Lima BEING Deep: Mental Health Journey, Childhood Memories, & My SteemitSpiritAnimal
That special fragment of a moment in which my family was mostly happy, sober, and together.
Slightly F'd Family
Mom on the left is full of love. Actually too much. Thats where i get it from. She puts all her energy into one person at a time. Woe to you if its not you at the moment. Woe to you if its you but you don't want her attention and she gets hurt by it. But she was and is always there for me. I'm lucky in that sense. She has a lot of skeletons that I won't go too much into in the off chance that she actually reads this, but like me-- she initially comes off as bubbly, sweet, simple, innocent. I'm a lot more complex but she is too its just hidden very deep down. Its partially because she had the desire for us to live better than I moved so many times. 20 times before I was 20 to be exact. I counted the other day. I wont write the list of previous homes cuz thats not smart interneting but its a lot. Here however is ONE of them.
The First Home I Can REmember CLEARLY
Behind that creepy looking school-marm is the railroad tracks where my foot got caught once while the train was coming. I've had a lot of somewhat-near-death experiences like this. But some dude in a truck rolled up and picked me up out of my shoe before the train came and saved my life. My sister just stood there in shock. In fairness she was only three years older than me and I was about 5 at the time.
Yap, I've bopped around 20 smallish towns and cities for half of my life and almost died at list 4 times. My question is: Is something trying to kill me or is something trying to make sure I stay alive??
Another great thing about living in this town which was population 300 hundred at the time and is not 700 in the city limits was that no one was ever watching you. There were these recycling trailors full of newpapers and one of them always had "the funnies" actually i think my sister read the entire newspaper but all i wanted was the comics. That Cathy sure did crack me up. Limas first feminist icon? Maybe. lol. But the best part was that we had to climb in to these trailers and sit in them and hide like the Boxcar Kids. I've always been a fan of hijinx. This was the first of many totally harmless yet not ladylike adventures for me.
I don't really want to get in to too much more right now but know that therehas been both joy and sadness-- trauma and miracles in my life as a poor kid from the country and a broken home. THEN My crazy wild-eyed self moved to the city. It was when I first moved to Boston that I began to feel "the train" as I call it. In my shoulders there would be a rumbling energy moving all over me. I couldn't sleep. I panicked daily. I sheepishly found a therapist even tho I'm complete from a bootstraps dont-call-the-doctor-til-your-dying rural area. That was 2007. 10 months later my dad died of a crack overdose in Hawaii.
Mental Health Journey -WEEKLY CHALLENGE
So every year I try to focus on one thing as me "resolution". @esaia-mystik called it it a New Years "Evolution" and I like that. I don't know if I have or will evolve any more or less than normal but the goal here is to be more active and openly productive about my work on my emotional and mental health. I'll never be what everyone wants me to be. I may never be exactly what I want me to be. But I'm open to practicing and I'm doing that with weekly challenges. This week I am taking a look at my childhood and making plans for the year which is the following:
1- living and speaking in as simple a manner as possible (rather than making excuses or explaining myself over and over)
2- Daily positive affirmations
3- Weekly goal for physical health (physical and mental go hand in hand)
4- Monthly appreciations.
I'm going to make sure this manifests into being more outwardly productive on steemit rather than just chatting, upvoting, and curi-ing. The more I can practice regular posting. The easier it will be to bring forth all the good stuff I have in store for my personal page as well as @teamgirlpowa.
NOTE: that my ability to do this today and my motivation has been the lady who I call my steemit spirit animal.
@techslut
She inspires me to be the best me and to be loud and vibrant as I have the inclination to be. I hope some day I can half half her confidence , good looks, and wisdom. Also to not be afraid of slightly annoyingly misogynist whales!! Haha (more on that later if I can manage)
Thats all for today. sorry I'm not so funny or musical or whatever yall like about me tonight. Its 5:11 and im trying to get out a weekly post as im sitting on about 5 unfinished ones. <3 to all.
~~Limabeing AKA Capn GirlPowa
For a fun-yet rowdy group that walks the line between riot grlll and "hey girl!":
Neither. Something is trying to remind you that you are alive. You live. This is not a drill.
This specific line reminded me of my favorite Amanda Palmer song that makes me cry every time but reminds of what is important. If you don't know it, listen at a time when you can afford to get all teary and emotional.
Let's make a little pact: let's push each other to do just that. I've officially quit most of my non-steem jobs and want to focus on my book and on blogging as a full time job. I have no idea what I am doing. Honestly, I am used to writing for money, not for people. Let's drag one another into being better us.
This is the part I get all smiley and teary-eyed. This is who I strive to be. I want to inspire curiosity, bravery, originality, creativity, and love for oneself and others. So thank you. Thank you for seeing me as the person I want to be. Because sometimes I see myself as a pathetic whiny attention whore with nothing interesting to say. And then you make a meme from a random thing I said on chat. Thank you. So many thank yous. <3
Let's own 2018. Let's direct this new year evolution toward our goals. We can do it. And look fabulous while we do. :)
Yw =^^= !!! Grllllpowaaaa biatchessss
Aaaamd i just watched that. 💥💥💥💥🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🦑🦑❤️❤️❤️❤️😝😝 yes. And yes and yes
I believe in you. I think I know what you mean by
1- living and speaking in as simple a manner as possible (rather than making excuses or explaining myself over and over)
Maybe I don't, but for me that means trying to be assertive, trying not to feel obligated to overextend myself, and trying to accept that what I can reasonably offer while still managing my anxiety is not going to meet everyone's expectations.
I meant to respond n i forgot. Thank you for beliving and understanding!!! Hope to see u soon
Awww this is a wonderful post Lima AKA Capn.
This honestly should be everyone ever's mantra. None of us are ever likely to be exactly what we want to be, and we may not even know exactly what we want to be, and even if we think we know what we want to be, we may not even want to be that if we become it. But the second part - "I'm open to practice". THIS is life. THIS is living. THIS is growing, and loving, and not stagnating, and not shrinking and not succumbing to depression and anxiety. Being open to practice. Practice is such a wonderful word because it implies that there is nothing wrong with the result if it is not perfect. That is why you practice, in fact. Practice is a form of doing that is not so caught up in the results and the expectations - and because of this, it actually produces results. Results *happen* when we just practice and do, and if a byproduct of your practice is that we get to read more amazing posts - then everyone wins!All the love - Carl
Its so freaking true of course!!! Its what i tell voice students all the time and only in the last few years thought to try it in my life.
It sounds like you've lived an intense life from early on - which shapes your personality and brings it's own struggles. I'm a psychologist and am fascinated by all aspects of 'being human'. The way you're born (comparisons with your mother), the way you grow up (moving all the time, almost dying - or always getting saved?!), a fascinating and complex mix of life and the end result is you. Unique and worthy, ALWAYS, since without you and all that you are the world simply would not be the same.
It's great to work on your EVOLUTION. I think as humans we often make the mistake we're ever 'done' learning, evolving, that life is ever 'free from work'. We have to keep getting better people until we die - let's make learning and evolving fun and life will not be that bad :-)
Interested in reading your stories! I'm glad I finally had time to read a bit about you since meeting on Discord :-)
Cheers!
Im glad too! N thanks for this comment. I didn't know u are a psychologist!! Wow. So much talent. This is "kind of" two challenges but i fudged up the instructions. Im gonna write a new one for this week.
Haha! Many more secrets might unfold over time ;-) I love the genuine connections we all make here.
Good luck writing your new story!
Wow, it takes a courage to open up like that!
You are very inspiring!
I'm so happy to see the community you build, and teaming with such beautiful people (@techslut <3)
Yeah as you can see i left out a lot of gory details haha. N the goriest i just kinda dropped n no one said anything lol. Lets all just keep growing, eh?
You are amazing, that's it!
That's a nice post @limabeing, I feel know you a bit better now as in your physical worls as well as the virtual. I saw your Steemit Spirit Animal barking at some bad dawgs yesterday ;)
Meaw! :P
I should probably edit all those typos tho...
Hey @limabeing that was a pri-tty real post!
Thank you for sharing more about yourself! I would never have guessed that you have such a heavy background!
I can relate to your comments about the relationship with your mother... Mine is similar and all it is, is unconditional love, no matter what... There are very few guarantees in life but having that as your 'at least I've got that' option is much more than the bare minimum for you to get motivated and succeed as the human that you are and are becoming regardless of what everyone else expects of you, just listen to your soul and go for it cause to me it sounds like you'll have that unconditional support behind you every step of the way :)
My drawing buddies keep me afloat lol
It looks like I found a rad group of humans ie. @skippyza ; @w0olf @beekart @zneeke , probably the people I chat to the most in the other world :P
Good on you for taking control of who you are and accepting, with forgiveness, the people in your past for who they are, despite the damage they may have caused.
I'm glad you've survived your near-death experiences, and hope you've seen the last of them.
Moving around a lot is tough. We were on a two-year cycle because my kind-hearted mother had a pathological attraction to unfortunate men. I hope you've found a home base somewhere along the way - spiritually at least, if not physically.
Oh the spiritual home!! Thats a good writing topic for next week! ;)
I think I can answer your question:
I think something is trying to kill you but don't worry, things are trying to kill everybody else. Why the death of everyone else makes this easier is something I have never understood.
Keep ya head up. Life deals us shit hands sometimes but we can always decide what to do with it.
Thanks for sharing your personal story. Awesome!
🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
Just live hon. Do what feels right, listen, learn, kick some bootie, piss people off, make people happy, save the day, fuck up, etc.. ( You know, that "do the best you can" stuff.) 😗 Even if we don't completely agree on everything, who cares? We don't mind telling each other that so it's all good. 😄 I betcha it was not easy clicking "post". Good for you for doing it anyway.
You know whats crazy? It wasn't that hard to click. Ive been through a lot of therapy and in general these aren't the parts of me that scare me anymore. I figured some would like, some would hate, some would say im ehining.. the usual.. its some othee stuff coming out that is scary but i have been inspired.