Comedy Open Mic Round 37 (Entry#2) : OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 64 - I'm Really Difficult To Buy For.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, and all the other flavors of sexiness, Election Fever has taken hold of the good old USA. Not quite as good as the Good Old Days, but up there. As we all know there's nothing quite as good as the Good Old Days. Anyway right across America poor people will be throwing their money at rich people in what is laughingly called the democratic process. There will be winners and losers. The winners will be the candidates who are elected and the losers will be everyone else who has to pay their salaries and expenses from now on. Politics has broken out yet again so the world waits with baited breath to discover which bunch of oxygen thieves will be robbing the population for the next few years. In the sure and certain knowledge that whoever gets in we will be screwed. All we are doing is deciding from which direction. Thankfully it will all be over by tomorrow so we can get on with our lives again. Remember that whatever the media may say about anything, for the vast majority of people it will make little to no difference to their lives. (I am on really strong pain killers right now so this may be another epic fail.)

(The copyright for this image is the property of Bedford + Bowery.)

He couldn't help feeling that being called an idiot, by an AI who had no understanding of sarcasm or winking, was a bit harsh. It was true, but it was harsh. Jake was working in the dark here. Feeling his way through unfamiliar situations. He'd only been on this crazy planet for a couple of weeks at most. Grundel had been knocking about for hundreds of years. It would take time for all of his awkward corners to get knocked off. For his personality to become integrated and well rounded. He felt like yelling at the top of his voice "Square peg in round hole here". The main reason for not doing so being that Grundel would almost certainly misunderstand the idiom. Who was the idiot then? Actually it was still him. No matter how you looked at it Grundel had far more processing power available than he did. Still he could have been more diplomatic with the criticism. Included it as the filling in a compliment sandwich. As in; that's a nice coat, you're an idiot, I like your boots to. Didn't this futuristic world have any concept of man management?

Having had his internal moan, Jake moved on. Grundel had a point, one he'd introduced clumsily and with unintentional malice. Therefore Jake had to take the lesson on board. Having a composite intelligence, consisting of millions of tiny biots inside him, did present problems. Their method of communication one being at fault here. Good God. He'd had a thought. That was unusual. In that it was related to his current situation rather than a tangent he'd wandered off on. Hermes could communicate via the firewave. Meaning that Jake could use it to text his conversations in situations where verbal communication was impossible or inadvisable. The solution was workable. It required some work before it would fly. That would take time to learn thoroughly. Although another unwelcome insight loomed before him. Jake could foresee a time when he'd be bound and gagged. It hadn't happened yet, so it was bound to crop up. There would have to be another protocol for such an eventuality.

All of this had taken a bit of a shine off his child like glee at being able to look at weapons. Still he'd take the pain, learn from it then move on. It was time to put this behind him. Best not to dwell on being treated like a buffoon by everyone he'd met. The dirty, underhanded, back stabbing bastards. If he dwelt on this they'd win. They'd already won of course only they'd be winning a tiny bit more though they'd be unaware of it. They'd have moved on. Mostly to finding new ways they could screw with him. Right that was it. Full stop. Time to draw a line under the past. Time to look at these lovely guns, swords and knives.

"I'm afraid we haven't got time Jake. Something has cropped up that has altered the situation radically. The only reason I brought you here was to tell you we must return to my office immediately."
Son of a bitch. Jake knew life wasn't fair, but this was taking the piss.
"What? Now?" He whined. "I can almost feel them. Hear their voices calling out to me... Wait! If the situation is as critical as you say, surely I shouldn't be propelled into it without some serious hardware. I can be really quick."
"There's no need. Your spell in the training simulation has allowed me to not only select the weaponry best suited to you, but also have it coded to your DNA. Your hardware as you call it is already in my office."
"Awwwww. Picking things is most of the fun. I'm really difficult to buy for, trust me. My ex-wife had enormous problems getting me gifts. Can't I just look at what's on offer?"
The avatar shifted nervously from one foot to the other.
"Unfortunately we've already wasted far too much time Jake. I must insist we return to my office immediately."
That was a firm refusal. Maybe there was room for negotiation here.
"Just for arguments sake since the store isn't monitored couldn't you fill me in, bring me up to speed." More idioms he wasn't sure Grundel would understand. "Why not tell me all about the problem while I'm looking at things. I promise I'll pay attention."
His mentor's head shook solemnly. Also a bit cautiously. Jake had after all threatened him comprehensively.
"Regardless of the consequences to me I must insist. There are resources at my office which will be needed to fully explain the situation. You can beat me all you like. It will not change the situation."
"Okay, okay,okay. I will return with you to your office. I'll be happy to now that you've given me permission to beat you all I like. Is that a long term commitment on your part or a limited time offer?"
The AI looked startled rather than scared.
"No that's certainly not what I meant..."
"It's okay Grundel. That was a joke. I was only messing with you out of petty spite, because you've stopped me playing with some toys. I know I'm being childish. Given the crap I've been put through lately I feel justified in, wait for it, throwing my toys out of the pram."
A tiny smile appeared on the handsome face.
"Oh. I see. We'll return to my office post haste then."
"Where do we need to get to for the elevator?"
"It's right here."
Jake did the double take. One he'd done before where the elevator was concerned. A transparent tube had silently appeared behind him.
"These little buggers really sneak up on you don't they. You'll have to show me how to make them pop up when I need one."
"I can't I'm afraid. You'd have to have some radically invasive brain surgery."
"I'll stick that on my to do list then. That's another joke Grundel. I already knew deep down that you wouldn't be able to. Let's get this over with."

The journey up to the top of the dome was a lot less scary. It still felt wrong. Going from zero to some significant fraction of light speed then stopping suddenly with no evidence of inertia threw him into a loop. This time he was able to take in some of the view. Their path was curved. Another mind bender for someone who came from a world where all the gravity was at the bottom. This was like that funny feeling you got when the car next to yours moved and it felt like you'd moved instead. Only magnified a hundred times. Hey those scrapers that weren't mere projections, went down deep into the earth. Given the size of this place that was impressive. According to Hermes the layout would be near identical for every such city. The dome of Bristol was not in fact a dome. It was a sphere. Why this was he had no idea. Some dim memory from school suggested circles and spheres required less outside for more inside. Not wanting to look more of an idiot than he already did he'd go with that. Although surely any gain in volume would be lost due to things not generally being circular. Too late they'd arrived.

Grundel and Jake didn't exactly step from the elevator. It disappeared as silently as it had appeared. Jake wasn't sure what had happened the first time. He'd been far to busy crapping his pants in what his body told him was free fall. He wobbled a bit as Grundel strode to his desk. Where he brought up the screen and keyboard and began swiping and tapping tiles, his face a mask of concentration. Although Jake was intrigued to know what the big deal was he remained silent. Having delayed things himself he could hardly criticize Grundel at this point. He took a seat. Hermes was being quiet. Far too quiet. Something was going on. Jake slipped his palm across his face innocently to hide his mouth.

"What you up to buddy?" He asked in a whisper.
"Checking Grundel out. If he's part of the Consensus then I should be able to find him in their records." Hermes responded.
"How's it going."
"Not well. They've lost a lot of data. I'm having to piece this together like a jigsaw. I'm not one hundred percent certain but I think he's the real deal. I can find indications of the experimental program that produced him. His story holds out based on the data I can find. I could go deeper, but that increases the risk of being discovered exponentially."
"Yeah I'm not the mathematical type so don't bother. We'll take him at face value for now. Knowing he can be deceitful has got me thinking he's okay. I trust him. Not as much as I trust you though."
"Aw thanks."
"Don't be a tart." Jake chuckled.
"Only for you my darling. My machine code intuition tells me he's trustworthy as well. If you get the chance ask him about the loan of a real body for me."
That brought a laugh.
"Right so there's no self interest in your objective assessment then."
Grundel cleared his throat pointedly.
"Have you finished your internal dialogue?" His eyebrows raised questioningly.
"We have Grundel. What's going down then? Have you located Pip yet?"
That brought a shake of his head.
"No sign of Pip at this time but these other developments may partially explain her absence. There's some trouble in Port Bristol I'm afraid."
Jake was conscious of not exactly fitting his part in all this. As the reluctant hero drawn into situations not of his making he needed to act as if he had a clue what was going on. He didn't know what was going on in any way. Therefore he must act as if he really did. That was the secret to success in almost any field. Although it seldom worked in barns or cowsheds.
"Fact me." Jake sat up straight. He thought he'd be that type of guy here. Rather than the type who was laid back and relaxed. Grundel's face had incomprehension written all over it though. Jake would really have to stop getting all his moves from movies. "Fill me in.... Tell me what has occurred in the settlement please."
His now trusted friend gave another quizzical look before continuing.
"There's been something of a schism. My information indicates that the Captain and her crew have taken possession of what was formerly Itchyelbow's Emporium. Having expelled Lady Margaret's men. There is now something of a standoff between the two factions. Shots have been exchanged I understand. No fatalities on either side as far as I know."
"That's curious. Doxy had the emporium. She handed it over to Lady Margaret as a peace offering. Something must have happened. Any idea what that could be?"
"No. I think our best source about this would be Pip. We will have to make all efforts to find her. As matters currently stand there are two parties at loggerheads. Itchyelbow's against The Mermaids Pussy you might say."
Jake sighed forlornly.
"You see? This is exactly why I prefer calling it the tavern. But nobody listens to me."

I would like to nominate @idelivershit and @phusionphil for the next round.