So I came across this photo of me taken in the first week of my psychiatric admission

#FlashBack ⏪🍃 It seems despite being almost completely emaciated I still had a sense of humour 😂 BUT the rest of me was gone. I’d always thought that with the absence of my bubbly, smiley, cheery persona when I was sick I was without personality, apart from a few undesirable traits which became dominant. However now that I think about it, there was a sassy, sarcastic, passive aggressive being living inside of me - a whole new beast which was created by my eating disorder that had inhabited my body 👻 I was stubborn, rude, satirical and deceptive, characteristics of which I never thought myself to possess. Korey would never act like that, yet I did. I scoffed at doctors’ comments, hid things from my family, got angry with my friends and mocked anyone who told me I needed to get help 😏😣😤 I can remember sitting in my hospital bed with a massive grin on my face, thinking it was hilarious I had actually been admitted 🏥 I was surrounded by very sick elderly people yet there I was, kicking back, watching tv and using the hospital wifi 📱🙌🏻 I thought the whole thing was a massive joke and I’d soon be let out because someone would eventually realise I was ‘fine’. But I was the furthest I’ve ever been from fine. I was so far that I had completely lost track of myself in the process. Korey no longer existed. My eating disorder had consumed me and taken me as its own. I absolutely despise the person I became and am scared to think of just how close I came to being gone forever. Never experiencing the same joy, laughter, peace, excitement and satisfaction I once had. Never having fun with family and friends again. Never enjoying life or living. I am so thankful that through the process of recovery, I rediscovered Korey again! The girl who gets a warm feeling inside by smiling at the strangers in the street 🌞 Who squeals when she sees a cute animal 🐶✨ Who laughs at her own silly jokes when everyone else is just rolling their eyes ☺️ She exists. And although my eating disorder is still a part of me, I’m no longer letting it live through me 👊🏻

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