The legend of God

This one came to me as a rumour whispered around by the ghosts where I live in my big mansion that has many ghosts and other things that go bump in he night...

The legend goes that God died of old age and so with his long white hair, flowing robes and arthritis he went up to Heaven, which was a very busy place and he banged on the pearly gates to be let in. Saint Peter answered and said:
“What do you want?”
“I want to come in,” said God.
“Why,” said Saint Peter.
“Because I’m god,” said God.

Saint Peter had to think about this for a bit and then he said:
“Hang on and I’ll go have a look at the rules to see what they say about this kind of situation.” And with that said he went off to look at the rule book and left God kicking his heels.
When Saint Peter came back he said:
“There’s nothing in the rule book about letting you in,” said Saint Peter from behind the gates.
“But I’m god and if you don’t let me in I’ll roast you,” said God becoming annoyed.
“You’ve just failed the test,” said Saint Peter. “Only him down below roasts people so you can’t be God.”

They both had to think about this for a bit and after a long spell of silence Saint Peter said:
“Are you still there?”
“Of course I’m still here,” said God, “where else would I be?”
“I thought you might have gone for a coffee,” said Saint Peter still behind the pearly gates.
“Let me in,” demanded God in his most stern voice.
“No,” said Saint Peter.
“Why ever not?” asked God trying to decide if he should plead.
“This is too peculiar and is not a decision I can make on my own. I’ll have to go higher up,” said Saint Peter beginning to wonder if he was making a mistake.
“But there’s no one higher up than you but me,” said God perplexed.
“But how do I know you’re God, you might be him from down below in disguise,” said Saint Peter.
“But it’s really me,” said God tiredly.
“Then where’s your key to get in?” said Saint Peter brightly, thinking he had the answer.
“I left it down on Earth with the rest of my stuff,” said God.

“Sorry, but you’re going to have to prove you’re God,” said Saint Peter determined not to let in the strange old man.
“But that would be breaking my own rules,” said God.
“Well until or unless you do I can’t let you in,” said Saint Peter walking off and leaving the old man to rattle the gates in vain.
After a while, God calmed down and knew he wasn’t getting into Heaven, at least not right then, so he went off to find somewhere to think what he was going to do about this absurd situation he was in.
God was feeling a little bit desperate and a little bit down being so alone with no one to talk to about it all so he went for a walk and found himself at the tomb of Hell so he said: “what the hell?” and rang the doorbell.
Old Nick himself came to the door and opened it and looked at God who was feeling sorry for himself.
“We’re closed,” said Old Nick.

“Well I don’t think I want to come in anyway,” said God and turned away to go off by himself.
“So you’ve become a doorbell ringer now then have you?” said old Nick to God’s departing back and shut the door and went back to his coffee. “What a cheek,” he said to himself.
God walked around for a bit and found a sandwich in the dust and so sat down to eat it. It was a baloney and rye and was very good too if a bit gritty, “but beggars can’t be choosers,” he said to himself and no one else.
“Hoy!” came a voice from out of nowhere. “That’s mine.” And in marched Mandy Marbles furious that somebody was eating her sandwich.
“What now?” thought God looking a little guilty as he swallowed the last bite of the sandwich.
Mandy Marbles marched right up to God and confronted him as he sat there in the dust feeling sorry for himself again, but Mandy Marbles saw this and decided that maybe the old man needed the sandwich more than she did and so relented her anger and asked:
“Who are you?”

“I’m god,” said God perking up a little now that the strange woman was not showing anger.
“Pleased to meet you, I’m Mandy Marbles,” said Mandy Marbles holding out her hand for God to shake it which he did most vigorously.
“What are you doing here in this forsaken place?” asked God.
“I’ve just escaped from prison and I’m hiding out,” said Mandy Marbles sitting down beside God in the dust.
“And what are you doing here?” asked Mandy Marbles.
“They won’t let me into Heaven and Hell is closed,” said God.
“Schweinhunds,” exclaimed Mandy Marbles and gave God a friendly tap on his shin.
“Cheer up, it could be worse,” she said.
“I don’t see how,” said God picking his teeth with a blade of grass.
“Well you could be alone with no one to talk to,” she said.
“I suppose so,” said God.
“So what do we do now?” asked Mandy Marbles.
“I have no idea,” replied god.

“Let’s have a day on the beach then and maybe something will come to us later,” she said getting to her feet and holding out her hand to God to help him up.

God took her hand and clambered to his feet and hand in hand they set off for the beach and as they proceeded along the dusty way that turned to grass and then to sand God lost his old age and became young again and before they both knew it they were in love and so got married and had two children and named them Adam and Eve and they all lived happily ever after.
This scroll was found rusting on the sands of a desert and is believed to be the original word of God and has been sent to the Pope for authentication by a hand-writing expert; but was later found in a very dry place by a dusty old warrior doing his 40 days.

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