Getting better, but remaining sick.

sulev (70)in #blog • 6 years ago

I got a fever on Thursday. I thought I managed to catch the flu, but gladly that wasn't the case.
I was really nervous about skipping Friday from work, I even felt I didn't want to stay at home, but work and earn money, which is sad - I can make more money here in a day than at work (~60$). I also feel inferior to others and feel a need or duty to be present at all times as I'm new and unexperienced. I end up being stressed as I feel I should be learning all the time. So staying at home is something out of the question. But I had to stay home.

It's sad - the last thing I thought about was my own well-being. I don't even like this job and I'm willing to potentially die for it. On the same day I read about a young man who went to work with a fever thinking it will simply pass. It ended up killing him. My job will never be worth it.

Now that my illness has passed and I'm feeling about 90%, ready to go to work tomorrow, I have to ask myself: Am I still ill?

What's it worth going to work every single day if I don't enjoy it?
Why do I feel a deep responsibility to get better at a job that I plan to quit in a year anyway?
Why don't I pursue the things I would enjoy?

Time is running out, literally. I get older and soon I'll die. I don't want to look back in disappointment.

It's always been a constantly mildly depressing, but comfortable life. I need a better life, a happier one, one with less comfort.

Yet, it's so hard to change.