I just wanted a mattress…

The health benefits of looking at videos of humourous cats on facebook remain under-reported. After a stressful day at work, I was feasting on funny felines and generally enjoying life.

This put me in a relaxed mood, and a facebook advert of a mattress made me think “I really need a mattress for my flat”, as sleeping on the hard surface of a bed frame is uncomfortable.

The advert was for LEESA, a mattress which has three layers of foam! Support foam, memory foam and avena foam! And it rolls in and and out a box! Plus, I can try it for 100 nights and if I don’t want it they’ll just come round and pick it up again.

I thought “I’m getting this mattress and nothing and nobody is going to stop me”. I clicked on the link and was about to order the mattress when another advert came up on my facebook , from a young lady with inhumanly white teeth and shiny eyes:

This is the SIMBA, and has springs!

It also comes in a handy little box, and also has a 100-night sleep guarantee! Weird huh? OK the shiny teeth have sold it to me. Click to order, but WAIT! Here’s another mattress-in-a-box and this one is yellow! It’s called EVE:

I want it, because there aren’t enough yellow mattresses in the world. It’s also comprised of foam, has a 100-night sleep guarantee, and comes foldable in a box. That’s it, I’m sold, this one’s….. WTF?

Another one?!?CASPER? Also foldable foam mattress in a box and with a 100-night trial?!? The lady is meditating with lots of white balloons, and it’s named after a fucking friendly ghost. How could I choose anything else? But what the hell there’s another ghost-themed foldable foam-filled bed around and it’s called GHOSTBED. Are you shitting me? This time it’s got a 101 night trial (like a mini Arabian-nights)

This couple and their dog seem really happy about their Ghostbed. A bit too happy… if you ask me. They’re just having too much fun on a bed. These two look more serene in the scandinavian DREAM ZEBRA:

But if I’m getting a Scandinavian mattress, I want the world to know about it. What’s the point of getting something if it has a name, however cool it is, which doesn’t say “I’ve got Ice-Cold Scandinavian style”. Enter, HÜGGE:

You’ll be AMAZINGLY surprised that this mattress also is foldable, has layers of foam, and has a 100-night trial. But what about the similarly-featured OTTY? This young lady looks content, at least:

And she even has mini-mattresses for her dogs:

OK this is getting sillly now, maybe I should just stick with something simple, like BRUNO?

“Sir, is this another foam-filled foldable boxed mattress with a 100-night trial” you ask? Why yes. And the symbol is a bear. But do I really want to sleep on something called Bruno…? Not really. I prefer EMMA:

OK, I’m checking out. Life’s too short to spend so much time on foldable mattresses. But there’s another one just as I’m about to check out FFS. And this is called THE MINISTRY OF SLEEP:

How can I ignore something called The Ministry of Sleep? It makes sleeping on a foldable foam-filled mattress delivered in a box with a 100 night guarantee sound more official. OK i’ll… Oh COME ON….

I think I’ll sleep on the floor*