How do we "get stuck" from incomprehensible patterns of behavior - or why we should not be saved through the same door we enter
People often die in fires or plane crashes because they try to escape through the same door they enter. In their panic, they often rely on established patterns instead of thinking about another way out. Similarly, while reflecting in the old, automated way, it would be almost impossible to find a solution to the suffering we are experiencing, to be context sensitive and to react to the outside world as it is at the moment.
Actually, when we are obsessed with a certain way of thinking or behaving, we do not perceive the world objectively. We believe that it is organized in precisely defined categories that may not have any connection with the specific situation.
We certainly do not want to put an end to the thoughts and emotions that pass through us because that would mean our end. But the question is: who commands: the thinker or the thought? Are we living according to our own values and the things that are important to us or are we going along the stream?
When we are not masters of our lives, when we do not act according to our own conscious will and the whole palette of possibilities offered by sensual intelligence, it means that we are overwhelmed.
Here are the four most common lines we take:
Rod # 1: Indictment Thoughts
"I thought I was going to be out, so I did not communicate with the people at the party."
"I thought she was haughty, so I stopped giving her information on the project."
"I thought it would sound stupid, and that's why I fell silent."
"I thought she would take the first step, so I did not call her."
In these examples, the speaker reproaches his thoughts about his actions or inactions. When we blame our thoughts, the gap between stimulus and reaction is too small to make a real choice. Thoughts on our own do not draw our behavior. Not the old stories. We draw it.
Rop no. 2: Monkey thinking
"Monkey Thinking" is a term of meditation that describes the uninterrupted inner chatter that jumps from one topic to another as the chimpanzee is transferred from a branch to a branch. For example, you have a quarrel with your partner (or anyone else: a parent, child, friend or colleague) and he gets angry at home. As you travel to the subway on your way to the office, your brain is bobot: "Tonight I will tell him how uncomfortable he is when he criticizes my parents." This rushed thought leads to an exchange of ironic replicas in your mind as you plan the upcoming conversation. In all likelihood, he will get something out of your parents, and you will give him a comment about his unprofitable brother. You guess what his answer is and you think about your own. When you arrive at the office, you are completely exhausted by the tense dispute you have had with yourself.
When we are in "Amino Thinking" mode, we succumb to bruise - we present our worst scenarios or we make the elephant fly. But it is a waste of energy and a complete waste of time. Moreover, when you play these imaginary dramas in your head, you do not actually live in the moment. You do not notice the flowers in the park and the interesting faces in the subway. You also deprive your brain of the neutral span that is so important to creative decisions - perhaps even for the solution to the problem of a particular quarrel.
Monkey thinking is burdened with the ballast of the past ("I can not forgive him for doing it") and with the appeal of the future ("I can not wait to leave and tell my boss what I think about him"). He often has a commanding and edifying tone and uses words like "should," "should not," and "can not" ("I must lose weight," "I can not fail", "I must not feel that way" ). Monkey thinking takes you away from the moment and from what is best for you.
Row №3: Old, overwhelmed ideas
Kevin desperately longs for a serious relationship. At first glance, he is fun and carefree. But deep inside is closed and distrustful and does not allow women too close. As can be expected, his ties break. When he was a young man, Kevin's father, who was an alcoholic and a bully, punished his failures with mockery and mockery, sometimes even with his friends. Even then, Kevin learned to hide his sadness and vulnerability that his father would use against him. The lesson is that if your relatives turn against you, it is best to get away from your feelings and these same people. Kevin's behavior was fully functional during his childhood; provided emotional protection and physical safety. But it was then.
Twenty years later, Kevin's mistrust keeps killing him like a pair of boots. He behaves as if every day he experiences the trauma of his childhood. But the old, uncomfortable way of thinking has long served him no longer. It is necessary to develop emotional intelligence to adapt to the very different and considerably more favorable circumstances of your mature life.
Tina is not getting the expected promotion as executive director of a large financial services company. At the beginning of her career she worked as a stock broker in New York City in an uncompromising and predominantly male environment. In the exchange, she learned that talking about privacy was a taboo, and she had to prove she was no less tough than the aggressive men around. It was a successful model of behavior for her then-job, and she loved her, but with her relocation to a new organization, she realized that people did not want to follow machines. It was important to show her emotional and human side, but she was reluctant to get in touch with anyone, and she did not know why. Like Kevin, she lives in a history of the past. And to move on, she must develop plasticity to adapt to changing circumstances.
Ropes №4: Shrewd righteousness
They say that justice is not obtained in court; if you're lucky, the best you can get is an excellent deal. At the same time there are so many other spheres of life in which, with teeth and claws, we stand up for the idea of justice, for the reward and unmistakable proof that we are right.
Anyone who has had a romantic relationship for more than a few months knows that moment in a dispute when you realize that ... thank God ... the storm has subsided, some form of understanding - perhaps a temporary truce - and the most reasonable thing you can do is keep your mouth shut, take off your hand, turn off the lamp and go to sleep. But at this moment, something makes you call again to show that you were right and your partner was wrong - and all the hell is repeated again.
You can not waste years of life, fueling the need to receive confirmation of your rightfulness or recognition of the unfair treatment you have suffered. In many families and in many parts of the world family feuds have begun so long ago that no one remembers the original cause of discord. The irony is that you become the victim of even greater injustice, as you are deprived of other things important to you, such as the close relationship with relatives and friends. I like the phrase we used to call this kind of self-destructive phenomenon in South Africa: "He'll cut off his nose to make a face of his face."
The ancient Greek paradoxist, Heraclitus, has said that one can not enter twice in the same river, meaning that the world is constantly changing and thus offers daily new opportunities and situations. And to make the most of them, we must constantly break down the old categories and formulate new ones. Often, the most original and interesting solutions come to us when we take on the "beginner's attitude," with a fresh look at the new challenges. This is the cornerstone of emotional plasticity.
Before one or two generations, the public divided the different activities of "male" and "female" by gender. But now you're risking to break your nose to allow such a brutal distinction. Similarly, some people have the habit of pushing themselves into certain categories by not realizing their own value to individuals, and perceiving themselves as limited and only as a rich, fat, simple or athlete. We have long known that identifying yourself as Mr Jones's wife is a restrictive and undermining assertion. But they are also "CEO," "role model," "the smartest kid in class," and even "quarterback winner of the Super Bowl." Everything changes. And to make sure that we are also changing, we need flexibility.
Emotional plasticity means to realize and accept all your emotions and even to learn from the most difficult. It also means to overcome the boundaries of conditional and inborn cognitive and emotional reactions (your rods) so that you live in the present moment with the ability to interpret the circumstances of the present, react appropriately, and finally act in accordance with its deepest values.
Source: www.brightside.me