zumba for babies is fun : i don't know who i am anymore

think of the words mommy and me fitness and now picture the person likely saying them . crumple that up and throw it away. now picture someone whose favorite exercise is remembering decades old chris farley quotes and laughing until she is kind of winded . that second one is me.

and it is not parenthood that made me like this . i spent more energy trying to quit the gym next door to my office than i ever did working out there. i was on the softball team in high school and before you think that means i have some athletic prowess remember that softball is a sport in which you sit down half the time unless you are are terrible at it as i was and then you get to sit down almost the whole time . when we ran laps at practice i'd wait for the coach to look the other way then bolt across the middle of the track instead of making the full lap.

now if i ever do some kind of low key fit person thing like get off the train one stop early to take a slightly longer walk to work i will insufferably slip it into conversations for weeks as if it is just a thing i do all the time . if i mentioned that one to you please know i have done it twice.

so when i was expecting my daughter no amount of fierce pregnant dancing instagrams could peer pressure me into taking up prenatal exercise. i have always had a pretty chill relationship with my body we let each other live you know? but i gravitate toward clothing that pretends my midsection does not exist at all and is just a floaty blank space between my clavicle and thighs . pregnancy though meant all my clothes become clingy and any weight i gained only meant i filled them out better . rather than squirming to pull my shirts loose i found myself chuckling about that juno quote that t shirts working really hard while feeling impressed by everything my body was doing considering it is not used to doing much at all .

then the baby came out taking much of my baby weight with her , some of it came off from breastfeeding , and some of it just feels like the size my body is now and what the fuck ever . so no you will not catch me at crossfit. never mind that the entire notion of returning to your pre baby body is a scam. my body remained a pretty low priority in the day to day of helping a slow gain infant learn to eat constantly having to delete single photos at a time so my phone could continue to function or trying to remember that not everyone wants to hear my birth story. it was not that bad ! really! there are a lot of very good and valid reasons to exercise that have nothing to do with looks at all feeling energized improving strength posture sleep and i have consistently failed to convince myself of them which is exactly for lack of trying .

this june my daughter turned 2 and i can count on one hand how many times i have worked out since before i was in that delicate condition that required near constant sitting and slurpee drinking . make that half a hand . so when i got a press release exclaiming that baby zumba is a thing i had to laugh ; wow do you have the wrong editor for this.

but then i remembered how back in january i spilled my guts about being a contrarian. i vowed to try more things. to stop holding myself back. to admit that there might be something in this non healthy habit forming lifestyle of mine that i'd like to change . so i wrote back;

that sounds fun! i'd love to try zumbini with my 2 year old!

that is when i found out the class takes place in the middle of a buybuybaby store . during store hours . i immediately pushed my affirmative RSVP to the place in my mind where i keep rebates i should mail in insurance claim questions that need following up and event invitations on facebook. the forget about this forever pile . and i actually forgot only to be blindsided two weeks later when the reminder email showed up. my immediate impulse was to fire off an excuse but instead i wrote we'll be there before i had the chance . i texted my husband about my surprise plans feeling preemptively ashamed .