Dear Diary (Children on Board, Chapter 1)- entry#12 ...In Pursuit of Happiness

Dear Diary.

I left my old job and went back to the work I love. Money will be tight again and it's tough because Im older- I feel Im home and where I'm suppose to be.

I found this old journal writing of mine. I actually submitted this as a play on International Women's Day years ago. Not much has changed.

I’ve been asked a million times if I’m happier, now, doing what I’m doing, being where I am, with the life I have.

My answer is unequivocal, resounding, ‘Yes!” It’s not a loud ‘Yes’ or a rather panicky, unsure, slightly hysterical, ‘yes’ . It is Just a “Yes’ with no regrets, slower and surer, steadier…an unconditional yes!

I think the last time I said,” yes” and was happy about my answer was when I got married and the kadi asked me if I wanted to marry my then husband. It was a young,’ yes,’ that came with a promise that happiness would be complete as long as I stayed this course of marriage and a baby, etc. I didn’t….

My life back in my 20’s after divorce, was one of privilege, of youth and immaturity, of innocence and wonder. We were young, rich, fabulous, jetting between New York and London, flying back to KL for the obligatory family, summer vacation before running back to London, getting on the Concorde to make it in time for registration and the new university term in New York.

Newly, single, albeit ‘divorced’. I was in New York- it was about swigging Absolute from the bottle at Frederick’s, lunch at Bilbouquet, have champagne brunches at Nello’s, nip into Bergdorf for the ‘ must have’ Dolce Gabbana top of the season and the Chanel biker boots! Clubbing at Nells, Rex....after hours supper on 14th street. ‘Throw in the mix’ - school, midterms, presentations and dissertation and volunteer work at the soup kitchen and St Vincent’s on the weekends.

My friends and I were so, Sex and the City, before Sex and the City, happened! Manicure, pedicure at John Barrets, highlights, low lights.“ Manhunt” was the weekly theme for us young twenty something, privilege, single girls, having too much money for our own good, the apartment on Park Avenue, the Ivy league school Happiness, happiness, happy!

Then, the biological clock starts ticking. The overall goal to happiness is about finding my ‘soul mate’ And not being happy is, ‘ being home on a Saturday night, with your other ‘loser’ of a friend who just broke up with her serious boyfriend of 6 months! ‘ Avoid that situation at all costs! Manic, manic, manic, frenzied times!

I worked in non profit during the day and tried to finish my dissertation at night, I sat on all ‘Junior Committees’ of the right charities and foundations, I still went on 2 blind dates a week, in between jumping in and out of short term relationships, the way you do with taxis…in out, in out, in and out. Life was seemingly good and the only thing missing was still, that elusive man and the children.

Happiness came with conditions…..and much questioning. Always searching, looking…for that place and space where I could truly declare that “ Here , I am…at last! I’ve found happiness. I have it all. I am content! Happy! I don’t need anymore! Finished! . I’ll have my husband and the 2 kids, house with white picket fence….I’ll get my reward; I just have to work a little harder, that’s all! It is about the process and when it’s time, I’ll get there…happy and content. It’ll all be over soon…just get there!

Looking back, it ‘s funny what I believed was so important and the key to happiness!

The truth is life never works out the way you plan - you get married AND divorced in your twenties, your doctorate takes forever to complete; you don’t stay in New York and life is now in KL, you do have the 2 most beautiful children that you’ve adopted and are raising by yourself, after you’re divorced and single ; your family had moved to somewhere close to Damansara when you were a child and you are now living, as an adult, with your 2 kids, in your family home, with your mother, in the same room that you grew up with as a child!

The only shopping I do nowdays, is grocery shopping and Oh…and the only Chanel you have are the ones from 20 years ago, when you were a size 8. You actually have to work for a living, not just for fun and the salary you have- it’s not even equivalent to the price of the sleeve of your leather bomber Chrome Hearts jacket that still sits in your closet! Life is slower, boring sometimes too. Happiness is the pleasure you have from smelling the toes of your little girl, and ‘ throw up’ is not from doing one too many tequila shots and but because your son is sick!

Life is different. Sometimes, I don’t wash my hair for days or a week because I’m so tired from work and that’s okay too. No one is going to smell me anyway, except the children, who love me, as smelly as I am! I step in puddles of mud, while following up on cases, and I stink; the fabulous shoes and clothes, from before- they don’t fit, literally.

I don’t have the energy and desire to meet deadlines about marriage and biological clocks ( they’re long gone) and being alone is okay, as long as I try and do the things that I really love anyway. I’m more sure about yourself, minus the man and the marriage and the conventional way of having amazing children…from the heart, not the mind and expectations- who knew,right?. And if that man comes, I”ll say okay, too but I don’t need the marriage and the white picket fence too , as a whole package!

Ive learnt that it’s okay to be unconventional , that happiness is not about being euphoric or is the opposite of depression…it’s about being okay, content that this time, this space, at this minute, I am where I’m suppose to be and okay- means that..okay! Not bad, not good! Being happy is about acceptance and not fighting life planned the way you have expect.