Looks matter, so stop lying

We have all heard someone say it and most have probably also repeated those words but, it isn't really true. People say it out of political correctness and fear of being judged for actually saying the truth which is;

Looks matter a great deal.

Have you ever walked down the street and seen a couple walking along together and said something like "They just don't match", Yes? Well, looks definitely matter to you and you have done what just about every human that has ever lived has likely done. Judged.

It is in our nature to evaluate potential partners and it is in our hard-wiring to seek out certain traits. A woman's hip size, a man's height, a woman's waist size or, a man's jaw line or hands. There are indicators all over our body that nature has decided is somehow indicative of successful mating.

However, we are also driven by nurture, how we are affected by our environment. This will of course include how we are raised and by whom, culture, media, advertising and social proofing. What is found attractive is likely more influenced by the we than the I but, we feel that it is us as the individual who makes the decision.

But, there is more to it than this also as even though we might have certain preferences, we are limited by our own looks and we know it. Most people have an innate ability to recognize who is in their 'league' and will generally seek partners in that category, even though they might choose higher on the looks ladder if they had free choice.

Now of course, looks aren't the only thing that matters but in general, it is the first thing that matters. It is a qualifier that piques the interest in the initial stages to see if it is worth pursuing.

Let me ask you this. If you find a person physically unappealing, do you still strike up a conversation to see if in actual fact they are your soulmate? Unlikely. The person that you are going to spend the rest of your life with can't physically disgust you, can they?

Well, that all depends on what you are willing to accept, what you are willing to compromise on to satisfy your own desires. And desire is a large part of our decision making process. We want certain things and therefore we will change our expectations, change our mental framing to accept things that we may not have accepted before. We will also include information that might have been excluded before.

A guy looking at a picture of a beautiful woman in a magazine may fantasize about meeting her in person but isn't likely to care much about her personality at that point. And women are much worse. Women will exclude a guy they see down the street as a potential because of his hairstyle or, he has a neck beard.

Although many people don't talk so openly about this, it isn't hard to recognize how important looks are too us if we are in closed situations with friends as people will feel comfortable enough to indicate their various preferences and looks always come into it. As a side note at this point, nearly all of my good friends IRL are women and they are comfortable talking in my presence. If they are holding back in those conversations because of me, well, women are much, much worse than men when it comes to talking about sex.

I say worse as a social judgement, not a personal one. There is some kind of generalization about the way men talk about women but it is taboo to say that women talk about men. I think it is part of the social programming and the fragility of male egos in comparison and female egos who want to seem more demure. Most men have inferiority complexes of some kind if compared to men they themselves might deem 'better' than them. I am no Brad Pitt after all.

I find it strange though that something as obvious as looks is socially programmed to be avoided in conversation and that could be because it is difficult to change. It is interesting how people want equality yet, they still want to have their sexual partner preference present. There is a bit of a conflict in that thinking isn't there? I want equality as long as I get what I want.

Looks do matter to us otherwise the advertisements of beautiful people wouldn't be necessary to sell the products. The whole idea is to associate the product with an ideal of who we want to be. Buy this deodorant, look a little more like that hot dude with the six pack surrounded by all those models.

People chose their cars, their houses, their phones, their clothes and any number of other material things based on their looks yet when it comes to admitting they do the same with their partners, that is the line they draw.

Again, it isn't that looks are the only thing and as everyone is aware, life happens, sixpacks get covered and looks fade and the hope is that by then, the looks don't matter and something much deeper than the skin has formed. However, pretending that they don't matter at all is nonsense and a lie to the self.

Funnily enough, even people born blind care about their looks and the looks of their partners. Even if they don't truly know what they or their partner looks like, they want to look good. I realized this long ago because I had a blind friend at school and it surprised me how important it was to her. She was more self-conscious about her looks than most girls I have known. For her she said it was because of the uncertainty and that she could never know what she presented to the world. She would also ask me what guys who talked to her looked like. She didn't need details, just a trusted opinion. Social proof.

I have never really been shy about saying that looks matter to me (perhaps obviously) but, it isn't an import factor, just the general first attraction point. But, looks can grow to be loved as personality and little quirks take over the hard-wiring and start to morph reality into acceptance. Beauty grows out of understanding and to understand, one has to search much deeper than with just the eyes.

I am definitely batting out of my average. I met my wife on the dance floor and it took me ages to get the courage to talk to her yet. She is gorgeous but, that is not what caused me to fall in love with her. It was the stupid things she did like being late to a date because she bought a bottle of water for a seagull that looked thirsty or, the way she would hold my hand while we danced.

It is all of these little things that influence our preferences that are so much more important than the looks for the long term view. It is also these little things that people often forget to attend to once they are comfortable which can lead to breakdowns in a relationship.

Looks are important but they are just one of the many factors that are important that we need to consider and as we start to understand more about the person we are with, even as the looks change, they are no longer a primary concern, no longer that important. It is not necessarily that our concept of what is beautiful has changed, just our desire to compromise more important aspects of to satisfy the needs of looks.

This is a some thoughts to create some thoughts and there are several parts and lines of thinking that I may investigate with much more detail later. but one thing I do recognize in myself is, I don't care what you think of my looks but, I do care what my wife thinks. If I am doing my job well as a partner, even as my looks change, her acceptance of me as a person will continue to grow.

Something a little different for 3 am tonight.

Goodnight

Taraz
[ a Steem original ]