3 day depression Ramble

2 weeks a go a started school after been gone for over 10 years.

its a big change can we say. school has alwasy been a dark place for me one of the darkest one.
not going in to it here but my post on the subject a few days a go. letter to the teacher

almost every day a have had a panic attack of some kind at school resoling in my start to cry in class or on the way home. a lot of nightmares.hard to have a good night sleep. but it was part of the plan so not surprise at all but this week it started on Thursday a had a day off. lot of plans did not eat or do anything on friday a was away from school it was not a chance in hell for my to get out. now its Saturday evening a had plans to bike, sms a few friends to meet up. but its just a ts like an idea trapped in the fog.

From my first week in Canada last year

am waking up moving to my computer start playing a game. then eat something after 10 hours then over eating. then going to bed. and repeat the next day. sadly its normal for me its happen from time to time. when its a new situation or something am struggling with. when am stuck in freeze to long my body stop working. then this happening not much can prevent it.

cycling its a medicine for me but last week a was having hits pain in my leg from sit on the bike incorrectly a had a brake on my riding it couldn't have happened at a worse time. Riding for me is the most effective way to get out of a freeze. a was to worry the pain will get worse. a think a was correct to think the pan was from sitting wrong but my body and mine are so well connected so a get pain all over when my mine is trying to tell me something is wrong like now my arms are in pain my knee lower back a have a headache. so its hard to decifer if its mentally or not. its still tricking my all the time.

am sad over the facts am letting it go to far down the rabbit hole and not calling a friend.
this place am now a have been here hundreds of times before and am still doing the same.
its give my sadness over the facts am still hurting my self.

am impressed over the facts a stated school and when there for 2 weeks before hitting the wall it was the 2 most difficult weeks a had in a long time it beets my first two weeks in Canada by a land slide. noting can relay compere a was always on time at school 8.45 after one hour journey.

from the sky train in Vancouver Canada last year

so can a hop off the train and have a good Sunday with pressing the restart and start a new week on Monday. a hope so. the first step is this post then having a normal dinner.