Comedy Open Mic Round 29 : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 19 - The Hand That Cradles Your Rocks.

Before I commence boring the ass off anyone charitable enough to read my incongruous ramblings I have decided to do a bit of public service. First I must confess I fucking hate clowns and all they stand for. There I've said it. That's a weight off. Among the death threats, court summonses and final demands I receive on a daily basis my assistant occasionally finds a letter asking for help and advice. One such has been brought to my attention. Dearest darling Spunkpuppet, I long to feel your strong embrace about my naked body. To rest my erect penis next to yours and to finally.. Oh no wait wrong letter. This is the one. Dear Spunkpuppet, I've been following your excellent child care advice. My son Ryan, 3 years 4 months, is now a quivering, paranoid wreck of a human thanks to the random beatings I am giving him to make up for my own pathetic lack of achievement. For this I can only thank you. However my pregnant wife is currently in hospital having fallen down stairs eight times (wink, wink). As I explained to the ER staff who aggressively quizzed me, she falls down stairs a lot because SHE'S A FUCKING CLUMSY, USELESS BITCH. Anyway they've decided to keep her in until after the baby is born. My question is; If it's a girl, how long do I need to wait before I start punching her? Not my wife. I'm visiting her later with a brick in a sock.

Dear Abject Failure, Opinions vary greatly on this. Some of which go to the ludicrous extreme of saying you should never punch a child. In my opinion, since any child you father is actually your property, you are allowed to kick the fuck out of it whenever you like. From the number of times your wife has fallen down stairs and run onto your fists I'd say the child, regardless of gender, needs a punch as soon as there are no witnesses about. That way it will feel as at home in the outside world as it did in the womb. With three individuals to beat, on at least a daily basis, you may find one of these comes in handy, as there is a danger you could hurt your fists. Thus rendering you unable to discipline them. Which would be a tragedy.

(The copyright for this image is the property of Everett Herald)

Having retrieved his firewave inductor from Toby's Binary Reality Projector, Jake felt pretty good about himself. Of course that might only be because he was stoned off his ass. Speaking of which, he had a wicked case of the munchies. He giggled when he remembered he'd brought the aluminium foil with him. He opened the first roll and started to munch. It's flavor was neither appealing nor unappealing, but it was very chewy. One pack only made him hungrier. By the fourth Jake was into his stride. All he had to do was ignore that part of his brain telling him this much aluminium was fatally toxic. That was obviously balls. The more he ate the better he felt. He'd run out now though. It was a shame drinks cans weren't on the menu. They contained far too much tin. There was more at home though. Meaning that it would be a good idea to get there asap. He'd keep an eye out along the way for any other source.

The door down from the roof was unlocked, much to his surprise. That was the kind of luck he never usually had with anything. A swift examination revealed it couldn't be locked. The hole in the latch plate had been packed with something so the bolt wouldn't engage. More forward planning or happy chance? Either way he was on his way. Jake climbed down the steep steep steps, finding himself in a cupboard space with another door. This one being unlocked as well and using the same method of having the latch plate jammed. There was a man and a woman having an argument two thirds of the way down the corridor. Did he need to avoid them? They were so deep into their disagreement they'd hardly notice him. Yet Jake knew as sure as eggs were eggs there'd be bad guys out for him. It stood to reason. Toby had stated there were Sentinels who would be opposed to whatever he was doing. That was the main reason he had no idea what it was. Nobody could torture what you didn't know out of you. He shuddered at the prospect. Bits of his body being electrocuted and snipped off with no information on offer to stop it.

The two of them were still at it. He'd have to take the chance. Acting as nonchalant as he was capable of, he strolled down the corridor towards the stairs. Whistling tunelessly? Would that increase or decrease his conspicuousness? Best to keep it simple. He would have to avoid eye contact without looking like he was avoiding it. As he drew nearer that became a problem. The woman was familiar. He'd met her before. Oh fuck. She'd followed him. Jake could already smell his own tender flesh burning. Feel those bolt cutters settling against his digits. Yep. He was definitely staring at her now. Like the professional the woman was, she pretended not to notice. 100% focused on the man she was having a very impassioned argument with. The guy had his back to him. If he leaped into action Jake could shove the man into his partner, send them sprawling. Kick them both in their faces then make a run for it. That was a plan. A piss poor one, but it was all he could come up with currently. Now he was close enough to hear what they were saying.

"And I'm telling you, I'm not letting you back in to collect your property until you pay me the two months rent you owe."
The man declared.
"Is not possible Mr Kelly please. I need my properties to make your monies. I need clothings to work. I have nothing so I make nothing. I lose my job if I don't have things to wear."
The blonde replied tearfully. She was a bloody good actress. Jake had to give her that. If he didn't know better he'd have believed her bullshit.
"I'm sorry Nadia, my hands are tied. Honestly if it was up to me I'd let you back in. It's not. I collect the rent. If I don't collect it I don't get paid. The landlord says I've got to keep your stuff until you pay up. If you don't pay up he'll sell it I'm afraid."
The actress turned on the full waterworks. Now Jake was close he knew he could take them. The man was shorter than the woman and pretty scrawny. This would be easy. Oh the woman was good at pretending but her planning skills weren't up to much. He was almost level with them. He had seen this Nadia before as he'd thought. It was the cleaning woman at Kevin's offices. The one Doxy had spoken to. Jake had thought it would take him a while to get up to speed but here he was already cooking with gas. A complete natural as a special agent, or whatever the fuck he was.
"Please Ray, is important." She was still leaking tears the cunning witch. "My Great grandfather's medals are very precious to me. He fought for Polish army in great war of independence 1913."
Jake snickered. Nadia, if that was her real name, hadn't even done her homework. Poland didn't exist as a nation in 1913. It had been carved up between Russia and Prussia long before that. Schoolboy error there. Her ploy might have worked with someone with less knowledge of history, but not him. The two were so deeply into their respective roles they didn't even notice him walking past. Jake reached the stairs and glanced back. They were still pretending.
"Hang on. I think I might have misjudged this scene somewhat." Slowly and carefully he walked back to them. "Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing you. Perhaps I can be of assistance."
"Look mate I don't want no trouble. I'm not being a prick here I'm just doing me job. The one I get fuck all thanks for doing."
Nadia turned to him.
"Is you! The one shining lady calls Sparky. Please not make me more in trouble. I not want to be interrogated by more shining peoples please."
"Sorry about that Nadia. Um... did they ask about me by any chance?"
"Nie. They only interested in shining lady."
"Ray is it?." The little man nodded. "How much does she owe in back rent?"
"Well strictly speaking Nadia is three months overdue. I've knocked off the week over cos that didn't seem right. She's got her deposit to be refunded as long as there's no damage or excessive wear and tear. Call it a grand."
Jake reached into his pocket and pulled out his rapidly diminishing wad. He counted out 50 twenties, which Ray then recounted, before nodding that he was satisfied. Jake peeled off two more and stuffed them in Ray's breast pocket before patting it. Just because he'd always wanted to do that.
"There you go, something for your trouble. Can Nadia please have her stuff?"

The two men waited outside the front door of the flat. It was small and threadbare, but not a slum. Between the two of them they had zero small talk available. Therefore they contented themselves with nodding and softly grunting at one another. In between the uncomfortable silences. They each did a few eye rolls when they heard Nadia apologizing for taking so long. Christ this was harder than parting with all that money. How much would it take to get Ray to bugger off for half an hour? Shortly after suicide became a viable option and immediately before it became a necessity, Nadia came out.

"Much thanks Sparky." She said forcing her face into a smile, which left more quickly than it arrived.
"Do you have anywhere to stay?" Jake inquired.
"Yes thank you. There is hostel I stay at for now."
Now he was responsible for her he wished he hadn't helped. This woman was in a much deeper bind than she knew. He could be wrong, yet he knew he wasn't. Nadia was not from this world. Whatever had affected it had also brought her here. Judging from the way she acted and looked, telling her this would not be a good idea right now. It would be best to let her find out in her own good time.
"What's the address? I'll order you a cab."
"No, is fine. Everything is fine."
"Of course it isn't. You've got three bloody suitcases here. Do you have a car?"
"Nie.. No."
"So what's the address of this hostel?"
"Is on Horton Road."
"That's less than half a mile from where I live. I can order a cab and drop you off on the way. It's only a slight detour."
Oh Jesus she was going to cry again.

He took the two heaviest cases and carried them down to the lobby where they waited for the cab in silence. She kept giving him these disturbing looks though. Like it was taking all her courage to even glance at him. Nervously twisting her fingers together. Constantly on the verge of bawling it looked like. When the cab finally arrived she jumped out of her skin. Jake placed her cases in the boot then got in the backseat with her. She shuffled over to the far side and would have gone further if the door hadn't been there. He was afraid to say anything. Every time he moved or made a sound she'd flinch. Twenty minutes into the trip. He tried a smile. She looked around for an escape route before creasing her own mouth into the semblance of a strained grin. They got stuck in traffic. Where they sat in silence and Jake wished he was with Ray right now. Back in the better days of uncomfortable silences. Oh how he missed them now. He hadn't known how lucky he was.

"Excuse please." She trembled.
"Sure. Do whatever your thing is." Jake replied, unsure of what was going on here.
"You is wanting to sex with me yes." Not a question a statement. One that left Jake floundering.
"What? Why do you think that?"
"When man pays thousand pounds to woman he only meet once, he expects repayment. I know this. Please I am willings, but please do not be hurting me too much."
"Fuck."
"Yes. That is word the mens use. I is wanting to fucks with you."
"No you aren't or rather don't." Although in a very surreal way, she already was. "This is not a sexing transaction Nadia. I recently received a lot of money I cannot spend fully. Mind you at the rate this is going I might have to take out a bank loan. That's beside the point. I do not want or expect anything in return." He caught the eye of the driver in the rear view mirror. "Also could you keep your voice down. I am not in the market for fucksing... Why am I doing that? Look, I've no idea where you got the notion I wanted to sleep with you. All I did was pay some money then offer to give you a lift back to your place.. Ah. Right. Now I look back, considering the circumstances as a whole and the language barrier. Your English is very good by the way. Far better than my Polish."
"You is speaking Polish." She'd sure brightened up now.
"No. That was a figure of speech. I can barely speak English. I'll drop you off and help with your bags. After that you owe me nothing. I'm not even sure why I helped you. I do know it wasn't for a shag."
"What is shag?"
"Oh God never mind. Let's get you to this hostel. Then you can forget you ever met me."
She patted his hand softly.
"Thank you Sparky. Are you not find me attractiveness?"
"Oh no. I'm not going down that rabbit hole. Thank fuck we're here. I'll get your cases."

Extricating himself from that situation had been educational in many ways. Jake had learned he wasn't as natural an agent as he'd assumed. There was very little he'd got right. No time to dwell on that now. There were a dozen rolls of aluminium foil with his name on them. Stuffing those into his face took no time at all. His body used them as an upper. Right up to the point he fell back onto his sofa and into a very deep sleep.

This was nice. He hadn't had a good erotic dream in such a long time. Sharon was working her magic on his junk. Nursing her stallion back to health so to speak. Polishing his pecker, though not with her usual skill. In fact that didn't feel like Sharon's hand at all. Drifting upwards from his siesta. Slowly regaining consciousness. He was aware there was a hand working around down there. Poking, prodding and pinching. Somebody once wrote that if a man heard a dog speak to him that man would know true terror. Well Jake had just found something that invoked even more. Once he shared it, that other quote would be history. Instead they would say, when a man wakes up and finds a hand fiddling with his cock and that hand is his own. Then he knows true terror, made even more terrible by the fact he had a bit of a chub.

I would like to nominate @crazychina and @rawn for the next round.