The truth is I have spent my day lost in hard thoughts. I blame myself for staying, for choosing mistreatment, believing I deserved it. I can't help thinking I brought it on myself even when I know it isn't the case.

I have this gnawing fear love will always be like this-painful, world-shattering and horrible.

It won't. I know it won't. Will it?

In books and films, I am Cinderella. I cook, I clean, I serve. My life is one of routines, albeit based on personal demand. Still, I am not kind to myself. I am wishful and lean heavily on hope. I am building a new life out of scraps of time and dreams and whatever good is left from the old. But am I waiting for my prince to come? The idea makes me shudder.

I have heard my fair share of advice in the last few weeks:

"You should ease into life slowly."

"Don't go looking for love. Love will find you."

"Sign up on Tinder."

"Give your heart time to heal."

"You need no-strings sex."

"You are better off alone."

On and on it goes. Much of it from well-meaning family members who want to support me but clearly have no (good) idea what to say. I can't lay blame. I also don't know what to say.

So I am doing what I always do when life or the world is too much. I am reading. I have a handful of favorites I rely on. Right now, it is The Secret Garden. I found this beautiful, illustrated copy at a local book shop.

This story is a nosedive into grief and the ways we encourage its manifestation in our lives. Grief moves generationally, from father to son in this narrative, until a girl who is unhindered by the drama of the family caring for her smashes the cycle.

Right now, I am every character in this book. Reading it burns. The flames, I think, are purifying.

"It's the door to the garden no one can go into," she said to herself. "It's the garden without a door. He lives in there! How I wish I could see what it is like!"

I can't tell when I will be open to love (or sex) again. They are my metaphorical secret garden, door still undiscovered. Still, there are plenty of other places to cultivate seeds of change in my life.

In lieu of further advice, I would enjoy book recommendations. Thoughts?

xoxo,

Dani

The first three images are from pixabay.com. I took the other two.