Where I am currently.

The full moon was out and I spent almost an hour gravitating towards it's magnificent capture of a sky that has been rather dark for a few weeks. It was like a cleanser of the heaviness the rains left behind. There was something about the way the resurfaced blueness was reflecting the glow from the brightness she was illuminating. She owned the night.

As I stood there getting consumed by the moon and her healing glow, my mind somehow leaned into the sounds of the night. The moving traffic buzzing in the background, the cloaking frogs in a distance and a rather busy shopping centre below my two storey apartments soothed something within. I had missed being there like that.

The where I am currently

While I was standing there, the moon shone on my conflicted soul too. My incapacity to digest the how fast I want to move past the recent dark cloud. I usually hang on to pain like some well done trophy from the darker experiences and I just can't believe that I am willing to let go of this one that fast.

My thinking is, 2019 has been a learning experience for me. It has been rigged with great opportunities and amazing encounters. It has been a time that I have been quite honest with myself for the first time in a prolonged while. I have even somehow grown as a writer. I have made some amazing friends here this year. Some who have moved in to my heart and they won't budge.

The universe has gifted me the opportunity to mend my family while mending others with yester circumstances. It is what life is, right? The giving what you want for yourself to the universe so that the good tides will come back for you.

The lessons.

That said, I don't see the need of getting caught up in digging up the what didn't work. And the recent dark cloud has powers to force me into that draining cycle. It has the potential of making me question the hardwork and determination that I have proved to have and I just won't have it.

I have wanted to be angry about it. To retain whatever negativity it fueled deep down. To hold on to the insecurities my OCD has been resurrecting over the last few days but I just can't. For some unknown reason my already angry self can't stomach more dissappointments long enough.

Walking away.

Back to the house I went. Ready to deal with the coming year. Reinvesting what I have lost but wisely this time round. I won't dwell on the mechanisms of my sour fate but those that seem to produce. I am tired of carrying around the pain it caused.

Twenty twenty is all about more writing if you asked me. I want to make a living out of it as ridiculous as that sounds. I want more financial liberalisation. I want to be a professional freelancer. This will enable me to stay in school and balance out motherhood while meeting the responsibilities that come with the term.

It won't be easy. I know. I have to work on self doubts in the process. It feeds whatever holds me back and time to be holding back is running out. That is currently where I am at.

Mohammed_Hassan/Pixabay.

Where do you lie? How are you doing yourself?

Cross Published.

BQ.