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I recently read Daring Greatly by Brené Brown and I received a lot of insight from it! I knew that guilt and shame weren't exactly the same, but I had always kind of grouped them together in my head. I considered them synonymous. 

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Guilt is defined on dictionary.com:

a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined. 

Shame is defined on dictionary.com:

 the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another.

Guilt is when we have done something wrong and we feel the weight of it; we know we did it and are conscious of our wrong actions.

Shame is when we feel a deep pain in relation to others that can be caused by guilt, but shame itself can be caused by feelings of unworthiness or a failure to connect with others. Shame is more closely related to how we feel in relation to other people. 

We are guilty of throwing the baseball through the window, but we feel shame for how it affected the person whose window we broke. 

From Daring Greatly:

 Based on my research and the research of other shame researchers, I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful – it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort. I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous. 

Guilt is more about what we feel about our actions. Shame is what we feel about ourselves. We can positively correct our actions by apologizing and making it right, but if we feel the problem is actually ourselves, then we become completely immobilized by a sense of despair and of unworthiness. 

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I have unintentionally been shaming my two year old when he does something wrong. I have been shaming myself when I don't feel good enough. I didn't realize that I was even doing it, but it is part of my daily perception. 

When I correct and guide my toddler, I don't want to shame him, I want to draw attention to his actions. I don't want to tell him that he is bad, but that what he did was bad. There is a huge difference! 

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I want to be free of guilt and shame. I want guilt to lead me to correct my actions, and then forgive myself. But I don't want to feel lingering shame about myself or inflict shame on others. 

What do you think about shame and guilt?

Blessings!