It's Either Suicide or Success

I have decided to finally put my thoughts out there for the world to see. In the past 10 years I have suffered from severe Anxiety and Depression. I went through job loss, divorce, near homelessness, loneliness, social anxiety, withdraw from society...

I am a soldier in the Army National Guard and I am coming up on 17 years in November. I have been stuck in a rut where I can't get out of. I have tried to fill this empty void by chasing alternative jobs and relationships with women to see if it could change me, but I finally got the answer this past week.

There was a woman I met on an online dating site and we hit it off pretty well. We met up for drinks, went to a yoga class and had dinner together. I really liked having conversations with her because the only other human interactions I have are with my 6 year old son every other weekend.

Well, this relationship only lasted a week. I had to go to a training event with the Army. Even though I left for a week, we made it a point to converse over the telephone every night. It was still nice to have someone to talk to.

About Day 6, I got a text message stating that she thinks we are incompatible... and I was kind of shocked because things were so well the past few days.

I let it go... I was preparing to leave for a deployment this month and I would be gone for a year. No use in trying to save something that wasnt going to work.

My anxiety and depression grew over the past few weeks. Not just because of the girl, but a combination of other factors... Leaving home, my child, my job, the demands and uprooting of my life for a year....

One night, I had a break-down and texted a friend who lived in New York City, and told her that I wouldn't mind burning my wallet, money, identification cards and walking away from everything. She called the police department and they showed up at my house to make sure I wasnt going to do something permanent to myself.

I wanted to give up. I wanted to quit...

The police called my parents and they came to pick me up at my house. I stayed with them that night. And the next day, I made an appointment to see a therapist to start fixing myself.

Over the past few weeks, there were many highs and lows. But with a week left until I leave for Active Duty, I wanted to get the answer to something that was bothering me...

I texted the girl I met online, and in a polite way, I asked her if she could explain what it was that caused her to think we were incompatible.

She didnt respond immediately... I was just going to let it go.

But a few hours later, I recieved a text reply.

"You are a sweet man, but I could tell that you have something bothering you. And you need to work on making yourself happy. I am not the one that's going to make you happy... and no woman will. The only person who is going to do that is yourself. I want you to be safe over there, and I want you to work on becoming the best you can be. And I promise you that there is someone out there who will love you for that. But you have to love yourself first."

The answer was pretty clear, and I just never saw it. I always blamed Anxiety and Depression on things happening around me, but without even saying a word, this stranger I met could see it all.

I thanked her, and wished her good luck. I reflect on it tonight as I write this.

I could give up or I can take the next year and make myself a success.

I have no choice. I dont really want to die and I dont want to live life like this anymore.

More to come.