Taboo Topic: On death, and time.
I decided a while ago that I would like to talk about some taboo topics every now and then that nobody really wants to talk about. These will mostly be ramblings of experience, possibly advice, and for the most part totally transparent.
Yesterday I went to a funeral, my uncles, the second uncle to die within the last 12 months and it felt like a good time for me to post on the topic of death, and touch on the blessing of time. By time I mean a diagnosis, knowing for certain, that a loved one is going to die. While sometimes it feels as if it is dragging on forever, knowing ahead of time lets you prepare, it lets you say the things you need to say, do the things you need to do.
You may be wondering why I am talking about this I am not yet 30 and most people my age have not experienced it that much. I can say I have experienced plenty. My first loved one passed when I was 16, it was my great uncle. He was like my dad at the time, he drove me to my first homecoming, he was one of my best friends. A few years later one of my best highschool friends passed too soon at the age of 18. The month before I was married both my grandmother and grandfather passed (my mothers parents) then an aunt. shortly after my great grandmother passed, and later my great grandfather. Christmas of 2016 my father passed, a few months later the uncle that helped take care of my dad passed, and then this last week another passed. I
I believe that is a total of 10...
Keep in mind none of these people mentioned are distant relatives in my family. They were all people I knew, people I spent time with, people I made memories with, not some distant person I never met but heard of.
I know death. I know it well.
However, on this topic, I have no advice, I have no tricks, I have no secret way to cope. It doesn't get easier with each new one, it only gets slightly more predictable. Whatever you need to do to cope healthily, do it. Cry, yell, vent, write, sing, paint, draw, pray, talk, joke. Do it, let it out. It will be different for everyone, for each new time.
My dad playing with my boys
Of the deaths I have experienced, two have stood out the most to me, two shook me to my core. The first was my friend from highschool, the 17 year old. When I got the call I was at work, and immediately went home, the whole time holding back tears, thinking. I knew he was sick, I knew it was serious, but I did not recognize the fact that he could actually pass soon. I knew he was sick, and failed to spend time with him, I didn't go visit, I didn't call, I did nothing. I let too much time pass and it was too late. This was my greatest learning experience. It has been a mistake that I have yet to make again, and pray I never will.
If you take one thing away from this I pray it is this
When you know someone has limited time, no amount of time spent is too little, there is no such thing as too many phone calls
The second death to break me was my father. His situation was different. He had been sick since 2001 with chronic pain in his intestine that no doctor/specialist could diagnose. In 2015 he had 3 strokes one after another in an hour, and was diagnosed with leukemia. For years I have been preparing for his death, and even more so the last few. Although I spent all the time I possibly could with him, made so many memories, had so many good time, and made sure I had no regrets... I still wasn't ready. Nothing could have prepared me for it. The difference it made however was that I had no regrets later. I know I did all I could, I know that I was there for him.
Time doesn't help with the pain, but it helps with the regrets
Right now I know that my grandpa (moms stepdad) is on borrowed time. He was given 9-18 months to live 2.5 years ago, and more recently was given about 6 months to live. He was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer out of the blue, but luckily we were blessed with more time with him. Right now, he is top priority on my list of family to spend time with.
I don't know why I have experienced so much death so fast, but I know I have been able to reach out to my cousins as their fathers have passed. I have been able to be a listening ear for those who mourn. As much as it hurts to go through so much, in a way it has uniquely equipped me to be a good friend to those who are hurting, and that to me is valuable.
Sorry for rambling so much. I don't feel as if this post is very focused, or written well at all... just kind of a rambled collection of thought, I may add/edit this over the next few days as I remember things
How do you cope?
What have you learned?
Death always sucks.
It’s a reminder that we don’t live forever. It’s really easy to sit around and be in a depressed mood. Hard to remember how blessed every day actually is.
I had a couple friends die at a young age.
One was a best friend growing up. He died the weekend before he went to boot camp for the army. We hadn’t spoke in a year or two after moving away. I saw him for a second after visiting my old town and thought, “I’ll just catch up tomorrow.” He ended up drowning that night.
I always wonder if I would’ve said something if he would have not went drunk swimming that night.
Thankyou for such an inspiring and incourageing post. yes we do take life for granted , we need to appreciate and communicate ehile we still have our love ones with us. well put post thankyou @saywha.
It never does get easier, that is fact. I hate time frames on death as they are sometimes way off and when you think you have 2 years they pass in 6 months. Time is a fucking whore that we can do nothing about but try to make the most of it.
I have found it slightly easier to deal with death when someone is sick and in pain but have been shook by suicide as well as accidents. As I grow older, I try to remember death only hurts the living. Things can go quickly from bad to worse when you reach for the phone to make a call and it hits you they have been gone for a while. That is when I like to think they are there with me some how. It's not like you forgot they passed, they are just in your memory and you want to make contact but can't.
Wow great job, you are awesome in every time. Your presence turns every impossible to possible. You have that power so your name is fire power. We are eagerly awaiting the arrival of you in our area so that,we can enrich the energy and inspiration in a very productive way. Thanks for sharing such an inspirational and exited post. Have a very beautiful time ahead.
I wish with all my heart that I had something to say that would heel the hurt. There are many things people say at times of this. All I can do is be there for you and hear and listen to your rant with any support that I can give you. You go ahead and rant and rambling. Grab your wife and hold on cry like a baby and just let the pain flow.
I am a lot older and it never gets easier to loose a loved one. It hurts like hell. .
I have been listening about so many deaths and sickness for the past 6 months. I don't know if there is anything to say that helps, because just like you wrote, even if you are prepared, you are never too prepared and can't never know how you will react.
All we can do is pray, be grateful for the gift of life we've been given and realise that death is a part of it. It will come sooner or later, it will hurt, but it is in our nature.
Take care and show your loved ones how important they are to you in every opporrunity!
BTW, I know it's off topic, but I want to thank you for the Valentine's prize!
I think this is so true. Nothing is unexpected that much and we will never be ready for death. I'm feeling really sorry for your recent loss.
I used to think about death of people around me. Maybe I was trying to get ready for their death. But I think I was the lucky one, because I didn't see death of any of my relatives or friends yet.
Well, I saw the death of a patient 2 months ago. It was my first time seeing somebody die. Even trying CPR, but seeing him dead. It affected me a lot, and I still don't know what to do if somebody who I care dies.
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