Overcoming Fear

Three days after I turned twenty-five, I rode roller coasters for the first time since I was a child.
I’ve always been afraid of heights, and an easily scared person in general. But when my best friend said that she was going to the local amusement park with some of her work friends, it got me thinking. I could continue living in fear and never experience anything. Or I could say just fuck it, and go for it. Before I could think too much about it, or talk myself out of it, I told her I wanted to come.
Truthfully, I’d spent my life in fear, of things both real and imagined. I’d long grown tired of standing on the sidelines, faithfully waiting to pick up my friends when they fell down. As much as I enjoyed taking care of my loved ones, I was sick of spectating. I wanted to live. To experience things, even if they made me uncomfortable.
I spent the days before simultaneously fearful and exhilarated, realizing that I was about to step willingly onto a ride since I was still young. The morning of the visit, we got up early; the sun hadn’t even rose yet. Bleary-eyed and wired from nervousness, I got ready for the day ahead. We went to breakfast at a local McDonald’s just outside the park.
There, we met our companions for the day: Amy who won me over immediately, with her bubbly, warm personality, Jamie, sweet and friendly from the start, and Jim, her husband, who had a thick accent, already deep into a round of Pokemon Go! On his phone while we ate. “Hey, I caught a Ponyta!”
I briefly considered ordering coffee to drink with my food, but considering I was going on a bunch of scary rides, I decided against it. I didn’t want my stomach being upset. I ate my food, panic, fear, and exhilaration coming off of me in waves. When everyone was finished, we all walked out to the car, ready to set out for the park.
When we got there, the park wasn’t even open yet; thanks to Jamie and Jim, we got first dibs on all the rides. When I’d heard that, I was simultaneously scared and thrilled. Not only were we about to go on several roller coasters, we got to go on them first!
The day started with The Valrvn. This coaster was the new one, the annual addition to the park. That was the one that everyone was most excited for. It shot you upward, then tilted you down, upside down, and back in the opposite direction. I was terrified. I was so frightened that Amy had to talk me into crossing the turnstile. “It’s okay,” She said, giving me a reassuring smile. (It made my chest hurt a little less.) “This is perfectly safe, they always test these things before they have people ride them. It’ll be okay!” I stood there for what felt like forever, trying to move my legs.
My panic only escalated because we had gotten front row seats. But somehow, I sat down and let myself get strapped into the seat, wondering if today would be my last. The ride took off, and I clutched the straps of my seat for dear life. We got to the top of the ride, and then the seats tipped forward, sending us at an angle that had me worried that I would fall out of the sky, into the lake.
My fear was at the fever pitch at this point in the ride; it felt like I was screaming unsavory words into the air. My best friend slapped my thigh, laughing, telling me to shush. (I’d forgotten, honestly, that there were people below us.) Most of the ride, really, was a blur of panic and crying; I’d been so frightened. When the ride ground to a stop at the wooden platform, we got off, and my legs were shaking so badly that I barely made it down the steps.
The Maverick was next. Having conquered my first ride and lived to tell the tale, I was feeling more confident now. I was still scared, but it wasn’t nearly as bad. It felt manageable, and I was feeling impressed with myself. I’d faced down my fear. That was what today was all about, after all.
We were strapped in, and before I’d realized what I’d done, I was gripping the straps hard. I’d been clutching them so hard, in fact, that one of my fingers came away with a tiny cut that turned into a silvery scar. It was jerky and loud, though it wasn’t as fast as the first ride. I remember the sun beating down on my head, something that would only get worse as the day went on. I don’t remember much of the actual ride, but when we got off, I needed a few minutes to sit down.
I couldn’t catch my breath, and it felt like there were thick iron bands wrapped around my chest. Try as I might, I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs. Jamie sat with me, rubbing my back while we sat next to The Gatekeeper. “It’s okay,” She said softly, “Just try to take deep breaths,” I smiled at her, grateful. “Thanks. Sorry, I’m just really freaked out.” We sat there for a little bit longer, then we moved on to The Gatekeeper.
This time, there was no hesitation at all; I just stepped up and let myself get strapped in. I was excited; this roller coaster wasn’t so bad. It was winged, and so it moved in circles. But it was smooth and slower than the other ones. “I’m a little freaked out by the height!” I yelled to my best friend, and she laughed, reaching over and squeezing my knee. With her other hand, she pointed north, toward the huge, dark gray mass that was Lake Erie. “Look at that view! Isn’t it pretty?” I followed her finger with my eyes, out toward the water. The anxiety in my chest and throat loosened somewhat, the familiar view comforting. Then, just as soon as it began, the ride was over. Amy, who’d been seated in the row in front of us, leaned over to peer at us. “What did you think?” She asked, and my only answer was a whoop that came out squeaky and shrill. I was rewarded with the sound of her laugh.
I couldn’t get my straps figured out, so Ashley leaned over, reaching to undo them. The employee smacked her hand away and undid my straps. “Don’t fucking touch me!” She said quietly as I worked to bring my feet back to the ground. I cringed. “She touched you?” “Yeah! What the hell,” She said, as we reunited on the platform. We took a break to eat our lunch in the parking lot. I’d chosen a pop and some pinwheels, with some chips on the side. I was grateful for the small reprieve from the scares, and I felt better almost immediately. I could do this. I could do this and survive, couldn’t I? And enjoy myself along the way?
The next ride was the Max Air. That ride was one of the worst, as I’m terrified of heights. This ride wasn’t a rollercoaster; it was more like a giant, circular swing that could hold several large groups of people at once. We were strapped in to one of the rows, and I closed my eyes as the ride began to spin, sending my stomach lurching as it rocked back and forth. “Don’t close your eyes!” My best friend shouted. “I’m scared, and I feel like I’m gonna be sick—“ “You’re going to be if you don’t open your eyes!” She slapped my knee urgently, and my eyes snapped open.
The world spun in a dizzying, sickening blur of color that I couldn’t identify. “Don’t throw up!” A flash of bright white teeth dazzled my vision, and the tightness in my chest eased somewhat. Just as suddenly as it began, the ride ground to a halt, and I was back on solid ground again. Jim was laughing as we departed from the ride. “Someone was so scared, they pissed themselves!” I raised my eyebrows at him, wondering why on earth someone was so gleeful from someone else’s fear. But I said nothing, and we moved on, this time to the Skyhawk.
This ride was similar to the Max Air, but this time, we weren’t seated together in clusters. We waited in line for a little bit, and in those few moments, I debated begging off. But, I thought to myself, I’d made it this far, and lived.
Why not go for it all? That was the whole point of this day, anyway. Facing my fear, even if it meant leaving the ground and being afraid.
By the time we got to the line for the ride, there was already a small crowd of people waiting outside of the gate. A group of teenagers were jostling one another for places closer to the turnstile. One of the kids turned tail right before the ride started, begging off before he could actually get on. “I can’t do it,” He told one of his friends, shaking his head and backing away, both hands up. Amy, who’d been observing in front of us, smiled dryly. “At least he admitted he was scared.” I nodded.
I’d forgotten, in my haste to get to the restaurant that morning, to put on sunscreen. It was eighty-eight degrees, though it felt more like the high nineties. It wasn’t immediate, but the effects of the sun on my olive skin had rendered it an angry red color; I looked like a freshly cooked lobster by the time the sun had begun to set. It was dry and tight and was already starting to peel. My feet hurt from walking from almost seven o’clock that morning, and they were starting to go numb, but I wasn’t finished yet. I was getting there, but when I first noticed it, the sunburn didn’t bother me. I barely felt it; I was having a good time and I was determined to keep it that way, sunburn or no.
We’d tried to go on the Rougaroux, but the line was endless, and we’d stood in it for almost an hour and a half. We all had every intention of riding, but when someone passed out from the intense, baking heat, we’d decided to move on to a different ride. The Dragster was closed due to repairs, and the wait for the Raptor was over an hour and a half long, so we decided to skip it, despite its status as a classic coaster. After the Skyhawk, we all headed to a fry stand so Amy could get the fries she always got whenever she came to the theme park. “Parmesan fries!” She said happily, beaming from ear to ear. My mouth watered at the succulent scent of potatoes frying, and if I’d had any money at the time, I would’ve joined her in ordering something. But it was my best friend who’d paid my way into the park in the first place, so I was just content to stand there with her and my new friends.
I had to use the restroom. I told everyone I was going, but I don’t think my best friend heard me. If she had, she wouldn’t have let me go by myself. One of the first things my friends and family will tell you is that I have absolutely no sense of direction. Seriously, my husband says that I could get lost in a paper bag and not find my way out. (And the sad thing is, it’s true! No exaggeration.) I headed to where I thought the bathrooms were, and somewhere along the way, I got really lost. So lost that I ended up going in a completely different direction.
I walked around for what seemed like forever, even asking for directions from four different people along the way. A tall man was the last one to do so, squinting against the bright glare of the sun. Jim yelled at the top of his lungs, “Hey! What are you doing?”. He’d shouted so loudly that I’d almost jumped out of my skin. “Sorry,” I called back, feeling my cheeks warm with embarrassment. “I got lost!” “I told them not to let you go to the bathroom by yourself!” Ashley said, from her spot under the umbrella. “Sorry!” I said again, and she shook her head, grinning. “What are we going to do with you, child?” “I don’t know!” I laughed.
I’d bought Amy a plastic mason jar of blackberry moonshine, and she sipped at it eagerly while she ate her cheese fries, slurping happily. “Is it good?” I asked her, and she grinned at me around her black plastic straw, nodding, bright blue eyes seeming to sparkle with good humor and sunshine. We waited until everyone was finished with their food, and then we moved on to the water rides: Thunder Canyon and Snake River Falls.
It was soothing, the cold, clear water seeming to break the sheer, shimmering sheet of humidity that hung over the park. Thunder Canyon was a less intense water ride. You got into a floating, revolving boat that seated five to a boat, and they sent you down the river, the boat spinning in circles so that whoever was unfortunate enough to be under the falls got soaked in sweet-smelling water. But it was so hot that I was grateful to be under the falls. I spluttered from the cold water, making everyone laugh, and soon my glasses were so fogged that I could barely see in front of me. “It feels so good! It’s so hot!” I laughed, raising my arms above my head to touch the falling water. It was so bright in places that my eyes got dazzled with sunlight, and soon I was seeing rainbow-colored spots, dancing behind my eyelids.
Next we went on Snake River Falls, after riding Thunder Canyon three more times. (I’d almost fallen each of those times, because the rickety wooden platform moved in a circle. It caught me off guard and Ashley had to catch my arm to prevent me from face-planting, right in front of the person that was next in line.
Snake River Falls was a tiny coaster, a baby by the standards of most people. But I hadn’t been on it since I was young, and I was eager for another opportunity to face my fear. The line for this ride wasn’t that long, but even under the thin foam of my old flip flops, the heat seemed to sear the soles of my feet. We all sat down in the old vinyl seat, stuffed like sardines in a can under the heavy metal lapbar. I was freaked out, but excited all at once, my entire body tingling with it. I didn’t even care that the cheap, damp vinyl was sticky and smelled of sweat.
The ride started with a startling grinding sound, and suddenly, we were charging forward, and before I realized what was happening, a breathless laugh escaped my throat. There was a small bump that hurt my ass before it met the seat again. Then we blasted through a sheet of water at the end; the only part that people really care about with this coaster. It sent up plumes of flying, sparkling water at the crowd, and I laughed, soaked to the skin. I didn’t regret my decision to do this; it was the best choice I’d made in a long time.
By the time we got off of the ride and back onto the steaming sidewalk, I was almost entirely dry; that was how hot it was. We got our purses and shoes and headed off to sit down for a little bit; it was getting close to evening, and the sun was beginning to set. I had a good time, but I was growing tired, and the sunburn was really starting to hurt. By now, my entire body looked as if it’d been dunked into a vat of boiling water.
The last roller coaster we went on was the seventh for the day, The Millennium Force. We were waiting in line when Amy leaned forward, peering over at my red, puckered skin with concern. “Oooh, you’re gonna have some serious tan lines,” She said, frowning at it; already my bra straps had cut through the sunburn, showing stark olive skin underneath. I thought we’d have to wait for a while, but we found a Fast Pass on the ground. (What’s the luck of that happening on the first day you’ve been to Cedar Point for the first time in years?)
A Fast Pass allows you access to another shorter, quicker line to the ride. Fear came again, rearing its ugly head, alarms screaming in my head to stop, to turn back. But by the time it even occurred to me to turn back, we were at the front of the line. It was too late to turn back now, and besides, it couldn’t be worse than the Valrvn. The seat looked like a little navy go-kart with just a lapbar keeping us from falling out.
We were strapped in, and we began the slow, terrifying ascent to the top of the ride. “This isn’t so bad. It’s not as bad as the Valrvn,” I said, laughing. Ashley grinned at me, the clicking an ominous soundtrack to our conversation. “I don’t know, I’d almost say that this is worse than that one!” I stared out at the massive gray sheet that was Lake Erie, feeling my heart make an unexpected ascent into my throat. It felt like you could see the entire park from the top of the coaster. The view was beautiful, unforgettable, with the coasters cutting into the bright, clear blue sky. The sun was beginning to set, making the lake look like an opaque sheet below us. For a moment, just a second, we hovered at the top, the moment stretched like taffy, suspended, and I wondered if I would survive this—
Then we were shot downward and upside down, and I didn’t dare let go of the bars in front of me, even though I knew logically that there was no way that I would fall out; I’d been strapped in, and a lapbar was across my lap. But that didn’t stop my body from reacting, from the scream that was building in my throat. I opened my mouth and let it out, but this time, it was a happy laugh. The sound was foreign, not like myself at all. But I was beyond caring; when I got past my fear, this was so much fun!
I looked around at my friends. Jamie and Jim were laughing, Amy was giggling, and Ashley—I gasped. She was unconscious, her limp body moving with the ride. “Ashley passed out!” Jamie’s voice, high with laughter and exhilaration, squeaked. For a moment, I turned to stare at Ashley, realizing that for the first time, I was witnessing her pass out on The Millennium Force. It felt almost like an out-of-body experience. By this time, the ride had come to a stop, and we got off. My legs were shaking, but it wasn’t anything like the Valrvn.
We walked off of the ride and came to rest at a table below the Valrvn. My body was aching, both from the sunburn and my mounting exhaustion. “Hey, wanna use our Fast Pass and go on the Valrvn again?” Jim asked, pointing up to the ride. Everyone else jumped at the chance; after all, this was the new ride, and I could hardly blame them. “One last chance!” Ashley sang at me, raising her eyebrows up and down rapidly, making me laugh. “I think I’m gonna sit this one out, actually.” I said, smiling apologetically. “I’m tired,” Ashley nodded. “We’ll be back when we’re done.” I nodded, sitting down at the table, watching them walk away.
While I stayed on the ground, it was amusing enough just sitting below the ride; I was treated to all sorts of reactions to the coaster, the most notable of which being some poor man yelling, “What the fuck?!” at the top of his lungs. I giggled to myself at his words, trying not to think about the burning, painful rash that seemed to cover my whole body. The only parts of my body that escaped the sun’s cruel rays had been the parts that had been covered. The rest of my body didn’t fare too well.
When the group got back from the Valrvn, they were bitter with disappointment, almost seething with it. And I couldn’t blame them; it was their second time on the coaster, and all of them had been shunted to a backseat. “That was so lame!” Jim groused, shaking his head. “We were at the back of all of it, all we saw was the back of other people’s heads!” “That does sound lame,” I agreed reluctantly. “The first time was better, for sure,” Ashley said, wrinkling her nose. “I’m kind of glad that I didn’t join you guys, then.” I admitted, standing up from the table. We were walking back to the entrance, and by this point in the day, I was ready to call it. I was tired and aching and my skin was dehydrated, stretched like I was wearing a skinsuit over my clothes. I was ready to go home, but it turned out that Amy needed a ride to her apartment, in the next town over. I didn’t mind; even though I’d spent just the day with her, I’d warmed to her immediately. It didn’t hurt, either, that she had been one of the people to help me face my fear.
We talked on the ride over, though I can’t remember exactly what now. I just remember laughing, a lot, while Amy talked about her current boyfriend. We dropped her off at home. “It was so nice meeting you, Amy!” She beamed at me, bright eyes sparkling. “It was nice meeting you as well!” “I hope I see you again soon, let’s do this again!” I said, giving her a little wave. She smiled, waving back. “Thanks for the ride! See you at work!” She said to Ashley.
We drove home, complaining about our sunburn. But even with the sunburn, which lasted for close to a month, I didn’t regret my decision. I still don’t. Every minute had been terrifying, but so much fun. “I loved it! That was so much fun!” I said to Ashley on the ride home, and she nodded, grinning. “It really was,” “I could’ve done without the sunburn, though!” I replied, and we both shared a laugh.
We spent the next three weeks nursing our sunburns; I literally could not take a hot shower for over a month. It was so painful, and hands down the worst sunburn I’d ever had. I was sun sick for weeks afterward, and despite the tan that came from it all, I’ve learned my lesson.
Next time I spend the day at an amusement park, bring sunscreen and apply regularly!