A very CONSERVATIVE ELECTION Chapter one and two (recap)

DISCLAIMER Nobody in this story is real or based on real people.

Chapter one.

Its seven days before the general election and Theresa May and her adviser Nick are in a limousine on the way to a public rally. “I think the party should have definitely considered my fun tax idea” Theresa mutters to Nick while she is reading the manifesto. “Well it was either the Fun tax or the death tax” Nick replies “you can’t have everything your own way” he adds. Sssssssss Theresa hisses “stop that” Nick tells her you have a rally it’s time to pretend to be nice. “Yes got to be nice for the plebs” Theresa moans.
They drive through a ghetto and Theresa May looks around surprised “it amazing that people live like this, “this place is horrible” she explains. “I want all funding to this area stopped with immediate effect” Theresa demands “I will make a note” Nick answers. “In fact knock it down” Theresa decides Nick looks up at her “knock it down?” he repeats “where will the people go people have children?” he adds. Theresa nearly vomits “do not say the C word” she asks.
They pull up at their destination only to see a huge crowd of people “they love me” Theresa announces “I knew they would love me” she proudly adds. “They’re Corbyn supporters your supporters are the over there” Nick explains. Ssssssss hisses Theresa as she sees about twenty people waiting for her.
She walks over to her audience “remember to be nice” Nick reminds her. “They cut the children’s hospital” one of the local residents moan, Nick looks at Theresa as she attempt to holdback being sick “after an independent enquiry by us it was decided that funding for that particular project was cut and deemed unnecessary” Nick interrupts, Theresa regains her composure.
Theresa May approaches a suited man “you have done this nation a great duty” he says as he grabs her hand “thank you” Theresa replies as she takes her hand back and begins to clean them with anti-bacterial wipes. After twenty minutes of talking Theresa walks up to Nick and begins to complain “Oh these people make me sick” she moans before seeing a camera pointing at her.
“The Conservative government will be forced to implement further cuts in to your areas facilities after all we are now in this together” she states to the camera.
Meanwhile Boris Johnson is being interviewed on the television “I’m here with Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs Boris Johnson” the reporter announces, the interview begins and all is going pretty well for Boris Johnson until somebody in the audience brings up the subject of foodbanks. “I I I I I I think the thing is with foodbanks” he rambles “is it’s a stupid name isn’t it?” the reporter looks at Boris confused “well you can’t eat banks can you? The name implies that they are banks made of food but it is not even a bank, is it?” Boris asks.
It gets worse for Boris when somebody in the audience asks “do you think they war on terror is working and is killing civilians ever acceptable?” Boris grabs his tie and loosens it a bit “there are extremists out there that want us dead” he explains calmly “I think they only way we can deal with these extremists is kill them” he rambles on.
Richard is Boris Johnson’s adviser he is watching and hoping that Boris handles the questions without exposing his stupidity.

The Interview has finished and Richard and Boris have gone back to their office. They are sitting in their office discussing their plan for promoting the party through the election. “I think we should go on a fox hunt” Boris declares “It’s illegal” Richard answers “but but but they foxes roughed up my cat” Boris explains. Richard looks at Boris as he plays with his toy cat he shakes his head and begins writing.

Chapter two

Meanwhile the Chancellor of the Exchequer Philip Hammond is sitting in his dark, gloomy and dull house “Susan” he shouts in his deep gloomy voice “where’s my cup of tea, Susan” he adds as he awkwardly walks around his house.
Susan is in the kitchen making his tea but the noise of the washing machine covers up her husband’s groans. She turns around holding the tea on a tray only to see big evil, dark looking eyes looking over at her she panics and grabs the first thing that she comes across which is a wooden rolling pin and attacks the strange dark creature with.
“Ouch” Philip cries “what the fuck do you think you are playing at” he adds in his angry, deep dark voice. Susan cries “I’m sorry Philip but I thought that you were some kind of vampire or something” she explains. Philip grabs his cup of tea and storms off out the room moaning on his way “idiots” he shouts “I am surrounded by idiots” he angrily adds in his deep dark voice as he leaves the room.
He walks in his office still holding his head, he is about to sit down when something on the television catches “according to latest estimates at least seven have died in and attack coordinated by ISIS” the news explains. Hammond smiles “good” he says to himself has he rubs his hands “this attack will give me the green light to attack more of the Middle East and take their gold and resources” he adds before laughing a dark and twisted laugh “muhahahaha” he laughs until a the handle of a broom smashes against his face. He looks up angrily only to see his wife holding the broom “I’m so sorry” she declares “I did it again” she adds as she walks off.
Theresa, Boris and Philip are now all getting ready for the Conservative conference tonight “don’t forget to be nice” Nick whispers to Theresa “I am always nice” she hisses at him, Nick looks at her and then back to the documents he is reading “we should address some very important issues tonight” Boris rambles as he pours himself a drink “I am sick of everybody talking about poverty, welfare, the lack of decent houses and exploitation, I want to talk about fox hunting so I can get revenge for my cat” he adds as he strokes his toy cat.
Richard snatches the cat from Boris “I told you not to be seen in public with this” he angrily shouts Boris is upset.
David Cameron walks in to the room with them and approaches Theresa May “good luck” he says as he walks past. He then stops and walks to Nick “can’t you stop her from doing that?” he asks. Nick looks at Theresa only to see her masturbating “THERESA” he shouts “what have I told you about doing that in public” he angrily adds “do you want to lose this election?”
Boris begins to laugh and ramble “looks like I’m not the only one that likes playing with my pussy” he jokes among a series of groans and moans. Richard looks at Nick “how the fuck are we meant to make these people appear human?” he asks. Richard looks at Boris and Theresa “maybe we should cause a diversion take the attention from them” he says.