A mother with flaws😐

I am not the best parent, but then who is? We all make mistakes when it comes to parenting and I am no different. Parenting has no rule book and that makes it even more tougher. Every child is different and so is every parent, so having a rule book would surely not work in this setup.

I became a parent when I had a month short to complete 20. I was a depressed mother may be because i had dealt with a miscarriage before him and my marriage seemed to be heading down south. However, my son proved to be a straw in the wind. I was super attached to him. I could not think of hurting him in anyway. I wanted the best for him.

He was a cranky baby who just needed a reason to cry. When I look back now, I feel may be that was because of my mental health not being stable when he was inside me. Had I been happy he would have been a happy baby too, but nothing can be changed now. Now, getting back, he used to cry at the top of his lungs turning himself blue and I would get scared when. He did so. I tried everything to pacify him before I found out that breast feeding does the trick. Since then he had become unstoppable and so was I.

He used to demand his feed anywhere and everywhere. I remember giving him a feed in the busy market area while he sat in the sling bag and I covered myself with a thick shawl. This continued till he learnt to walk. He must have crossed his 2nd birthday when he no longer sat in the sling bag, but he continued to demand his favorite drink whenever he needed. He couldn't sleep without his dose and I didn't do anything to wean him off it.

This continued for few more years with people telling me what bad I was doing to him and myself, but I didn't knew a way to stop. I started lying to people that he has stopped, but he didn't. However it took him to turn 7 year old and me to get pregnant with his brother/sister for him to stop breast feeding.

Did I do bad to him? He is just fine and has no damage. Well, he still is that emotional kid who gets cranky at times, but I know the reason is different for it. He is fussy with food and I can say that must be because of breast feeding for that long. He used to be always full and refuse to eat and I let him be. But then, breast feeding helped us bond. We are great together.

And I am repetiting that mistake all over again with my second son. May be I am wrong, but I just don't know how to be right. That's me, a mother with flaws.