EVERYBODY’S LONESOME
Loneliness is universal. It is common to all. Loneliness can strike when one is surrounded by friends or can dog the steps of a stranger in a strange place. It brings nostalgia for the past and creates fear of the future.
Loneliness is many things. It hides behind sorrow; cringes when it feels ignored; yields to moods of despondency; fancies itself unloved and unappreciated; longs for the familiar; cries because it feels alone.
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Years ago, when I was a freshman in college, a beloved teacher told me something I have never forgotten. Elsie Izuorah was a tall, angular woman in her early fifties. In spite of her austere manner, she was a popular figure on the cmpus. In repose, her face was stern and her black eyes piercing. One quaked in her class if the lesson was unprepared — but very soon we learnt to watch for her smile. It would begin in her eyes and then slowly the sharp lines would crumble into warmth and gentleness.
As my school years passed, my admiration for this rare teacher grew. She encouraged me to explore the world of good books. She helped me discover for myself new areas of study.
Elsie Izuorah was quite alone in the world, entirely without family ties. But, somehow, you never thought of her as being alone or ever lonely. One day I talked with her about the loneliness I felt at times. She said, “Let me tell you something I learned a long time ago. I was alone in a large city, very alone and miserably lonesome. I spent hours in the public library reading and brooding. Opening a small book one afternoon I read these words.
Every heart knows loneliness. One may live in a house of luxury, or in a modest home with only limited comforts. One may live in shabbiness with only the bare necessities. It makes no difference. Every heart at times feels the ache of loneliness.
“I have forgotten the rest that I read but those words have remained with me. If loneliness is shared by everyone, I decided, then I can accept those times with understanding and plain common sense. Instead of dwelling on my lonely feelings, I will deliberately set out to show cheerful friendliness to everyone I meet. Throughout the years I have practiced this, it has helped me push loneliness into the background and to emphasize the pleasant things that each day brings.”
Too often I’ve been slow in rising above the lonely times. But her example has prodded me on to persistent effort. I have learned too that the most cheerful persons are not those least invaded by loneliness. They are the conquerors.
Never cuddle loneliness. If you do, it will act as a spoiled child demanding more attention and pampering. Christ spoke often of joy and good cheer. Never did he lay the emphasis upon happiness. That is a fleeting thing — something happens and the heart glows with happiness — but a telephone call, a letter, a spoken word, and happiness as quickly disappears, leaving the ache of unhappiness.
A loneliness that is understood and faced is like a clean wound that will heal naturally. But many suffer from loneliness yet never understand its cause.Sometimes we smile as we speak of husbands whose work keeps them away from home much of the time. We tease their wives about being “work widows.” I have watched with friendly interest two women face this special kind of loneliness.
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One couple moved to Lagos from a distant eastern state…(can’t remember where exactly). The husband’s position meant almost continuous travel. It was a most difficult time for his wife. She never quite accepted it. She found no interests to fill her days. Gradually her health began to fail and her doctor told her that her nerves were causing much of her troubles. She is waiting for the day her husband will retire so they can move “back home.”
The second couple came from a northern city. Weekends are the only time this husband came home. They have no children. His wife is a shy but charming woman who finds those weekends the bright spot in her life. But she didn’t brood over her loneliness. She had studied music and long hours of practice on the organ have brought her much pleasure. Now she has added the study of Spanish. Realizing that her shyness was keeping her from making friends, she began to accept invitations and to give them. She had made her days pleasantly full.
It is clear that two different personalities react differently to the same conditions. One person may have more endurance and self-reliance than another. One may be aggressive, the other may find that staying home is the easiest way to escape meeting strangers.
It is also clear that healthy interest in others and participation in some interesting activities can make a lonely situation much more pleasant. Surely it’s worth trying.
Everyone needs friends, the lonely, older folks most of all. Being a good friend is an art. Long-term friendships don’t just happen — they are carefully tended.