ROCKIN RACOON

 AS if we needed further testament to how much animals rule, check out the scrappy little raccoon who scaled the 25-story USB Tower in St. Paul, Minnesota. It all began the morning of June 13, when three maintenance workers at the downtown skyscraper spotted the female raccoon curled up on a ledge 20 feet above the street. They kindly offered a makeshift ladder so she could climb down to freedom. But no, the wily ingrate ran the other direction, then dug her claws into the building’s mottled stone facade and started to climb. As an audience watched from the sidewalks, as well as from inside the building, the raccoon scaled five stories within minutes. A marquee on Minnesota Public Radio’s building across the street flashed the news: “St. Paul’s downtown raccoon reaches new heights.” (Do yourself a favor and watch the footage KARE 11 News reporter Alicia Lewis posted of the raccoon climbing to the Mission Impossible theme. It might help you forget the impacted eggplant story.) By lunchtime, the raccoon had covered 13 stories. By midafternoon, she was seen resting on the 22nd floor. 

Meanwhile, social media users everywhere went berserk over the unfolding drama, with updates and suggestions for how to rescue the raccoon. One doofus even attempted to fly a drone toward her, but was thwarted by wind. Finally, at 2:45 A.M., the badass raccoon summited the roof, where she was rewarded with a tasty bowl of cat food, which had been placed inside a trap set by wildlife officials. Wildlife Management Services retrieved the raccoon later that morning, reporting that she was “incredibly tired.” At lunchtime, an announcement was made on Facebook that she’d been taken to an “undisclosed location,” with a video of her happy release. Now try to remember all the good will you feel for this critter the next time you see one skulking by your house at midnight, a dirty diaper in its mouth. As one Twitterer warned: “Do not be fooled by their attempts to be cute. This building-climbing scheme was just part of their nefarious plot to take over the world. Stay vigilant!”