyway, the saying needs to be changed to “Fuck like Antechinuses.” Antechinuses (which I will refer to as Ant-man from now on because I don’t want to type Antechinus a bunch of times) are like Salmon in that once they hit sexual maturity they have one mating season to pass on their genes and then they die. This phenomenon is called semelparity.
Ant-man isn’t a fish, or an ant, or a man. He is an Australian marsupial, mouse looking thing, that isn’t actually a mouse. Shortly before Ant man’s first birthday, his ball sack will start filling up with baby batter, fueled by out of control hormones that turn him into a relentless sex machine. For the female Ant-Man this is either a great time or a living nightmare, depending on how much they like the idea of getting gang banged. Ant-man knows he is going to die soon so he embarks on a mission to bang as many Ant Women as possible in hopes that he can spread his seed. All the Ant Men and Women come into sexual maturity at the same time so the Ant community turns into a frantic fuck fest that would make Caligula proud.
The summer of love starts out pretty groovy but fast forward about a week and things aren’t so pretty anymore. Ant-Man is so desperate to mate that he’s stopped eating. Those hormones surging through his body are starting to destroy him. His hair falls out as his body begins to break down. The females start getting a lot pickier as the horny males are dragging their sorry carcasses after them like some kind of marsupial zombie fuck apocalypse. The females limp to their burrows to hide from all the dicks flying everywhere and get busy being pregnant. Eventually, every single male dies of exhaustion and malnutrition.
I nominate Tamala and Sadrina.life to compete in ComedyOpenMic
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I will never try to squeeze a two pound killing machine out of my dickhole. That was a really bad Tuesday.
Every time, I say it's going to be the last time.
While it may seem pointless, I kinda envy the Antechinus. he doesn't have to raise the kids at least.
I think they all die from venereal diseases after getting sloppy eighty thirds. I guess the females have better immune systems.
Damn those 83rds must be really sloppy. I remember sloppy 26ths from high school that was bad enough.
still...
worth it.
Excellent
howdy this fine Saturday night sir themadgoat! haha! man this is some crazy stuff you find, all scientific and factual no doubt but who knew? Makes us humans look pretty civilized. Well that may be going a little too far but you know what I mean.
This was insane and insanely funny!
It always warms my cold dead heart to hear I gave someone a chuckle, and if I can do it while spreading the word about why all animals deserve to die for being godless heathens, even better.
ahhahaha! oh man sir madgoat that's a little harsh isn't it? all of God's sweet, innocent little creatures..
"Mother Nature = Not Vegan"
haha! what is that a bunch of Polar Bears eating on a whale bone? wow. no humans in all their wisdom had to invent veganism.
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