Welcome to Beastly Tales. Each has a message, a moral. All are meant to have an element of humour. Naturally, any names included do not depict real folk but are included as part of the joke.
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(As with Beastly Banter Beastly Tales is written and illustrated by Richard.)
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OTTO TRIES TO BUY A CLUNKER
Otto had always avoided having a car,
He usually did not need to travel far.
Additionally, he was so often drunk,
That it was very likely he would go clunk,
As he ran into another car,
Resulting in altercation, yes, a spar.
But now it seemed it might be the time,
To venture into car ownership prime.
He walked down to the used car yard,
Ready to negotiate most strong and hard.
The car salesman wore a yellow suit,
The purple wide tie didn’t look cute.
“What can we do for you today?”
“The finest of cars, what more can I say?”
“This little number was owned by a granny,”
“It has low mileage. She stayed on her fanny.”
“Alternatively, this little number is very sporty”
“Suitable for dates if you’re inclined to be naughty”
“And this little beauty was owned by a vicar.”
“It has a fixed price, don’t try to bicker.”
“Now, what can I do to put you into a nice car today?”
“What can I do, what can I say?”
Otto thought the salesman dressed very nicely,
What he was wearing was so very precisely,
What Otto would himself have worn,
If he could only have been born,
A slick spruiker like this salesman,
Yes, of the salesman’s dress he was a fan.
Otto saw an old disposal Hum Vee,
“That should be almost big enough for me.”
And so he enquired as to the price,
What he heard was not very nice.
“We can put you on a time-payment plan,”
Now Otto became more of a fan.
“You can take the Hum Vee for a test drive,”
“You can sign the papers when back, you arrive.”
“The Hum Vee is a bit of a clunker,”
“It ran full speed into a troop bunker,”
“It also ran over an Improvised Explosive Device,”
“Which threw it in the air. Not very nice!”
So Otto got in, behind the steering wheel,
In charge of the situation, he now did feel.
He started the motor with a throaty roar,
A cloud of oily smoke was all he saw,
But finally he was out and away,
Other motorists staring at Otto in dismay,
This giant Juggernaut roaring along,
With Otto at the wheel, singing a German marching song.
It wasn’t long before there was a siren, with flashing lights.
Otto now felt one of his Otto frights,
He’d had a liquid lunch, now the copper would do him in,
And here was Otto, feeling proper and prim.
The policeman shoved a meter in front of his face,
“Count to ten,” he instructed, what a disgrace!
“Eins, Zwei, Drei, Vier,” the needle went over the red,
“This is the highest reading I’ve seen!” The copper said.
“You’d better come along to the station,”
“To the sarge you can give due explanation.”
So Otto abandoned the Hum Vee on the street,
And followed the copper in dejected defeat.
So for Otto, it was the end of the driving road.
He was so fed up with cars and coppers he thought he’d explode!
He was so dreadfully tired of all the fuss,
So he determined, from now on, he’d take the bus!