The Many Bullies in our Lives
I'm thinking of the many bullies — big and small— from the playground variety to internet trolls, partners, parents, presidents, dictators, etc . . . Of course, public and private tyrants are as old as humanity itself. It's an ancient spiritual truth that those who cannot master themselves are hell bent on controlling others — exacting revenge for their personal inadequacies, even on the world stage.
Yet, do these bullies see themselves this way? Most likely, not. It is a perversion of human nature that bullies (and, you can test this against those in your own life) tend to play the role of victims. Part of the danger of such damaged persons is that they cannot imagine the harm and pain they inflict upon others, so wrapped up are they in their own story. There is an Egyptian saying that addresses this paradox: The tyrant is only the slave turned inside out.
Think about it, whether in the world of politics, or in the private sphere: the jailer is never free. What is true of nations is also true of personal human relations; keeping others down always robs us of our liberation. Since we are born to be free, controlling others is a spiritual impossibility. Those who try to do so, are doomed to live in a state of agitated insecurity. This, alone, ought to be a lesson to bullies; but it's not.
Look at the contortions, for example, that corrupt leaders go through, just to remain in power, or psychological abusers. The antidote to this, and all other maladies of the spirit, is self-knowledge and seeking freedom. Here is another quote, this time by Russian writer, Anton Chekhov, that illumines the great inner work required of all of us in order to be free of suffering and, in turn, not make those around us suffer, as well:
Write about this man who, drop by drop, squeezes the slave's blood out of himself until he wakes one day to find the blood of a real human being — not a slave's — coursing through his veins.
Ah, the ego.
It was probably like 13 years ago I'd read Caroline Myss' "Sacred Contracts," went through the process of selecting archetypes I resonated with, surprisingly to find the Bully was one of them.
It's been a humbling journey witnessing that aspect at play in my own psychology. Perhaps never physically bullying anyone (well, two kids in elementary) - but engaging in that dynamic internally, through a sort of self-righteous attitude at all times.
I guess I eventually went through alot of ego death over the years and was able to disarm alot of it. Though there was certainly enough left to cause a good amount of discord in my marriage, and I wonder how differently things would have ended had those old control mechanisms had been disabled completely. The ones showing themselves outright are easy to catch, but there's a whole other bunch that operate subtly and sneakily on an energetic level that are just as destructive.
I admire your candor (& am grateful for your trust) dear Rok. Old habits hardly die... But, if we are vigilant, they are less destructive & return with less frequency/force.
We do not always overhear ourselves & paradoxically, cannot do this inner work, alone...
It helps to have others keeping us in check & (compassionately) pointing out when we repeat our vicious cycles.
Sorry about your marriage & hope some good comes out of it —- wishing you what I wish myself: peace, humility & transformation 🙏🏼
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