The Tranquillity of Demons
The way my life is currently set up doesn't leave too much time to actually indulge and unwind and I spend a great deal of my time working at various things. My job isn't the kind where I am able to just switch off and be in my own thoughts, it is a constant negotiation, a continual pushing of the mind. I love it but sometimes, it is nice to have some space to not think too much and for me, that is a post such as this.
They are kind of like meditations of a sort where I can where I can let the mind wander and observe where it goes without having a focus, an endpoint to get to or any kind of lesson to learn. It is about as self-indulgent as my life gets at the moment and, I enjoy these times immensely. I find a rambling mind finds threads a dedicated thought cannot. There is value in them, at least for me.
I was reading a post by @paulag about self voting and it reminded me of my actions at the same time. SBD was up very high, I had just got my paid delegation and I was getting voted upon well. All the stars aligned and I was set up to grow massively yet, I didn't. I reduced my posts because I didn't want to be greedy and I supported a lot. I grew but, I definitely didn't take advantage of it, not even close.
Thinking back, I likely made a mistake. Sure, I helped people and improved some lives in various ways but I could be in a significantly better position now and would be able to help much more than I currently can. Perhaps, I would be able to mitigate some of the various issues on the platform a little more heavily or, concentrate on building a few deserving people. I think many others took full advantage, and they continue on now unabated, still not ready to give much back.
I find it a strange personal position as I really want to help but when presented with an opportunity to get into a position to help more, I failed to build at the right time. This isn't the first time in my life that I have acted something like this but, I am hoping I will get over it in some way at some point. I used to think it is noble, some kind of martyr syndrome or something but, it is not. It is fear of judgement by the group, fear of receiving more than others, fear of not living up to expectations.
The strange thing with it is that no matter my value, I trust myself to act within my moral guidelines and even though they have shifted over time, if anything, my position now is to be more community orientated, not less. They say power corrupts but I don't think that is the case at all. Desire corrupts. Especially hidden desires.
I don't desire power or control over anything other than myself so whether my account is dust or worth 10 million, not much is going to change other than the volume and effect my actions will have. If my account was worth 10 million, I would be more a member of the community than I am now as I would have no pressure to worry about my self. Then it could all be giving and what I get back, would be a symptom of what I give. This is curation returns, a symptom of giving and the best is on content that actually deserves it.
I have talked about it before, I am scared of failure and, scared of success and it freezes me in the average. But, seeing this frustrates me also as I see others doing much less with much more and I know I could do better given the opportunity. But, I had the opportunity and didn't take it out of fear. Lots of strange internal conflicts to deal with in time. The human is a simple creature filled with complexities.
Many people have addictive personalities, minds of collectors and they are often the ones that strive for a little bit more, one more dollar, one more accomplishment, one more of whatever their focus is on. In this, I am not interested although I understand it is necessary at times. My collection process is different, I would like a little more peace, a little more flourishing, a little more well-being for people. I am learning that to have that, I am going to need a little more influence, a little more stake and, a few more resources. Otherwise, the collectors will collect until there is nothing left and, there is no point where they start giving any back unless by force.
One measure of intelligence is how well we adapt to our changing environment. In my view, one measure of success is how well we use what we have at our disposal, our resources. I don't think that I have been using mine as well as I could but I am hoping that I can improve that. I am looking to balance personal growth and service to the community so that I can increase both to a point where I can reduce the personal growth, at least on the financial side.
We all face various struggles, we all have our demons but, facing them is the only way to grow as no matter how often and fast we run, eventually, they will catch us. In these little rambles of mine I get to face some of my demons and ask them questions. Often I find they are not demons at all, I just misunderstood their intentions and judged them poorly.
Knowing their mind is to know my own and in this, there is peace.
Taraz
[ a Steemit original ]
Maybe you overthink things...such thoughts don't really serve a purpose, frustration, anger, comparing yourself with others - what's that going to do for you?
It is the 'don't think of an elephant' problem as the actions and consequences keep appearing. Better to sort them out before the costs become unpayable.
A little analysis of yourself never hurts. It at least gives you the opportunity to take corrective action if you find a flaw in your thinking. That's not the same as making yourself feel bad with comparisons to others. So if you truly fear success, figure out why. It might be that you're afraid of becoming even more busy. How can that be mitigated? Learn to ask yourself the right questions.
Well no, it's okay to be introspective and watch yourself, but too much is bad for you and comparison usually leads to feelings, either of superiority or inferiority, neither good.
I've always thought (seeing it in myself and oothers around me) that fear of success is truly fear of failure, in disguise. We do things that prevent our success because that would be an "ending" of sorts, a result. The good one, whereas the badresult is failure. And no one wants that, so maybe that's it.
Or maybe if you are unable to sustain the success, it results in failure again.
Mine lies in my over analytic nature, analyse and analyse till i end up with nothing lol after loosing so much time
Yes, but then again how well is well enough, however there is need for continuous improvement
At some point in my life i stopped blaming myself for not doing my best at something sometime ago, because when i truly try to think about it, i must have really wanted to do my best at that point in time, maybe it wasnt just good enough.
If you probably had 10mill sp today, and you do a lot of what you think you should do, there is a probability that you might think you didnt do enough in the next one year...am i right or right?
Improvement is an endless chase but one that provides value to the individual and hopefully the group. We all die, why die with energy still in the tank?
When you recognize fear... step back and realize it is limiting you. Be bold!
It is the categorizing I have had trouble with. The fear hides behind seemingly rational justifications.
Oh my God, this is so intense. I am terrified by the thought of failure, but I don't know how you can be afraid of success. Why should anyone settle for less when there's more? Why settle for 2nd place, when there's the first? Anyways, I agree that everyone has to face their demons at some point, it really is the only way to deal with them.
Success can be very scary, a lot of time we are aware of the costs and implications of the less but the more always seems to be above our immediate capacity and ofcourse it carries its own unknown costs and implication, mostly because its new without any prior knowledge of the feeling, then the need to not want to mess up arrives.
There are many reasons I guess but, once in the spotlight there is exposure. I am not really one for fame.
Exactly the same reason why superheroes wear masks to conceal their true identity, not everyone appreciates fame, and the responsibility that comes with it...well at least one of the reasons
This is so true. I find it especially so in the still of the night when trying to sleep. It is extremely interesting to see how the thoughts lead to one another, and what can come out of them. (and usually quite surprising if you pay attention!) Those times are when I usually come up with some fairly decent ideas.
One of the hardest things to do is look in the mirror. Truly look in the mirror. I think this is why all too often people want to cast blame. It's always someone else's fault, timing's fault, anything but their own. Yet when you know yourself, and truly look at a situation, there's always something that could have been done differently to create a different outcome.
And that's where the learning comes from. Understanding and accepting this, then taking the responsibility to make different choices the next time around.
Kudos on your success in doing so. Thank you for the awesome post!
I understand where you are coming from. This is not work to you and even though you are thinking it is different to work. You love writing and communicating with people.
My job is a very stressful one so i take my holidays very serious. Its the only time i get to unwind and get some natural peace
I like that you create the time to rest. No job is worth dying for.
You see my friend, there are good and bad ones and I can tell you, you surely belongs to the good ones. Many got the chance and the help to succeed in life or whatever it is they do but they took full advantage and never remember to look back and help some people up. I like the fact that even with the delegated power in your possession, you didn’t misuse or over use it and that portrayed nothing but a good man.
I’m afraid of failure too and not really scare about success but the will to succeed hasn’t make me inhuman. We all sure face different struggles and I can say we are all potential demons but the question is , should we let out the demon in us or keep them locked .
Seriously? How are you a potential demon? Could you throw more light on that?
Leaders are givers, it is in the process of giving that leaders get. I used ‘get’ because the expression is not ‘take’. Only followers take. Another thing is, when you only focus on taking then you miss the mark to be a leader. Question is, which is best? Leader or follower?
Our struggles are the challenges that are obviously goin to come our way.
We can’t expect to have it all work out well at all times. Sometimes we need to know that several distractions or disturbances come up. No matter what, do your best and leave a proof that you lived, leave a proof that you were here.
I think that being a follower is a phase, every good follower should become a leader in time. And yeah, we have to leave our footprints on the sand of time.
Leaders use their resources well. I don't think they need give to benefit their followers.
A leader who gives does so because it has been inculcated in the leader. Obviously with this his followers then benefit. May not solely be for the benefit of followers.
If giving is inculcated in an individual, then they are natural leaders.
This is my point.
I read your post in full. Your writings are really amazing. I appreciate your blog.Your photography is also great.Thank you very much for sharing the post with us.