This subject is very personal to me and I can only write about it now because the void of becoming a mom has been filled, I'm not as fragile as I used to be. I became a mom through adoption and tomorrow marks the date when two years ago, my husband and I were matched with our beautiful son. During this time I like to remember the days when I longed to hold a child in my arms, one that I could call my own. I actually made a vow never to forget how much the journey of infertility hurts, how mixed the emotions are and how others who are not in the same boat will simply never understand. 

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My husband and I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility, ironic right, I mean how can something UNEXPLAINED be diagnosed? Anyway, that's beside the point. We tried to conceive for two years before heading off to the Dr and then the specialist. We did all the tests, tried all the vitamins, tricks and even old-wives -tales, but nothing worked. At a stage we even went for homeopathic treatments (which many say worked for them), but it didn't work for us. We tried one unsuccessful round of treated artificial insemination (I don't cringe at saying that word anymore). Five years later, we were still barren.

It was the most traumatizing five years of my life. Couples around me were falling pregnant just by looking at each other, the "accidental" pregnancies were the worst. My heart literally froze when I received a Baby Shower invite (yet I attended them all, with a smile on the outside). One day a would be angry at God, the next day I would thank Him for choosing me to fight this battle (showed he had faith in me, which made me kind of feel like a "chosen one). The emotions where forever changes, but the emptiness and longing in my heart stayed constant. 

One of the most prominent emotions I felt was embarrassment, I did feel like less of a woman. I didn't know how to answer the questions: "so when will you be having your first?", "when will you be making your mom and dad grandparents?" and the comments like "don't wait too long" or "just relax and it will happen". I felt like sinking into a deep hole each time.

After 5 years of trying to conceive, we became parents through adoption. And now we wouldn't have it any other way, we will adopt again and again if we can! I do not have the urge to be pregnant, only the urge to have a loving family of my own. I do not have any remorse about being infertile, nor do I feel hurt. But my heart opens to those who are in the boat I was; childless and barren. I feel your pain, I know the thoughts going through your head, I know how your heart hurts and i know you cry yourself to sleep nearly every night. 

My advice, relax if you can - but more so, make it happen. There are so many ways to become a parent - we live in a highly advanced technical age with different fertility treatments and there's surrogacy too. And of course, I'm a big ambassador of adoption. Seek counselling, professional counselling, this will help you gain the strength and put together the strategy you need to MAKE IT HAPPEN.  

Much love - @sweetpea

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