What Reading "For Your Own Good" Taught me About Violent Parenting (Part 1)

Insight into childhood and how early trauma spills over into adulthood is an important facet of psychology—one of the most important.

I had not previously considered all of the implications of what violent and coercive parenting can do to children from a psychodynamic or Freudian perspective. After reading, “For Your Own Good,” by Alice Miller, I gained a clear understanding of the psychological damage that results from punitive forms of parenting.

Miller’s exploration into totalitarian parenting put tears in my eyes. She was able to instill in me a further conviction that all forms of “child-rearing” and “pedagogy” are terribly destructive for a child’s psyche.

The Poisonous Pedagogy and Abreaction

Miller said the truth behind the poisonous pedagogy is that its teachings benefit parents and not children. It makes parents feel less pained about their past. Parents thus take vengeance against their own parents via their children. This is a form of abreaction, which is an expression of a previously repressed emotion.

In other words, parents use their kids as outlets and scapegoats for their past suffering. This is what perpetuates the vicious cycle of child abuse. Miller said:

The reason why parents mistreat their children has less to do with character and temperament than with the fact they were mistreated themselves and were not permitted to defend themselves (Miller, 1983, p. 105).

People May Not be Naturally Violent

Even though Miller criticizes parents, she does not buy into the notion that people are naturally evil. Miller takes a stance against the idea that people are inherently bad.

I agree. I am of the mindset that violence is a result of nurture and parent-child relationships. Although, considering modern evidence, it is clear that some genetic basis in personality control levels of violence, but the psychological impact of the poisonous pedagogy is clear.

The literature on spanking is replete with evidence that hitting children causes harm to the child’s brain and can lead to criminality and self-destruction through drugs.

There is almost no room left for counterargument. All that remains is getting people on board with truth, but I am not opposed to considering and weighing other evidence. It is just that current facts against mistreating children are legion, and they are near-indisputable.

Children Have been Seen as Less than Human

Miller bolstered her arguments by examining specific case studies and pedagogical texts of the 18^th and 19^th centuries. I was surprised to learn that throughout history it has been customary to see children as less than human, as evil little wretches in dire need of constant subjugation and punishment.

The goal of these child-rearing texts was to stamp out willfulness in children, to crush their spontaneity and spirit --- to make them absolutely obedient.

At first, I was upset that Miller quoted these pedagogical works at such length, because it seemed like she was not going to elaborate from her own perspective. However, by the end up the book, I understood why she delved into the aforesaid texts: to show that children have rarely had rights or been treated with dignity.

Psychohistory: The Perennial Mistreatment of Children

Miller delved a bit into the controversial subject of psychohistory, and the work of Lloyd DeMause. Psychohistory is a controversial topic and it is not taught at any major university as part of coursework.

This field of study asks two pertinent questions: what psychological reasons cause people go to war? What caused things like human sacrifice and witch burning?

The answer from psychohistorians has been unbearable for most people, so their responses have been pushed into the recesses of academia and censored. Their response is jarring.

Throughout time, most "civilizations" have treated children poorly. The further back one explores the worse children have been treated. Many early civilizations also practiced culturally sanctioned infanticide. Children have been a particularity detested segment of society as a result of cultural rituals and mores, and the state of society has suffered as a result.

Parent's Believe Violent Parenting is "For Their child's Own Good"

Another aspect of pedagogy that I never considered is that when parents administer violent teachings on their kids, they destroy their ability to express themselves emotionally.

Miller pointed out that even though parents act cruelly towards their children, they do not realize they are doing it. It is not purposeful. They have no clue it is destructive because they were taught themselves that what was done to them was for their own good.

Thus, they unthinkingly repeat the sins of the past by making the next generation suffer in kind. This is why some people grow into emotionally unstable adults, and have blank spots in their memory about their childhood.

Parent's Destroy their Children's Emotional Circuitry

Pedagogical violence also happens to children at such a young age that they do not even consider defending themselves, because they internalize their parents love them and maltreatment is normal.

However, when children’s spirits are crushed to this extent, they lose the ability to healthily emote and share genuine emotions. It is no wonder that so many people develop psychopathy and other mental disturbances.

If they were raised under the guiding principles of pedagogy, it is likely they never knew what was happening to them. Their empathy circuitry was obliterated in the process.

Empathy Erosion in Children; The Good of Nonviolent Parenting

I read a book that validated my view called “The Science of Evil: on Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty” by Simon Baron-Cohen. In a part of this book he examined how controlling parenting styles alter the empathy circuitry in the brain, leading to empathy erosion, which creates the sociopath or psychopath.

When I compare Alice Miller’s psychological work with Cohen’s neurological studies, it makes sense that empathy circuitry and child-rearing go hand-in-hand. Horrible child rearing can actually create evil people.

This insight has made me a firm believer of the promise that wholesome, nonviolent parenting can heal the world.

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Sterlin Luxan is a visionary thinker, cryptocurrency junkie, connoisseur of psychology, an MDMA high priest, and the Mr. Rogers of Anarchism. He writes for bitcoin.com, runs a consultancy business in the crypto space, and public speaker. He created the doctrine of relational anarchism and contributes to many causes in the thriving liberty ecosystem.