Some moments change your life

I am a logical, thoughtful person...when it comes to anything outside of my family. Get me going about my kids and it's all feels, all emotion, all gut. I'm working on balance, especially now that I'm divorced (more on that later) and my ex is re-married and some other woman gets to spend time with my kids (also more on that later, duh).

This post, however, is about one of those rare moments of clarity so piercing that even as I think of it now, I remember it visually: I see myself sitting on the couch, pregnant and scared, a beam of pure, calming light shining through my crown chakra straight to my heart.

I got married young, had our first baby young, and by the time our second baby came around, I was the main income, attending grad school, and doggie-paddling through a marriage that had already seen more hurt than I care to think about. My husband was about to head to Basic Training. He finally made it into the Air Force Reserves and the plan was to go active duty eventually. Things were maybe-kinda starting to look up.

Then came the 20-week ultrasound. At first it was routine. Look there's the nose. Well, yes it's definitely a girl. Look at those little legs scrunched up. Then the tech got quiet. There was lots of clicking. Measuring. Re-measuring. I knew something wasn't "right." She printed everything out and asked us to wait while she talked to the dr. Also, not normal.
(not my baby, but you get the idea.) (google images)

We were ushered into another room where the doctor explained that my baby had three soft signs for Downs Syndrome. He expected that she would grow out of them and everything would be normal, so don't worry too much.

I took the rest of the day off work and spent hours googling each soft sign.
My husband said, "I'm not mad at you." Which was his way of saying, I don't blame you for this possibly happening to our baby. I don't think it is because of something you did.

Long after he went to bed that night, I was on the couch. Crying. Praying. I prayed and I prayed, "please make her ok. Please make her ok."

And then it hit me.

divine inspiration (google images)

She is ok, exactly how she has been made. My body doesn't make mistakes.
So then I prayed, "Please make me ok. Please make me the mommy she deserves. She is perfect exactly as she is, however she is. Please make me the perfect mommy for her."

I reminded myself every time I started to worry. She is perfect, just as she is.
20 weeks later, on my birthday, I gave birth to my Joselyn Rene. She will be 12 next week.

She does not have Downs Syndrome, but she is Autistic. She is the sun and the light, my Leo Indigo Child.