How to Become Awesome Like Me

 
 
Dear Normal You,
 
 
My name is _________. I want to tell you about how I became awesome by being me. I was born in _________ and at an early age I knew that I was special among average individuals. In school, I did _________ edgy thing and although my parents had _________ difficulties I managed to become more awesome than my peers.
 
 
I’m a self-made _________. Whenever something good happens in my life is due to my awesomeness, positive thinking and courage. Whenever something bad happens, is obviously because of my bad luck. So quit being sucky you and be more like me.
 
 

Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity — Oprah Winfrey

 
 
I am writing this because I care about you, not me. Hear me out very well because I am about to reveal to you how to be awesome like me. This is why I am subtly showing off without you even noticing. I want to tell you about _________ ideology, because I believe we can change the world, positively.
 
 
This _________ Ideology has been part of me since always. I was born for this shit. _________ ideology can make you a better person. The _________ contra ideology towards mine sucks. Together, we can fight the opposing _________ ideology because it destroys our life. Even though nothing really changes other than a paradigm shift, at least you will make me rich because really, you don’t like yourself that much and need someone else to blame. I am giving you a vague idea to oppose, and ofcourse, my awesome self to lead you to it. This is why you are reading how to be awesome like me.
 
 

The mind is everything. What you think you become. –Buddha

 
 
You see my friend? You create your own luck! You see those starving kids in Africa? Well, obviously they need to read more about the _________ self help book that I wrote. This book changed my life because it arbitrarily rhymed with something fortunate that happened to me once. Since then It has been easy to find success and preach to everyone how awesome they can be (and how much they suck). People need to stop complaining. Really.
 
 
The world revolves around me—much like it does for any western privileged 1% that got lucky. Even though you would find this statistical distribution in any casino, lottery game or statistics 101 class, you still believe what I am telling you because really, you are jealous of me. Why so many people are not as optimistic and successful as me? Well obviously, because they are not as awesome as me! Luck has nothing to do with it! I am trying and creating my own success! You obviously don’t know how to do this and need to start acting like I do!
 
 
When I was unlucky I never thought to write about any of these stuff because I was always awesome. The random gene variation that gave me optimal physical attributes, a comfy western bed and a life with good opportunities has nothing to do with my awesomeness. I mean, come on, 15% of the planet already has that! The rest struggle for food, water and shelter on a daily basis. But leave those guys out. Those guys have bad karma and obviously don’t know how to be awesome like us; like me!
 
 

“If you are born poor its not your mistake, But if you die poor its your mistake.” - Bill Gates

 
 
Tell you the truth, only after I became really really famous from random events I decided to preach to you how to be awesome like me. By the way, visit my ________ website to learn more about how to be me. I mean, how would you else believe me? Nobody wants to hear people before they are randomly successful. People believe something after it occurs and it rhymes well when they hear about the struggles. It makes them believe they can do it too! You know that logical fallacy called post-hoc? Obviously you don't! This is why you are trying to be me!
 
 
Steve Jobs, Soros and every other famous person you look upon exist because of simple statistical variations. But don't tell this to anyone. Tell them that their models are special; point out their random qualities— like their habits, thoughts and food they eat so you can become like them. Copy four, five, twenty habits from their life and you will magically rhyme with the rest of the 6 trillion entropic actions they also do daily. But leave those other actions out! Just do those 20 things all of us awesome people do. Oh and buy my book. Always buy my book.
 
 

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. –Wayne Gretzky

 
 
You see, you should obviously try to be more like me. Forget about incomprehensible randomness, statistics, logic and rational thinking. I mean who needs all these hard thinking stuff! Aren’t you tired being you? You know that it sucks being you! Wake up! Learn how to be more awesome! Embrace your innner empathic consiousness to transcend into the multiverse of karmic possibilities! Be Like me!
 
 
Best of Luck,
__________