One of the biggest hurdles for my own recovery was exploring what behaviors actually constituted as being violent or violating others and myself.  The key was figuring out how other people felt as a result of my actions, words or behaviours and was the determining factor for whether or not I had crossed the line into being violent.

I want to repeat that to be crystal clear:  

The feelings of others determines the line of violation, whether they disclosed it or not!  

Dictionaries, court rulings and all those words help but should never be used as the benchmark for defining whether we hurt somebody else or not.  In order to figure this all out requires some key components.  Otherwise we are all lost!

Source:  Oxford Unabridged Dictionary (1958)

Capacity to empathize

In order to empathize with another individual, we must first have the will and ability to sit and listen to them.  If we refuse to do this first basic step, then there is no way we can get to the point where we can really relate to and feel the feelings that the other individual is working so hard to portray.  It also requires that we have the capacity to feel our feelings, to reach out with those feelings and connect with another being at a feeling and spiritual level rather than just an intellectual or physical level.  As Steven Covey says 'seek first to understand, then to be understood'.  

The capacity to empathize is probably the single most important skill we have to help us recognize and eliminate violence in our lives.  This is a skill just like any other.  It requires teachers to show us how it is done, practice to build proficiency and due diligence to ensure the skill is never lost or abused.  If we lack this skill, then our own ignorance will result in actions being violent towards others without our conscious awareness.  

This is, by far, the largest hurdle that people have to overcome along their journey towards peace and freedom.

Capacity to self evaluate

People will often react to an injury, whether they are aware of it or not.  Others have the capacity to articulate very well how they feel about what has happened.  Being confronted by others is challenging as our normal reaction is to move into a fight or flight response.  Armour goes up and the war is on.  For those who are really interested in self improvement, they will find the courage to lower the armour and really contemplate what is being said, as long as it is not violent in return.  Boundaries go both ways.

This self contemplation is an astoundingly empowering skill to acquire as it allows each of us to engage in critical thinking and make determinations on whether our actions are peaceful, honourable and loving OR violent, revengeful and based out of anger, hatred, fear or are own pain.  This is the foundation for nearly all spiritual or religious movements the world has ever seen.  

Our reaction to others when they express their feelings will determine whether we engage in peace or retaliate with violence.  It is a fine line and requires skills to walk that line.

Capacity to hold a peaceful, healing space

Those first two skills build the framework for our capacity to hold a space where people feel safe to take risks and be vulnerable.  When they feel safe they can then start expressing their own pain, fear, anxieties and other feelings that they have locked up deep inside their heart.  As a result of not being able to share and express these feelings, they get sick, struggle with intimacy in their relationships and may even have problems empathizing with others, engaging in critical thinking themselves and maybe even resorting to violence as a result!  Healthy, balanced relationships are only possible when we work through these issues.

When somebody takes a leap of faith and finds the courage to share, it is absolutely critical that we not jeopardize the security of the space at all and do what ever we can to keep the space safe so that they can complete the journey of sharing.  We must avoid trying to save, fix or even take away their pain.  Saying anything that would diminish, demean, justify or take away their feelings is a violent act and will sabotage the whole experience for that individual.  That, in of itself, is violence of the worst kind as it may harm that individual for the rest of their lives as they may never be able to release and process those feelings.

Capacity to accept responsibility for ones own actions

I've been witness to a lot of people, myself included, who work very hard to justify their actions.  Most of us function at such an unconscious level, we are not even aware that our behaviours are violent.  Social constructs like the legal system, politics, economics and other fictional constructs provide us with socially acceptable methods for engaging in violence against others.  It is so common that the vast majority of people don't even contemplate it and if they do it is justified as being okay because it is 'legal' to do.

However, if we are to overcome violence and find peace in our lives, it requires that we rise above the social norms and find a much higher standard upon which to govern ourselves, our lives and behaviours.  If we are unwilling to make this commitment, then we choose to support the continued cycle of violence in our lives and that level continues to fall quickly.  

In the end, this boils down to a simple principle:  there are no excuses to engage in violence against another individual.  I don't care if you are drunk, an ass hole, in major pain, dealing with your own trauma, a psychopath, a spouse beater, raper, murder, thief, priest, rabbi, politician, run a wealthy business, Queen or even the Pope!  

NOBODY has the right to force their will upon another!  I don't care if it is physical, emotional, mental or spiritual.  I don't care if you are aware of it or not.  I don't care if you are indifferent to it all.  There are no excuses for violence, whether it is covert or overt, legal or illegal, moral or immoral, justified or not.

If you hurt somebody physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually, you just crossed the line into violence.  If your ego got hurt when somebody called you on your shit, that is your problem and responsibility.  Your reaction to confrontation is not an excuse to make accusations of violence and any attempt to do so is a violent act.  Critical thinking is mandatory in these situations.

The most cruel thing we can do to another is violate them, treat them like a piece of meat and throw them away.  We are all spiritual beings and as such we are all sacred.  It is up to each and every single individual to establish the boundary for how we want to be treated and make sure nobody violates that boundary.  It is our duty to one another to confront others who violate boundaries, including ourselves!  

If you are getting angry then look in the mirror.  No excuses, no blaming others, no justifications allowed.  Violence is violence and it must be called out at all levels so that we can heal and then figure out how we are going to prosper on this planet in peace, freedom, prosperity, joy and love.