My letter I wrote my neighbour before I left
Enough With Your Loud Fence and Tall Drum Kit
Dear Mr Jackson,
I have always felt proud living near to you. You are the most rancid neighbour a person could ever meet.
Therefore, you must understand how difficult it has been for me to approach you with this matter.
I'm afraid I can no longer stand your unsightly garden ornament.
I lay in bed last night, trying to sleep, and all I could think about was how your fence is too loud and your drum kit way too tall. I had a nightmare that you burst in through the window brandishing a dog collar
I have to insist that you take action to stop your unsightly garden ornament from upsetting me. I demand that you paint the fence then cut down the hedge.
And while we're on the matter, I'm finding your loud music increasingly inexcusable. This is not the kind of behaviour I expect from somebody living in a respectable neighbourhood like Little Oakley.
If you don't rectify the situation I shall have no choice but to call the coast guard and post photos of your unsightly garden ornament on Twitter.
Furthermore, I have close ties with gangsters and I won't be be afraid to cash in a few favours if you don't comply with my demands.
Thanks
memeon