Thoughts from a Bavarian train | About self sabotage

in busy •  2 months ago 

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I'm a bit hangover, and more than a bit tired. I knew I had to be at Salzburg's Hauptbahnhof at 5:45 am to take the train to the Munich Airport and still, I had some beers and played cards until 1 am. I don't feel tired per se, I'm just zombified. A very conscious zombie though. Sort of like a zombie from 28 days later or world war Z, not like one from the walking dead or Dawn of the dead. You get the point. I feel dead inside but I'm fully above operational average on the outside.

Maybe I'm a masochist, or perhaps I just enjoy it when things are hard, when it seems like it's really costing me something to get anything, otherwise the victory or consequences have no real taste or flavor.

I have an anecdote to exemplify this. I mean, out of a lot of similar circumstances during my life I think this has become the norm for me. Back in 2015 I played a championship game in a game that is a mix the of rugby and football. We were ahead for around 5 scores mainly because of me, it was a piece of cake, we were already winners. And then it started to feel tasteless for me. Did we really played that good? Are we truly so much superior than the second best team in the league? That can't be right. The season's peak felt overrated; my whole season felt like a sham. So I decided to start playing bad and take a few hits and make some mistakes that allowed the game to be tied with 2 minutes remaining. I know, it sounds stupid. But it was only then when I felt the thrill, that chilly sensation down your neck and into your spine. It was only then when the victory would taste good. When it's on the verge of falling, on the line of positive and negative, in between a happy afternoon or a week of sorrow.

We won. Of course. Last minute obviously. Just the way I like it. Exactly the way it tastes the best; the victory, that is.

And that has been pretty much the norm for me since I'm like 14. It seems like I autosabotage so much just for the thrills of it and so far it has costed me a lot, especially because not every time I take calculated risks, I end up with the upper hand.

But see, this is when a woman is important, at least for me. Not that I don't consider women important or any feminist idea you can get out of this. Let's just say that for the sake of my post, I'm not gonna mention every other situation where women are important, but just this one in particular.

This is why having a woman in my life is important. And exactly why I haven't had one in around 5 years. Women provise a cautious approach to any situation, they give you a feet on the ground attitude, their general mindset is specifically built for making a man less of a cave troll, and more of a sapient man.

I mean, I saw that first hand. I have only had one real girlfriend and it lasted three years. In 3 years she was such a good influence that I changed jobs and started earning a lot more; I finished (actually started and finished) my college degree; I stopped drinking 4 times a week and changed it to 2-4 times a month; I started my own business on the side and a lot more things. Long story short, I became a better version of myself. Maybe not the best one, but still a very good one.

I think that one of the reasons this happened is because - apart from other stuff -, she slayed my thrill seeking vice, she vanished my adrenaline addiction that made me sabotage myself just for shits and giggles, and then while giggling, solve the situation.

Suddenly I wasn't late to any appointment. I made all my work deadlines. I delivered on time every uni assignment etc, etc.

But not everything was positive. Life became a little dull, especially for someone who like drift everywhere. That's why my brother calls my general behaviour. Drift. Like on a skateboard. According to him, I don't like taking the bus in time and then walking calmly to my destination. I prefer to go out late, skate to my destination and arrive sweating, stressed and drifting on my skateboard. I have never skateboarded but I think that's accurate, I live and love drifting everywhere, figure of speech, I guess.

But not today. I set my alarm for 5:15. The girl I'm with in Salzburg didn't say anything about it but she set hers at 5. And then pretty much rushed me into leaving the apartment at 5:20. I was planning on leaving at 5:35 because the hauptbahnhof is 5 minutes from her place. But she won the mini-argument. I left earlier and on a taxi, not a bus like I was planning.

Eventually I reached the train station, 15 minutes early. I was a bit pissed, those were 15 minutes I could've slept or spent with her or whatever. It's dull to arrive early. It's lame to be there 15 minutes early. There's no adrenaline rush in that, it's just a nice, safe process with no climax or peak. And yet, it's the right way. I know this because I spent around 8 minutes trying to find out what ticket I should buy and where to change trains etc. I got to my train around 2 minutes before it left.

If it hadn't been for that woman and her push, I would've lost the train, which in turn would've make me lose my flight, which in turn would screw with my Visa arrangements and legal time in Europe, thus banning me from entering the Schengen area for one year. I mean yeah, I could just buy another plane ticket but I'm being overly dramatic so my points comes across and you get the idea.

So now I'm on my train, writing about my thoughts, and my auto sabotage, and how I'm a better version of myself thanks to good influences in my life, and exactly how boring it is. But in the end, it's right.

I'm arriving in a couple of minutes in the airport, so I have to wrap up this post, I hope you liked reading it :)

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Dude you're smiling way too much in this pic, I'm not used to it.

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Oh this is something we can all relate to. I myself belong to the procrastinators anonymous club. Why ensure you have enough time for doing stuff if you can live on the adrenaline of rushing to deadline after deadline. At 43 I should know better and I'm a woman... 😂 But it still happens to me too. Good post. I enjoyed it and even had a giggle because including the hangover I've been where you are at quite a few times in life. 😉

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If you go to the North of Germany, let me know on Discord somewhere ?

I can arrange a place to stay near Berlin, if you don't mind 1 hour to the city and some farm smells.

Thanks so much man, I will definitely do. I'm going back to Mexico in a few days but around January I will hopefully be back in Europe (currently sending CVs to German companies) and I'll hit you up on discord :D

Farm smells? The town I live in Mexico is a Cow town and I love the smell and the vibe :) So hell yeah! Good to hear from you man!

There is not a right way or a wrong way to do things for me, there is only a way that makes me feel good and a way I feel not so good,
and maybe it comes with aging, but now I tend to always choose the way I feel good, and sometimes at least, the way that feels the better...
When you know yourself pretty good, you know if you like some good stress or not...I see no "wrongness" in your adrenaline need as long as it makes you feel good, this is so personal and everybody should live in an "aligned with their best self" way 😉

Self-sabotage is a problem for many I think. I tend to sabotage my relationships.

When it comes to the schedules, I perform better under stress than I do when I have a lot of time so perhaps it is actually creating the conditions of success rather than sabotaging.

To listen to the audio version of this article click on the play image.

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haha maybe it's best to keep silent here..but then again wth.. I'm also that woman that plans it all out, makes sure we have enough time for errors when we go on a trip.. bf is like you, rather spending 5 more minutes of sleeping .. but every time I'm glad I'm pushing him to get up on time, as it always turns out we forgot to take out the garbage with us before leaving, or clean a bit of dishes from that day or whatever.. And I don't want to risk missing a train that we booked or a flight that has been paid for :) it's not worth it to sleep 5 mins more to risk that (and have a stressy me on the way there lol)

Glad you listened ;)

I can relate as I often feel my best work is done under pressure. Sometimes I can look at the screen for hours and take my time but when everything comes due, I am on it like a madman. Not sure how much the body and mind can stand it in the long run but if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it!

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Man I am the complete opposite! If I’m not at least 10 mins early. I freak out!

Tienes mucho que agradecer, vivir al limite es grandioso yo lo hago en la montaña trepando el árbol más grande, sabiendo que podría desnarizarme y quedar muerto o inconsciente, pero eso de vivir al filo a pesar de la emoción de llegar, genera diabetes, adrenalina, presión arterial alta y un sin fin de dolencias que en el futuro podrían no ser muy agradables así que créeme agradece, el montón de tramites que te has ahorrado, perder mucho dinero en reprogramaciones de vuelos, entre visas y otras cosas que mencionas, además, creo que si no habrías llegado a tiempo no habrías escrito no tendrías tiempo para ello, pudiste también recorrer el aeropuerto para ver alguna buena oferta o platicar con alguien no lo sé, sentarte a tomar un café.
La puntualidad es para mi el don máximo que alguien puede tener, ya que puedes jugar con tu tiempo pero no con el de los demás.
Saludos y que disfrutes tu estancia por esos lares.

There is a very thin line between winning and losing but the real excitement lies in between that moment which is quite thrilled one.....hope you make it to what you aiming at....with some lady luck around.....👍

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