My family parenting style - altered
So I've introduced you to my dad.
If you've read my previous posts you'd have garnered that my dad was an abusive alcoholic narcissist. And you'll have a good idea by now or at least formed a picture in your head of what he was like as a parent.
Not good.
Yep. He died a couple of years back clinging to a bottle of Lambrini in his bed. Liver failure, he knew he was on his way out and so did we. But, he wouldn't help himself for no-one.
Sometimes I just had to let go of that control.
So sad that a man that was earning £100K and above in his work not less than 10 years ago died such an excruciating and lonely death.
But this is the price that you pay for the choices that you make in life. People from the health profession like to loosen the hatred from friends and family members by making them think about the childhood the abusers had. And they're right, because a lot of it isn't pretty.
But there needs to be some accountability somewhere - because we can't show leniency on a killer because they were exposed to a terrible childhood. At some point in their life they had chosen to kill and they should own that accountability for their actions.
Dad sucked at that.
In fact, most alcoholics suck at accountability.
"Sorry for last night - I was drunk"
To me that's not an excuse - I want a real apology. What drove you to do such things and to be reassured it wont happen again.
But that's just me. I'm highly experienced at dealing with the accountability of other people.
Now that I have a child I try to be completely different to my dad. My Son, he's a beautiful, polite and conscientious young boy. There's no way I'll knock him out. Or wake him up and breath my drunken stupor all over him.
My wife would definitely have something to say about that anyway.
But I try and give my boy the chance that I never had. I love that he has a personality and he has wants and needs, and emotions. I allow him the time to experience it all. And I guide him.
I love when he's sad, because he gets to have Daddy hugs and cuddles, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that - he'll learn from me that it's perfectly Okay to show emotion.
And I'll never bark at him if he's angry. If he's angry it means somethings up, and I'll try to seek out the cause instead of angering myself with the effect. I'm allowed to be angry, so my son is allowed it too.
Unless he tries to hit, or throw, and then he really is in trouble.
I'm trying to grow him into an emotionally stable young boy, because that's something I was never helped with. And I had a bazillion problems, which fed into another bazillion problems.
I don't want that for my son, never
But life is never easy or straight forward.
All I can do is my best and hope for the best.
Like my Mum tried for me.
And that's all I ever asked.
I do believe that coming across this post was meant to be. @lifeisawesome , you don't know how happy I am to have read this. My siblings and I also grew up in a "not so fun home" .My father passed away due to other health issues a few years ago. I still don't feel the need to forgive him. When I was told what happened to him growing up, I felt like I was being told he knew no different. My family abuse was passed down 3 generations, on both sides. I vowed to stop that in its tracks. My child has been taught it's ok to have emotions, and that crying doesn't make a guy less of a man. He learned self control and think things through. Most of all, to never ever hit in anger.
Abuse happens more than people want to believe, and I hope that more parents learn to break the vicious cycle.
Yes! It's about 3 generations for me too. I've stopped that fucker in its tracks. There's no-way I'll treat my son the way I have been treated. Well done you for managing to stop it too. You should feel very proud of yourself :)
Good article, up-voted, however your competition is stiff, here is the previous winner of the Dad of the year award:
You got some work to do to catch this guy! -Lulz
Haha. As a massive game of thrones fan I big-style chuckled at this lol
"Yep. He died a couple of years back clinging to a bottle of Lambrini in his bed. Liver failure, he knew he was on his way out and so did we. But, he wouldn't help himself for no-one." crazy watching a show named shameless and same issue. but its more common than we think.
It's very common I'm sad to say :/
Your doing good by your son, and really that's all that matters. You ARE a GOOD Dad !
Thank you :) Lovely to hear you say that. I expect if you are one then you are too :)
All fathers make mistakes, no one is perfect. But as long as we keep trying, that's what really matters ! Keep up the good work ! And yes ... I have 4 ..
So true. I'll make mistakes, and he'll hate me for them, but I'm trying. It's all I can give is my best!
I would have to add something about the mother's of the abused children.
If any of those would even try to protect their children, as they meant to do, we would have less unhappy childhoods and I assure you less drunken dads.
Unless they are drunkards themselves, then a case is completely lost.
Oh so true, so true. I was lucky enough to have a Mum that took me and ran off in the middle of the night :)
Thank you for sharing. Like my husband, your ability to father is affording your son the stability of a father that you yourself did not have.
Very true, I love that you say this - thank you :)
My pleasure!
Teaching our children how to talk and communicate, negotiate and compromise from the moment they are born is very important, I think. Keep up the good work. Parenting is not an easy task. I write a lot about the experiences I am having raising two young children. If you're interested, have a look sometime.
I will! I'll go have a look now :)
Thanks a lot!
I see you learned well to copy your Dad. You seem to have a community which is financially encouraging your emotional melodrama.
When will you let the old man die? And get on with your life? And stop teaching your son to be a melodramatic basketcase.
Interesting! I've written a few thousand words here and you seem to have me pegged better than any of the painstaking years spent with consultant psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors and people that helped me.
Years.
But woah, in come you with your 1 week summary - awesome! Perhaps you should drive your instant diagnosis' forward to the medical community. You'd be an instant sensation :)
All sarcasm aside though, why do you care so much what I write about? :)
As always great content, keep it up. Maybe you can also check my latest we are in the same field. :)
I will :)
Just being aware of your father problems has give you the power to be a better father. My life was similar in so many ways only I am female I just never knew what, how or when I was to get abused. I am a surviver but my father is still alive only a drunken mouse of a man now at 78. I so don't have any anger or fear of him and I know I am a better person today compared to him at his best.