9 People You Meet in Movie Theaters

The Adjuster
Movie theatre seats are slightly adjustable, but mostly in the sense that they wiggle a little bit. They're not La-Z-Boy by a long shot, and somehow the Adjuster can't grasp that concept. They spend the entire runtime of the movie rocking back and forth in an apparent attempt to get comfortable. The do it with such fervor that it seems like they half expect that the chair will eventually recline flat like a bed, despite the fact that this has never and will never be the case. Get as comfortable as you want, just try to do it in a way that doesn't annoy the shit out of the people around you.

The Snack Sharer
Snacks at a movie theater are expensive as hell, so anyone who wants to spread the wealth is okay in my book. That said, there are some people who take it too far. The Snack Sharer is so impressed with their ability to shell out $13 for corn that they insist on making sure that everyone around them as the opportunity to feast on their bounty like some sort of concession stand Mother Teresa. This wouldn't be so bad were it not for their insistence on constantly checking in on every goddamn person to make see if they want a nibble. What's worse is the fact that the only person who ever does is seated 10 seats down from them. You're then forced to pass the greasy bucket down the line so that person can take one single kernel and pass it back to the Snack Sharer, who waits two minutes before asking everyone if they want some popcorn again, starting the whole annoying process over again.

The Question Asker
From the second the previews start rolling, this person is nothing but questions. They have NO idea what's going on in the plot, and are apparently unaware that they can get the answers by WATCHING THE DAMN MOVIE. Instead, they turn to you and ask question after question until you also have no idea what's going on because they've been distracting you for so long. If you're this bad at watching movies, you shouldn't be allowed to do it.

The Predictor
The Predictor is just like the Question Asker in that they don't seem to understand the concept of staying quiet. However, unlike the Question Asker, they have ALL the answers. Rather than trying to....ya know....watch the movie....the Predictor tries their best to guess every plot point of every movie before it happens. What's more, they insist on leaning over and telling you their guesses, in an apparent effort to impress you with their prophetic powers. Suffice to say, they're usually VERY wrong.

The Bathroom Goer
A movie is roughly two hours of your life, right? Nobody's bladder should be so small that they need to pee any more than once over that small period of time. The Bathroom Goer has to pee easily six or seven times before the credits roll. What's worse is the fact that they always sit dead in the middle of the row, forcing them to do a slow disruptive side saddle to the aisle, while everyone uncomfortably bends their knees to let them out, missing crucial plot points in the process.

The Phone Smuggler
People are rude, but they're not SO rude that they'll answer a phone call in the middle of a crowded theater. That said, there are some people who use their phones in a manner that's almost as distracting. You'll be trying to watch a film, when a blinding light hits you in the side of your periphery. You look to your left to see that the person next to you is holding their phone in a manner that they clearly think is inconspicuous, but super, duper is. The Phone Smuggler can't make it two hours without fielding some texts and checking IMDB to see what else that actor was in, and you can help but wonder why they even bothered to pay $15 for a ticket!

The Obnoxious Laugher
The Obnoxious Laugher doesn't do anything wrong really, but that doesn't mean you don't wish they were sitting somewhere else. It's not their fault that they're bad at enjoying movies, but they really, REALLY are. They laugh loud. They laugh weirdly. They laugh at times when they're the only ones laughing. By the time the movie is done, everyone has already pinpointed the sound of their voice and come to resent it just a little bit. You're happy they're enjoying themself but you kinda wish they weren't. Not only are they distracting, but the possibility that they might be associated with you is absolutely devastating.

The Snoozer
They planned the movie. They bought the tickets. They made sure you got there twenty minutes early so you can get the seats in the middle of the theater. They're super excited for this. Then the lights go out and so do they. They don't even make it through the first scene before conking out for the entire runtime of the film. The weirdest part? When they wake up they have opinions about the movie! You don't know if they're lying or they just had a bad dream, but somehow the Snoozer is sure that they absolutely hated a movie the didn't actually watch.

The Guy Sitting All Alone
You're not sure why, but he makes you.......uncomfortable