Memoirs From Roman Catholic School - COM 16

sisygoboom (64)in #comedyopenmic • 6 years ago (edited)

What a place school was, eh? I don't remember much from there, it's like a blurry suppressed memory. I do remember that my primary school a tad.. how do I put this..? Culty is probably the best descriptor for the place. Not quite Manson level culty but I feel like if we weren't in a big city, the place would've been much worse.

Honestly, it's not as bad as you probably imagine. By that, I mean they didn't have Harris or Glitter on hall patrol. But, one of my oldest memories from that place was being stood on by the head teacher.

Yeah, there was a spider in the corridor and I stamped on it since I don't like spiders. I was doing the guy a service really. But nahh, after I stood on it, I heard him from behind me.

That's one of God's creatures! I bet you wouldn't like to be stood on!

No. I replied, the only thing going through my head was the concern for the kitchen hygiene if pests have to be treated as almost human in importance.

I want you to get on the ground Christopher.

I was like 8 or something, so I did. And he stood on me. Like wtf? People don't mess with me anymore though. That head teacher had a freak stroke paralyzing half his face a few weeks later ^{and it had nothing to do with me} and he never worked again.

Turns out it was a stroke of karma though as the guy had been bonking all the the stay-at-home-mums who had busy husbands, I guess he had a point though, God probably gives more shits about that spider I stepped on than him cheating on his wife with yummy mummies. I didn't see the attraction though, but you'd see them all go up to him after say a school play. He was an exceptionally charismatic bloke until his face stopped working. To really put the cherry on the cake, he's actually married to one of the mums now.

Anyway, strict Catholic school, we had to do a prayer before just about everything. Want to eat? Pray. Want to go home? Sorry, you have to do the bloody prayer first. I once sat there and didn't do the prayer and the teacher threatened to have me excommunicated for heresy - those were big words and they didn't sound fun, I always did the prayer after that.

We were situated in complete tree cover, at the bottom of a huge ditch and also had a church annexed to our school, not a little a chapel room, an actual church with its own priest. Yeah, I'll admit that I too see the Saville-esque nature of that arrangement. Every now and then, we'd be marched up the bank and instead of learning maths or how to use a computer, we'd sing, eat bread and drink wine for half a day.

We had a lesson called religious education, it wasn't so much a religious education as it was religious conditioning. I learnt that the Jews believed in Jesus too so they might as well convert; that the Protestants only exist because a fat man wanted a divorce; and that Muslims pray toward a bingo hall in Gateshead.

The moral of the story is:

When you think about sending your kid to a religious school because of the better funding, just remember that they may leave with an imaginary friend and think that the flat earth was created in 7 days. They may also acquire multiple felonies over the years as they believe everything can be forgiven by talking to a man in a box.

On a side note, if you find this offensive, please read the first and second tags.

This is my first entry to Comedy Open Mic: Round 16 and I nominate @edicted and @onceuponatime (I hope the schools in Canada/Greece aren't like this?)