Somewhere I belong ?...
I've always wanted to make them proud. Who doesn't? One of the biggest joys is to make your parents proud. I found it early on that I am academically gifted and that was my way of earning credit with my parents. It was in Turkmenistan, the country under an iron curtain since it gained its independence after dissolution of the Soviet Union in 1991... I was eleven years old when a group of turkish teachers visited our school to select very few that could participate in the statewide Olympiad that would ultimately select 100 kids out of the whole state to attend their very prestigious boarding school (On a side note; that school was part of this huge network of Turkish boarding schools around the world, founded by this cleric that lives in Pennsylvania, who's been accused of orchestrating the failed coup attempt in Turkey in 2016). Out of all of the 4th graders in our state, around 15,000 students I came out to be the first on the list. My dad was ecstatic. I was ecstatic. It meant my life was set. 95% of all the graduates from turkmen-turkish boarding schools would ultimately go on to pursue their college education. Fast forward 2007, I'm 18 years old living in the country where the months in the calendar got renamed after the presidents relatives. So the march is named after his mother and may after his father and so on. A real shithole basically. I wanted out. I've always wanted to leave to the US. Land of the brave, home of the free, and of course somewhere to make a living. Getting a visa was like another win at life. It got approved I was on my way in may 2007. Soon after my arrival I find out that my dad had Hep C for years. I start working under the table to cover the costs, sending them money through Western Union, but couple of month after my arrival I lose my dad. The loss was devastating, but I kept going. Got myself through one of the best engineering schools in the States. Obviously for the security reasons I want to keep this anonymous. My dad was an influential policy maker and the state doesn't take any criticism lightly. I personally always thought that one of the most fucked segments of the population were international students. You pay 4x times the state tuition, you have no right to work, you have no right to fail, you have no right to drop any classes, and on top of that you have a national sentiment that immigrants are taking over your jobs. So after graduating, having all my funds sucked up by the university and finding no job I found myself being an illegal. My mother in need of surgery, haven't been home in 10+ years now I ask myself:
-What have I accomplished?
-Was this only driven by materialism?
-Where do I belong?
Perhaps being on the edge of the blade for so long got me attracted to the chaos of cryptocurrencies. So here I am trying to 10x my 1000$ bucks so I can pay for my mothers surgery and make her proud one more time, because sooner or later I will lose her also.
What do I do then? Who do I make proud? Was I too busy focused on materialistic milestones when what really mattered was always in front of me? Am I too selfish to stay here and smoke my joint rather than returning to my shithole, perhaps face prosecution and be closer to her? Those are "in-the-moment" thoughts I've been having lately. We shall find out. I'm thinking of heading North. I hear Canada is a bit more welcoming these days. Its gonna be a long walk through the woods but Im hopeful. I've always been.
BTC: 367VTYc4p24dTUaGHHxdv1jmcxi7QJLTnB