Being Nice Versus Being Kind When Dating

There is this common dilemma.

At one level, a man learns to be "nice" to women, but as he matures, he realizes that it doesn't work very well at all. Women don't seem to want "nice guys", and sometimes they even appear to prefer to be with complete a-holes.

This can be a pretty heartbreaking place to be in, where one actually wonders if women have any self-respect whatsoever.

To resolve the "nice guy versus jerks" dilemma can be a very difficult thing, especially since there is usually a lot of pride involved in "succeeding with women" at this level.

We then come to learn that when a woman chooses to date jerks, it's due to her own low self-esteem, validation issues, pride, etc., and we then begin to understand that women who choose to be with jerks are not worth our time and energy, in that they aren't ready for love at that point.

At this level, compassion begins to set in as we can begin to see how people are really just choosing their own victimhood due to ignorance and fear. What the world calls "love" is really just romanticism, pride, desire, neediness, and childish emotionalities.

The decision, then, is to choose Love with a capitol "L" for ourselves, at the exclusion of all other tempting options. This is the kind of Love that is unconditional, and is just a way of being with woman-and-world, rather than something one uses as a way of gaining anything from others (e.g. validation, sex, attention, greed).

With spiritual intention and dedication, one becomes increasingly peaceful, forgiving, benign, and compassionate with one's self and others and soon finds that any deviation away from pure unconditional love (e.g., anger, self-pity, guilt, justified resentments) is experienced as being so subjectively painful that Love then becomes progressively perfected as a way of life, "no matter what."

At this level, all of the old questions such as, "Should I be nice to women, or should I act like a jerk?" and "Do I need to use this attraction technique?" and "If I becometruly loving, will I end up all alone?" begin to seem childish and even funny.

Right now, you have this common fear that might be summed up as, "If I embody my true loving nature, will women still be attracted to me?"

Well, it depends on the girl.

Some women are actually repulsed by Love, and they view it as weakness, fragility, naivety, stupidity, and boring.

Yet in my own experience, I have found that the majority of women are immediately and instantly attracted to the energy field of unconditional love.

BUT...

That probably shouldn't be the reason for wanting to 'achieve' the state itself. In fact, the very desire to be loving for the purposes of selfish gain (control, sex, validation, etc.) seems to be the very block to it's fulfillment.

To recap, at one level a guy is "nice", then he becomes something of an opposite to nice (e.g. "cool", "cocky"), and eventually that leads him into being kind, for the enjoyment of being kind. And this is when true happiness settles in and neediness is transcended forever. One is no longer imprisoned by the emotional ups and downs ofso-called dating "success" or "failure."

(There is a let-go that occurs, where one sees that if a woman doesn't want someone kind in her life, it's her loss, and not his loss.)

This seems like a simple transition, but the human ego often puts up a lot of resistance to embodying unconditional love.