Amusing myself to death (Fiction)

The other day I bought myself a gun and a package of ammo.

I went to bed, putting the gun and several bullets on the nightstand.

Photo by Monoar on Pixabay

Upon waking up, before I did anything else, I loaded one random bullet into the rotating chamber, put the gun in my mouth, and pulled the trigger.

I lived.

I sat on the edge of my bed for a while longer, holding the gun in my mouth. It was an extremely sobering moment. There was no other way to look at it; It was going to be a great day.

Photo by Tom Pumford on Unsplash

I removed the bullet and put it in my pant pocket, to carry around with me, as a reminder that life could end in an instant.

Today it did not kill me, and I appreciate that it didn't.

I have been feeling depressed and suicidal for a while, afraid to live; afraid to go outside for fear of being killed.

What is the point of this nonsense? Playing Russian roulette as a way to satisfy some sick idea about life?

Maybe. But I cannot live my life in fear anymore, so I’m switching my point of view and forcefully deciding to be grateful for every day that I am alive; for one of these days I will not be.

There is no such thing as safety or security in life; that is all an illusion. You will die somehow. Living is guaranteed death.

Photo by Warren Wong on Unsplash

Going to a movie gets you killed.
Going to Church gets you killed.
Going to School gets you killed.
Attending a concert gets you killed.
Flying gets you killed.
Walking around gets you killed.

In that moment after pulling the trigger, I decided to live without fear. I’ve taken this game of life into my own hands and I’m calling the shots.

What it all boils down to is that we are violent, naked apes, with a somewhat enlarged brain. We are the most destructive force on this planet. Savages unlike anything we have ever seen. We are like a cancer; growing and multiplying with no signs of slowing down, killing everything in our path. Everyday we find new and improved ways to kill more people- faster and more efficiently.

The idea of death has set me free; I don't care about the he said, she said bullshit! You all language each other to death. Laws and morals and ethics - nonsense!

I care about the larger picture. Your opinions of me and your negative world view mean absolutely nothing to me anymore.

Photo by Emile Séguin on Unsplash

If you want to quit living today, stick to your routine. The mundane, the easy comfort, the fear of living will kill you faster than any bullet will.

From now on, every time I feel uncertain of my role in life and when I'm feeling especially ungrateful for being alive, I’ll go for another game of Russian roulette with my lucky bullet.

Amusing myself to death.

(This is the only time I shot a gun - my friend's, sized for a woman's hand.)