Looking For Light #Reflections

I have a confession before I even ask how you are doing... whatever this piece will be about is me trying to counter some very sad and distressing thoughts making rounds inside my head since yesterday.

My favourite girl is stuck like glue inside my head. And I generally shouldn't mind but it's her death that is replaying itself in a slow painful way. To counter that, imma revisit the grand side of my childhood.

My mama was everything. She was dark like coal but in an African shiny shade dripping down her perfect curves. My other two sisters bear those genes, thankfully. She had my loud laughter and damn was that woman clean!

We usually lived in a rented two rooms everywhere we moved to (we moved around a lot because her looking for casual work) but wherever it was and regardless of whether there was water or not, our house was kept sparkless clean.

My mama was hella loving. She was more open minded than traditions plus taboos would allow.

She was the favourite aunty to my cousins. BUT. Also the only one who had mastered the balance between love and discipline the most among her siblings. Neither of us messed with her as much as we knew she loved us. Me above all.

Being her eldest came with some weight. I didn't want to fail her. But I did. Often than I want to admit. But she still forgave me. After that she'd ask me the same question, 'Do you understand that you made me a mother?' And it would be followed by a few other familiar sentiments.

'Do you understand what that makes you to me?
You are the reason I can no longer be called a girl
Or just a woman
You are the reason my breasts shagged love
For the purposes of feeding you
You my dear girl are my first born son
I love you with my own life.'

My younger version mostly concentrated on the pain of the leather belt rashes settling on my behind not the words after. My mama used to whoop my defiant teen as hell. I would have probably ended in a Rehabilitation Institution if she didn't. I had a troublesome transition but it had it's reasons but that's a story for another day in the distant future.

So, to shift those sad and distressing thoughts, I am choosing to bask in my mother's powerful affirmations right now. I am choosing to be her strong but vulnerable first born son :)

By ZhangLiams from Pixabay.

Stay with me...

BQ.