Sometimes it appears like I might have some feelings. I often try to express the feelings that it looks like I might have. Trying to make it look like I care. I fail bloody miserably lol. That I can be cold, distant and disregarding of things so easy. Seems to shine through in all of my actions. I guess my little candle is shining without me even knowing. Burning through that canvass of illusion I wrap myself in to portray caring.

Well I just finished a new coating on the canvass and a whole new visual on it so let's try this again.

Let's start with sad. Sad sometimes comes from positive feelings of caring and stuff like that. There can also be levels to sadness. In the sadness sometimes there is other things too. These are some of the fundamental things that make us who we are, the truth within us maybe.

To someone.
I only write this here now so I can show you that I hear and understand the words you say.

I also have a loss myself. Though the loss I have is pushed forward by myself. I will suffer for it too. Taking down that canvass of illusion so often costs me so much. (not finances) I will do it though because someone else needs me t do it. They will benefit long term for it. At least I hope so and it shows them the direction they are going is not a good one. This is only one instance here. Anticipation of this feeling is were I am now. Inviting feelings I will not like. Sometimes people do not need to know the things you try to do for them.

I do now man of you would handle this same thing in a different manner to the way I do. In this particular situation, I will say with total confidence. I know more about this than you. This post is not about how I handle something though, or this issue to be precise. This post is about feelings.

The sadness that the next few week month or years will take. Self inflicted I do not need sympathy. I can feel already that boring tool. Digging into my chest. The weird thing about this is, it feels like it is boring from the inside and going deeper. How can it keeping going deeper when it is already there.

The future empty gut I will feel that somehow drains the whole body. A swirling black hole inside taring my universe apart. The gut wrenching pain that a pill won't provide relief for. The bigger that hole inside is the more you cared and had bonded with the other.

Although it does not feel good. It is a good thing. That feeling let's you know the depth of the impact you shared with each other. If you did not feel that emptiness after something from your life has left. There would be something wrong with that.

I am right in saying paracetamol will not help any. There are things you can do though to relieve some of that void hollow feeling.

Remembering. Remember why you like them. Remember the times you got into mischief together. The first time you met. The walks. The talks. The just hanging out, listen to music going to see a show. Remember those times. Drift off and re-live them.

Maybe just a part of them lives on within you.The influences they had on your life or the things they stopped you doing maybe. Each time you feel that pain of emptiness. When you miss what used to be there. It's a time to remember them. Remember them the times they were at there best with you. I think those are the times they would like you to remember.

Well. These are just the words of a cold hearted miserable old bastard that hides behind a canvass of nice.