When a Patient Dies in Your Arms...

Last night I went into work to do my shift as a Nurse. I know everything about my patients. Sometimes I feel like they know everything about me. I can tell when they are having a bad day or a good day and I try hard to keep that smile on my face all day long but some of them know when it isn't going so well. But any night that I get my job done properly, make my patients comfortable and perform all my tasks, give out all my medications, document everything and make notes on patients conditions is a good day for me.

But sometimes you can do all that and cry on the drive home. I find myself crying a lot these days. Every Nurse and Nursing Book will tell you to run to the bathroom if your emotions can't be controlled. That you have to be strong in order to do your job. That it IS a job, and nothing else, to leave it at the door so to speak. Sometimes I think the people that wrote those things are either complete idiots are geniuses. Depends on the day.

Last night was like any other. Doing my job. Making sure every patient has everything before they fall asleep. But last night one of my favorite people seemed off. No could feel it. I could FEEL "it". What am I referring to? Fear. I felt she was afraid. In this job patients have been through so much, not only in their lives up until they got sick but days of laying in bed, fearing and going thru painful treatments. I am a veteran and planned to use my vacation to go to the DAPL to stand with other veterans and was happy when I saw the President stopped the pipeline from continuing and watching the Police retreat. Among other things I am also aware of many things in this country that worry me. Things about our country, our livelihoods, our children and their future, and for me my job, MY patients.

I continued to finish my med-pass and went back to the room where I felt my patients fear. I walked over and kneeled down and held her hand. She couldn't speak. This is a woman who can't stop speaking but in half an hour she went from saying she felt anxious to all out crippling fear. And I know what of she fears, that which knocks on all our doors on one day in our vast lifetimes... the fear of dying. I made sure her family was called but they didn't come before I left the room. I expressed they needed to come here and felt they didn't take me seriously. What at 10pm could not wait until the next morning right?

I held her hand as she looked at me, the real me, not the Nurse who was on duty. She said "[my real name] you are a good person and I said 'that's your fault, you bring that out of me'". She laughed a little and I stroked her head like I do with my son when he is falling asleep. She leaned back on her mattress as if to sleep and her grip became tight and then weak. Her eyes looked straight ahead at the ceiling and gently blinked, but I knew she wasn't falling asleep. I knew what was coming. I began to cry, biting my lip to try to hold it in. It worked before. It has to work now. My hand on her head the other in her hand as I said out loud "it's ok...don't be afraid...its ok."

I felt her body as it was vacated. Her head was still warm, her hand still frail and in mine and again I said "it's going to be ok, don't be afraid" except this time I was telling it to myself. I closed her eyes and pulled her blanket up. I tried to stand but I must have been kneeling for a long time bc it wa really hard to feel my feet. I stumbled to the window and opened it a crack. That what we are supposed to do, to let her soul leave and continue on. I couldn't stop crying. Years of nursing, years of dying and death but this one I could not control. I could not control myself. I could not control anything. The feeling of utter powerlessness overwhelmed me and I went between "she is in a better place now or why didn't she just stay alive one more day?"

I ran to the bathroom head turned away from the other staff as they chatted about some bullshit I couldn't even hear. That is just what they do this time of night. I splashed cold water in my face over and over until I looked up and man, my eyes were puffy. What else was there to do? Tell the staff, some of them cried too. We got her body prepared for transport and carried on with our shift. The next crew came in and we told them and Indont remember what happened at that point. I got my stuff and walked and punched out, got in my car and started to drive home. Turned on the radio. Ten minutes later I was pulling into my space. I walked into my house and locked the door behind me. Went into the kids room and rubbed their sleeping heads before kissing them both on their foreheads and leaving. Walked to my room. Changed then crawled into bed. My wife woke up and said how was work. I said "it was work." And it was.

That's what being a Nurse is like. This is normal. So next time you see a nurse who is in a bad mood remember what they could be upset about. Yeah she might just be a bitch, but he might have just left a shift when one of HIS patients passed away. Remind yourself that you don't know what that feels like because you don't unless you do. Remind yourself of this small post. One day you might be a Nurse or in that bed. You might visit a family member in a facility like mine. Don't get mad if you see the nurses running around and not able to answer you right this second. What I am trying to say is many people want to be Nurses and have no idea what they are going into. I was a Marine, am a Marine, and it's the same feeling when you hear one of your friends got blown apart. They become a part of you, of your life story, just as I was part of my patients life story as it ended the final chapter. I know this is my life and I will take it. I just needed to post this. Because no one is home and I am crying alone.