Dear diary

I fought a bullet this morning. The raw negative forces of the universe filling my being. Im learning.

The pain was so unbearable, i was shouting not good words, crying, wanting to die and my poor wife was trying to get her last shut eye before work.

I kissed my son and couldnt speak a word to my wife when she left. I sat quietly in pain staring at a wall for hours.

The newish pain ive been getting is in my mid to lower back and i believe its coming from my stomach.

I barely eat anymore, as i throw it up in the mornings. Food hasnt tasted good or been desired for about 6 months now.

Again i am getting major relief in my neck head etc from small amounts of xanax. But i guess theres alot wrong with me.

I think about death alot. I felt free-er to die before my son. I want to be there for him and i can barely be around him now for to long cuz my pain. He begs to hang out w me.

Ive seen these ruts before, these stuck feelings. I have always overcome somehow. But i never knew pain like this existed.

Old pic of me when i was a chitlen, i found last night.