Dread!

Dread,

On a physical level it felt like a wave rising up from the pit of my stomach to my chest, followed by a crushing sensation, where I thought I wouldn’t be able to catch a breath.

What caused this dread to come up within me?

It was during my working day, where I had done something incorrectly and my boss was frustrated with me, and approached me. Now the interesting thing is on one level I created this because I knew that I had missed a step in the process but was unsure of what it was exactly and I just went ahead and did it anyway, in a form of laziness to some degree, but in fear for the most part of them thinking I am not capable and asking for help again, so I see how she was justified in her frustration and I saw how I set this up for myself.

But why the dread if I knew that I missed a point and didn’t pay attention properly?

Because there has to be change, I have to start to trust myself more and speak up if I am unsure about something instead of just blinding attempting something and getting it wrong. I had to feel the physical consequence of the dread to remind me of the point, to allow me to change it. There needs to be a cross reference.

I see/realise and understand how I cut corners in that moment, so I have to learn to slow down, pay attention and stop being so afraid of how I will be perceived.

There is also the point here of me not taking all of the blame, as my training has been swift and not sufficient, but I see/realise and understand how me taking responsibility for myself is to walk the correction, so that if another occasion comes up of where I don’t know fully what I am doing, I take a breath and ask. I remind myself of this event and use it as my yard stick to change.

It the next post I will walk the self forgiveness: