living my life whit a childhood trauma..

living my life whit a childhood trauma..

most people know of PTSD but its 99% thinks is only war veterans ho has PTSD.
but its so much more. my childhood trauma/ PTSD is very complication to explain recently in my new job my trauma has made my life very complication and am in a situation where a cant explain the my colleagues how its affecting me. am not angry at the facts they dont understand. because they cant just like you ho is reading this cant understand. the only way to understand is to have something equally or know first hand how its working.

a think a got a revelation a few days a go. on how it works.
if a get stressed or something is triggering me. a freeze up and forgetting how it works dont matter what it is, can be at work, riding my bike, doing anything. but when its happing am not able to do it regadless if a know how. last week at work was a prime example how its is a was working on a bike bleeding a brake. dont know what happen but a tried maby 5-6 times and was not able dident know what a was doing wrong. finally a ask my manager to give me a hand. he fixed it in 5 min. a was observing..so a started doing the front brake and it dident work. at this time a knew my what was going on. so a put the bike away. the next day a want there put the bike back on and bleed the brake prefect on the first try took me 20 min.

on the way to work last Saturday morning

so how can a explained this to anybody. it has noting to do with skill..noting its no point to go on a course or read a manual see a video. and every time its happen its so pain full so bad a just want to scream. a spend so much time trying to fix my self...but am so broken. my self esteem is just broken like how can a fix it whit this is happens on a regular basis. but a remember years a go when a didn't understand what was happen. this is the sole reason a stop riding bikes whit my friends.

so this week a been so tired a had and hour at my psychologist last week a been sick ever sins a came back from Canada. but a know now. am not actual sick its just stress. a get sick now when am thinking to get out of my flat. my body just putting up my walls defending my mine. but its not actual a constructive defense its more a curse at this point. a had a plan to get out ride my bike this week am not working a lot before the season is starting but now am been inside my flat alone for 4 days. a just feel so tired..of everything am just gong in a crazy circle.

back in Canada when a was like this a had and gold to go outside one time a day just go to the park move around a bit 5 min its better then noting..so this is my plan. forget bike riding atm a can come back to it when a feel better. now a need to get rid off my Frezzz before a can do anything. just when am making this post my boss sms me and ask me to work tomorrow.

this is the most ironic thing of all of this. a know Depp down am a good worker and my collage/ boss wants me to work. but when am at home my mine just wanders away in to a dark dark place and just stay there to the next time a going out.