If we want to change things, we first have to change ourselves

There is no real excellence in all this world which can be separated from right living
-- David starr Jordan

In more than twenty five years of working with folks in business, university, and marriage and family settings, I actually have come in contact with several people who have achieved an unbelievable degree of outward success, however have found themselves fighting an inner hunger, a deep need for private congruency and effectiveness and for healthy, growing relationships with others.

I suspect a number of the issues they need shared with me could also be familiar to you. I've set and met my career goals and i am having tremendous professional success. however it's price me my personal and family life. i do not understand my better half and kids any longer. i am not even certain i do know myself and what is very vital to me. I've had to question myself -- is it worth it?

I've started a brand new diet -- for the fifth time this year. i do know i am overweight, and that i actually need to change. I browse all the new data, I set goals, i get myself all psyched up with a positive attitude and tell myself I will do it. however i do not. once some weeks, I fizzle. I simply cannot appear to stay a promise I make to myself.

I've taken course once course on effective management training. I expect lots out of my workers and that i putting your all into to be friendly toward them and to treat them right. however i do not feel any loyalty from them. i feel if I were home sick for every day, they'd pay most of their time gabbing at the water fountain. Why cannot I train them to be freelance and responsible -- or notice workers who can be?

My young son is rebellious and on medicine. notwithstanding what I attempt, he will not hear me.

What am i able to do?

There's most to do. and there is ne'er enough time. I feel pressured and hassled all day, every day, seven days per week. I've attended time management seminars and i have tried half a dozen completely different planning systems. They've helped some, however I still do not feel i am living the happy, productive, peaceful life i would like to live.

I want to show my kids the worth of work. however to urge them to do something, I actually have to supervise each move; and place up with complaining each step of the method. it is so a lot of easier to do it myself.

Why cannot kids do their work cheerfully and while not being reminded?
I'm busy -- very busy. however generally i'm wondering if what i am doing can make a difference within the long haul. i would adore to suppose there was meaning in my life, that somehow things were totally different as a result of i used to be here. I see my friends or relatives come through some extent of success or receive some recognition, and that i smile and congratulate them enthusiastically. But inside, i am intake my heart out. Why do I feel this way?

I have a forceful temperament. I know, in nearly any interaction, I will manage the end result. Most of the time, I will even do it by influencing others to come back up with the answer i would like. i feel through every scenario and that i extremely feel the ideas I come back up with are sometimes the simplest for everybody. however I feel uneasy. I continually surprise what people very consider me and my ideas.

My wedding has gone flat. do not|we do not} fight or anything; we simply don't love each other anymore.

We've gone to counseling; we've tried variety of things, however we simply cannot appear to rekindle the sensation we used to have.

These are deep issues, painful issues -- issues that quick fix approaches cannot solve.

A few years past, my wife Sandra and i were fighting this type of concern. one in every of our sons was having a awfully troublesome time at school. He was doing poorly academically; he did not even skills to follow the directions on the tests, let alone do well in them. Socially he was immature, usually embarrassing those closest to him. Athletically, he was little, skinny, and uncoordinated – swinging his baseball bat, as an example, nearly before the ball was even pitched. Others would tease him.

Sandra and that i were consumed with a want to assist him. we felt that if "success" were important in any area of life, it absolutely was supremely important in our role as parents. thus we worked on our attitudes and behavior toward him and that we tried to figure on his. we tried to psyche him up using positive attitude techniques. "Come on, son! you'll be able to do it! we all know you'll be able to. place your hands a bit higher on the bat and keep your eye on the ball. do not swing until it gets near you." And if he did a bit higher, we might move to nice lengths to reinforce him. "That's smart, son, keep it up."

When others laughed, we reproved them. "Leave him alone. Get off his back. he is simply learning." And our son would cry and demand that he'd ne'er be any smart which he did not like baseball anyway.

Nothing we did looked as if it would facilitate, and that we were very troubled. we might see the result this was having on his vanity. we tried to be encouraging and useful and positive, however once continual failure, we finally drew back and tried to look at things on a unique level.

At this point in my professional role i used to be concerned in leadership development work with numerous purchasers throughout the country. in this capability i used to be making ready bimonthly programs on the topic of communication and perception for IBM's executive Development Program participants.

As I researched and ready these presentations, I became notably curious about how perceptions are shaped, how they behave. This led me to a study of expectancy theory and self-fulfilling prophecies or the "Pygmalion impact," and to a realization of how deeply imbedded our perceptions are. It tutored me that we should explore the lens through which we see the planet, as at the planet we see, which the lens itself shapes how we interpret the planet.

As Sandra and that i talked concerning the ideas i used to be teaching at IBM and regarding our own scenario, we began to understand that what we were doing to assist our son wasn't in harmony with the way we actually saw him. when we honestly examined our deepest feelings, we realized that our perception was that he was primarily inadequate, somehow "behind."

No matter what proportion we worked on our attitude and behavior, our efforts were ineffective as a result of, despite our actions and our words, what we really communicated to him was, "You are not capable. you have got to be protected." we began to understand that if we wanted to change things, we first had to change ourselves. And to change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.